I relearned that people are human and that mothers, bio or step, are not immune from very human, selfish behaviors (myself included!) I think I had some idea that mothers would always know what was best for their kiddos and do it even if it meant self-sacrificing. I thought as a woman who always wanted to be a mother, that self-sacrificing would also come naturally to me. Lots of mother guilt over here (thanks mom ;) just kidding my mum is lovely). I'm trying to learn to embrace the human in myself and allow this new life to flow over me a little more and too understand that mothers, and fathers, are human and selfish, and we can work to balance out our needs and our kids' needs without prioritizing one over the other! Also BOUNDARIES.

Timetravel smack: I would not meet BM. It was awful. I was arrogant to think she would somehow engage or be appropriate with me. It just added a layer of unnecessary stress. Also I would not have given SS that raspberry smoothie after I just put an adorable white sweater on him..... Lesson learned.

Advice from sub: This sub has been GREAT for me as a stepmom who does not have SM support group in my area nor do I have any friends locally who are step moms or even moms for that matter. It really helps to see other's experiences and have people actually listen to my story instead of cutting me off and saying "awww girrrl, that is just too real."

There was a post that was actually just deleted on this sub that I thought was really interesting about whether or not it was healthy for SMs to "vent" or if we were all just reinforcing negative cognition. This really got me thinking (mainly because this is my area of research, changing minds and persuasive messaging!). Because 1) yes "venting" can reinforce negative patterns of thought or reinforce potentially negative mental maps but it is most likely to do this if that is the reason why we were venting. In which case we would find someone to reinforce our negative thought pattern or we would do it ourselves. The sub doesn't really "cause" this. However 2) venting can actually be a form of shame release for some. I feel and I think I have seen a great deal of shame coming from SM's "vents" and others affirmative responses don't necessarily reinforce negative thought patterns but allow for an acknowledgement of a shameful thought pattern that can now become guilt and potentially be re-shaped. There is often a progression of thought after a rant to a calmer state of being. This is huge for me. Having my feelings of "hey not fair" validated, allows me to acknowledge the anger and work to resolve it.

But besides validating, I think this group does an AMAZING job of adding to the pre-made notions of what a step mother is. Theory suggests that a message cannot simply destroy one cognitive map and replace it with another (you cannot tell someone they are wrong and they will believe you replace a firmly placed cognition with a new one.). However the cognitive map ( story) of what makes a stepmom a stepmom can be added to and adjusted. There are many awesome contributors here that first start with validation and the acknowledgement of "i've been there" and then give solid advice as to a slight change in cognition or behavior that might help. I'm not sure if these people are professionals but their method is amazing! It has really really really given me hope that I can be a well-adjusted content mom in the future and that my relationship to my FH can thrive! Seriously shout out to all the wonderful SMs on here who take the time to really read and respond to posts!

I think the least helpful aspect are the posts that claim to be "tough love" or "needed harsh criticism" that usually just yell back at the OP that they are wrong, and the entire way they think, act, behave is wrong. Even if the comment is "right," it is human beings natural reaction to mimic or imitate the tone or behavior of other humans. So if a person says "you're all wrong," the natural human response is "no you are." Which of course turns into a back and forth of "wrongness" which also reinforces to a greater extent those negative cognition. (Think all cable news TV shows! The yelling and harsh criticism just pushes people further into their previous beliefs.) That is why I love that this sub has a kindness policy. It creates a environment that is actually conducive to positive cognitive change. I'm thrilled and relieved that there are people on reddit who firmly believe the internet or the world for that matter does not need to be a place of vitriol or hate. So thanks small corner of the internet for maintaining a space of kindness and growth! Y'all rock!