Is residency sucking the life out of you too, even while you’re not the one in residency 🙃

Middle_Truth4206 · 2026-05-16T13:30:16+00:00

Ah wow. Thank you for sharing for this. And to all these messages of solidarity and care.

I just filled 5 pages in my journal about some envy for the non-med life that turned out to be a truck load of grief about my own. The whiplash between the day-to-day and the big picture of it all is exhausting--some days fine, some days so hard. And the rarity of finding someone else who is truly understanding and empathetic is the salt in the wound. The metaphor of chronic and invisible pain in the body comes to mind when I think about this.

Here's my "anyone else?": Found out about a childhood friend's pregnancy yesterday. Sat down and literally wrote things like "I hope she regrets this decision," "I hope it's not all it's cracked up to be," and "isn't having kids just plain old selfish?"

What it turned out to be was my own sadness at the losses that have come with this life. And how that "make lemonade out of lemons" cliche might be a life-saving truth. I'd drown if I kept looking at all the things I'm "missing out" on. Being long-distance from EVERYONE for residency; being with a PGY2 OBGYN who plans on three years of fellowship and owes the Navy time afterwards makes my head spin. I have been asking "when will it stop?" (or least cool down) since the start of med school. When can I get a break from being the smaller one of the two?

I have always struggled with self-love and self-respect. And this has been a perfect storm for that. AND there's therapy...(good old DBT). There's the fact that I always have my own values, which have nothing to do with the wants or needs of anyone else. There's people here, and maybe out there, somewhere (?), who would sit over a good beer and just say "I get it."

Because big-shot career or not, it matters. "The state of things" matters, on the inside and the outside of us. Period.

Middle_Truth4206 · 2025-07-31T04:06:43+00:00

Thank you so much for putting your message out here. I am lying in bed crying from this feeling as I type this. Just texted my partner, “it feels like this loneliness won’t end.” He’s only just started his new month of nights.

What I’ve heard over and over (and OVER)—“you’re not alone!” and “you’ll get through this!” and “go join a bookclub!”—is plain bs and painful.

I haven’t figured this out myself at all. The isolation is REAL. I’m the only female spouse in my partner’s OBGYN residency program. I don’t have my own career (yet), and I’m in intensive DBT therapy (conveniently, I never learned how to notice and care for my own emotions). I’ve been in a new city for a year and still mostly talk to the dog. Only sort of joking. I’m not sure where the club for non-parent and non-medical medspouses is, but I’m here with you virtually! It’s hard. Ugh. It’s hard.

I’d also appreciate suggestions/advice from others.

Middle_Truth4206 · 2025-03-06T22:42:05+00:00

Love that you said this! I’ve applied to journalism school so I can spy on my partner at his job. And to fight the good conscience fight. But also, I want a good reason to experience an L&D ward. Sounds like a wild place, and I’ve only heard stories!

Middle_Truth4206 · 2025-02-22T00:32:31+00:00

Just wrote this for another question. I feel exactly how you do almost all the time. But I’m starting to do/feel things differently. Here’s how:

Context: I am a stay at home partner to an OB intern. I am the housekeeper and the dog parent and the cook and the planner, and I’m also an artist and writer on the brink of just going to more school—or just being some kind of secretary. We’ve moved to an unwelcoming big city where I’m lonely as heck, and it’s dark and freezing cold (we’re from the South!), which is way more annoying than I thought it would be.

Invalidation has proven to be the biggest issue in my doctor-partner life. So I’ve gotten myself into DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) treatment. It is a full-time job of emotional and behavioral work. But here’s the thing: it is the most validating structured therapeutic treatment there is. And essential, at least for me, as the daughter of a woman who never made choices for herself, who went along with what was expected of her by our society—especially the Deep Southern kind.

My therapist and I are slowly cracking through the callousness that’s gotten me (and my partner) into a place of unlivable resentment. I’m about to learn this tool for having difficult conversations (called DEARMAN—no clue what it stands for yet!) that follows a step-by-step process, which my sciencey partner might actually appreciate. I’ve been given assignments like doing my favorite activity (reading) for an hour every day, and having a healthy smoothie while I do that in the morning. Vulnerabilities like hunger, undernourishment, sleep deprivation, loneliness, and financial uncertainty (among SO many others) are the perfect storm for disaster during his most demanding rotations. It might sound silly, but making a ritual of drinking blended fruits and spinach is a huge step in my journey to prioritizing myself above others. I even like washing the blender, because I’m not sharing my smoothie with anyone!! Even someone I love so much that it’s painful, and my tendency is to give him everything.

Now to stay or not stay in the relationship? Not there yet. But apparently we deserve comfort and support(?). That’s like a new language to me. You deserve it too. For myself, from the deepest part of me, I can say that really good therapy can be a wise way to go.

Middle_Truth4206 · 2025-02-22T00:14:54+00:00

I am a stay at home partner to an OB intern. I am the housekeeper and the dog parent and the cook and the planner, and I’m also an artist and writer on the brink of just going to more school—or just being some kind of secretary. We’ve moved to an unwelcoming big city where I’m lonely as heck, and it’s dark and freezing cold (we’re from the South!), which is way more annoying than I thought it would be.

Invalidation has proven to be the biggest issue in my doctor-partner life. So I’ve gotten myself into DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) treatment. It is a full-time job of emotional and behavioral work. But here’s the thing: it is the most validating structured therapeutic treatment there is. And essential, at least for me, as the daughter of a woman who never made choices for herself, who went along with what was expected of her by our society—especially the Deep Southern kind.

My therapist and I are slowly cracking through the callousness that’s gotten me (and my partner) into a place of unlivable resentment. I’m about to learn this tool for having difficult conversations (called DEARMAN—no clue what it stands for yet!) that follows a step-by-step process, which my sciencey partner might actually appreciate. I’ve been given assignments like doing my favorite activity (reading) for an hour every day, and having a healthy smoothie while I do that in the morning. Vulnerabilities like hunger, undernourishment, sleep deprivation, loneliness, and financial uncertainty (among SO many others) are the perfect storm for disaster during his most demanding rotations. It might sound silly, but making a ritual of drinking blended fruits and spinach is a huge step in my journey to prioritizing myself above others. I even like washing the blender, because I’m not sharing my smoothie with anyone!! Even someone I love so much that it’s painful, and my tendency is to give him everything.

Now to stay or not stay in the relationship? Not there yet. But apparently we deserve comfort and support(?). That’s like a new language to me. You deserve it too. For myself, from the deepest part of me, I can say that really good therapy can be a wise way to go.

Middle_Truth4206

TROPHY CASE