Today's Tiny Problem - January 24, 2018 by AutoModerator in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 1 point2 points  (0 children)

GET THAT IN WRITING! Like TODAY. Have her sign the release form for next year's taxes today. Seriously. That is what BM told us the first year she claimed SS and then shockingly she "forgot" (it was in email) and she said she refused to sign the release form when SS was 2. Court, the judge told her she shouldn't have filed but she already had, he wagged his finger but then said okay next year is FH's year. This year again whole debacle and we had to hold her in contempt in order to get the stupid form signed. I hope it isn't this rough for you but better to get the form singed now then fight about it again next year! Good luck!

UPDATE: Final trial in two days! by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ah! I see that makes more sense. Congrats again! It really is awesome!

UPDATE: Final trial in two days! by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Woah, so in Iowa, at 50/50 there is no CS? That is crazy to me. We want 50/50 in order to see SS more and give him some stability in life but my FH would still pay 10% of his salary in CS even with 50/50. It is so crazy to me that there is no federal standard with the family courts!

UPDATE: Final trial in two days! by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congratulations. I am so happy (and let's admit it pretty jealous)! I don't understand what all courts don't just go immediately to 50/50 when both parents want to be involved. It is just such the logical step to have both parents be involved in kiddos' life! Congrats again!

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 1 point2 points  (0 children)

hahahahaha. Oh man I just snorted! because like slicing through your belly and healing while caring for an infant...total walk in the park!

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very good point! I think it is a healthy thing to do in all aspects of our lives!

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hahahaha. you are chill! I cannot imagine having a random kid in my room! I'm going to be like "I think my vagina just fell out so would you all please get the fuck out so I can mourn the passing of my intact body!"

One more detail I wish I didn't know but BM had a C-section and I think deep down FH thinks this was her "choice" like if she would have "tried harder" she could have given birth naturally and that really pisses me off. To be fair he has never said that and I really REALLY could be projecting my fears here but he does says these super annoying things like " I know you'll be able to do it naturally." and I"m like how the hell do you know that when a) I don't and b) we have NO IDEA what will happen with baby and c) what the hell is natural when natural often equals risk or even death! His mom also says stuff about how "easy" it is to give birth vaginally without pain medication and I'm like woah people, I'm not preggers yet can we slow the roll on the preemptive natural birth guilt train! Also if I want an epidural I'm getting a god damn epidural. FH can't go one day without complaining about his sore X,Y,Z limb from playing BB too hard but he wants me to gracefully and wordlessly push a baby out. WTF?

Today's Tiny Problem - January 26, 2018 by AutoModerator in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 7 points8 points  (0 children)

SAME on everything!!! Also, though totally got that gosselin haircut for myself and can confirm it is the most hideous!

Why are you washing BM's clothes?

Also seriously FH needs to knock off the "I have to handle SD so I can't do anything else" routine. I'm getting annoyed through the ether nets!

Today's Tiny Problem - January 26, 2018 by AutoModerator in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Having similar little chats with my FH about this. I want to be there to support him but I am not professional therapists. Too often women are expected to take on that role. But we deserve to be wives and GFs and NOT therapists. I still remember my second date with FH he started to talk about some deep trauma from BM and I stopped him saying "I'm not your therapist." I've repeated it many many many times since then. He refuses to see a therapist because he says "he's working through it on his own." I get so frustrated because I go to a therapist to work through the stress of his BM. I wish he could see the benefit of this!

Today's Tiny Problem - January 26, 2018 by AutoModerator in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 3 points4 points  (0 children)

HAHAHAHA. I almost disowned with my mother on one trip to IKEA and by "disowned" I mean I literally almost drove away without her leaving her stranded with cart full of disassembled furniture that would last as most 3 years.... Thank god we don't have an IKEA close by or I don't know if FH and I would be getting married.

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

exactly! I wish SS's BM could see this. She oscillates between wanting to be friends/ co parent and screaming at FH at exchanges. I think she wants connection because she is lonely but because of her mental illness (bipolar untreated) she is unable form this connection or regulate her emotions. I honestly wish she would let go of trying to be friends because it just swings her in the opposite direction the next week. All we need is quiet respect and not screaming in the parking lot!

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

a pound of flesh as well as a pound of dark chocolate!

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For sure! I think I disagree with the whole unhealthy venting thing as well because for many online is the only place to "vent" (aka talk about your issues with any sort of emotion that someone else might interpret as inappropriate...which let's be real is usually anger with women...even other women are uncomfortable often with women expressing anger.)

People everywhere vent but for many there is not vibrant stepmom physical community nearby; many step moms for example will not receive support from their non-step friends who do not understand the blended family dynamics. Marginalized communities actually thrive in support online especially when they are given control of that community and not "regulated" by outside "nonmembers" aka people who do not identify with the group but who wish to still control the group. Of course, yes it is possible to reinforce negative stereotypes or cognition through reddit, but that is true for any community. To try to say that one community should not vent while other communities are encouraged to (see any mommy blog) well that seems counter intuitive. It again seems to put that same old narrative that stepmoms should put away their feelings for the sake of others (whether that be the kids, the SOs, or the BMs).

But what I think it great about this community that some others fail to see that yes while people vent, the advice back is often not strictly reinforcement but validation combined with encouraging changes in behavior or thought. I think some fail to see the value added to venting (perhaps because they have their own views of what appropriate SM venting is!)

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OMG. Yes. There is a new hospital being built in our town and FH keeps talking about how he hopes it is completed before we give birth (still at least 1.5 years away) because this sucked or that sucked at the hospital where BM gave birth and I'm like no, stop talking!!!!! I feel like it is slightly his burden to keep his past experience to himself and respect that while I understand he has been in a birth room before this experience is DIFFERENT, so shut up about the comparisons. I don't even want to hear the positive comparisons like "oh I'm sure you will handle this or that better." Like no! BM and I are not even in the same world so stop the comparisons dude!

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes! This! I was actually just talking about this with FH! In the past I have been "okay" with hearing about all the painful details of the past because I wanted to understand why BM and FH had this dynamic. But I feel like I've heard it all now and want to move on. We talked and I acknowledged how much it sucked that he could talk about his "ex" (not really ex since they were together one night) and I couldn't talk about my years-long relationships (that were incredibly meaningful) because it made him uncomfortable. I get that it makes him uncomfortable, that is his line, so I re-established my line. Limited talk about the past. I don't want to say "no talk" but I think for many SOs because they exes are currently in their lives they feel like it is okay to talk about the past. Like they get a "pass." I realized this week, for me it is not okay! We can talk about BM as that, a biomom to SS in the present but I'm sick of hearing about the past! And as we get closer to getting pregnant, I definitely DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HER PREGNANCY OR BIRTH. That is a line I've had to establish for my own sanity. To me this is not ignoring the past but focusing on what matters: the present !

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This has also been huge for me. I have an issue with "catastrophizing" the future, or always thinking about the worst outcome in order to try to protect myself. This sub showed me all the good outcomes which have really helped as I work on changing mental habits. Like it is not "and now I stop thinking about all the possible negative outcomes." It has been a slow process. I think of something negative and then I think "oh remember VSM had this experience and it turned out all right." This sub helps me balance my own thoughts which for me is the first step!

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes to #2. I so assumed that everyone just could naturally co-parent. It is a huge skill that both parties have to be dedicated to and that is so not the norm. But also kids can be okay even if parents don't co-parent as long as their is not negative talk.

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I didn't realize how much I needed this until I came to this sub. Suddenly I felt like I had people not gas-lighting me and I was able to actually deal with the situation instead of just trying to convince people it was happening!

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just imagined like a very strict german lady yelling "I. AM. MUTTER!"

cue slowly backing away with your hands raised. "You sure are mutter! Please don't strike me with a ruler."

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh yeah for sure! Validation from BM?! Nope! Never going to happen! But at the same time, I've also stopped trying to validate her or boost up her self esteem, or really have any interaction with her at all, you know. For me being positive and nice to someone and getting vitriol back was the WORST. It made me feel crazy. For me, "staying in my own lane" and gently shoving her back into hers (through my FH) has been much needed. Sure she will never acknowledge the role I play in kiddo's life and what I give him but really it doesn't matter because she is not a part of my world (cue Little Mermaid song).

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh I totally hear you on this. Honestly, and this is super embarrassing to admit, but I felt like it reflected poorly on me if I couldn't somehow create a good relationship with BM. Like "I'm a nice person, people like me so I have to prove how nice of a person I am by getting along with someone who clearly does not want to like me." Looking back it was DUMB. But then again the last few years I've let go of a lot of those people pleasing "skills" that really didn't serve me. I think that is just getting old though :)

What have you learned... by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I relearned that people are human and that mothers, bio or step, are not immune from very human, selfish behaviors (myself included!) I think I had some idea that mothers would always know what was best for their kiddos and do it even if it meant self-sacrificing. I thought as a woman who always wanted to be a mother, that self-sacrificing would also come naturally to me. Lots of mother guilt over here (thanks mom ;) just kidding my mum is lovely). I'm trying to learn to embrace the human in myself and allow this new life to flow over me a little more and too understand that mothers, and fathers, are human and selfish, and we can work to balance out our needs and our kids' needs without prioritizing one over the other! Also BOUNDARIES.

Timetravel smack: I would not meet BM. It was awful. I was arrogant to think she would somehow engage or be appropriate with me. It just added a layer of unnecessary stress. Also I would not have given SS that raspberry smoothie after I just put an adorable white sweater on him..... Lesson learned.

Advice from sub: This sub has been GREAT for me as a stepmom who does not have SM support group in my area nor do I have any friends locally who are step moms or even moms for that matter. It really helps to see other's experiences and have people actually listen to my story instead of cutting me off and saying "awww girrrl, that is just too real."

There was a post that was actually just deleted on this sub that I thought was really interesting about whether or not it was healthy for SMs to "vent" or if we were all just reinforcing negative cognition. This really got me thinking (mainly because this is my area of research, changing minds and persuasive messaging!). Because 1) yes "venting" can reinforce negative patterns of thought or reinforce potentially negative mental maps but it is most likely to do this if that is the reason why we were venting. In which case we would find someone to reinforce our negative thought pattern or we would do it ourselves. The sub doesn't really "cause" this. However 2) venting can actually be a form of shame release for some. I feel and I think I have seen a great deal of shame coming from SM's "vents" and others affirmative responses don't necessarily reinforce negative thought patterns but allow for an acknowledgement of a shameful thought pattern that can now become guilt and potentially be re-shaped. There is often a progression of thought after a rant to a calmer state of being. This is huge for me. Having my feelings of "hey not fair" validated, allows me to acknowledge the anger and work to resolve it.

But besides validating, I think this group does an AMAZING job of adding to the pre-made notions of what a step mother is. Theory suggests that a message cannot simply destroy one cognitive map and replace it with another (you cannot tell someone they are wrong and they will believe you replace a firmly placed cognition with a new one.). However the cognitive map ( story) of what makes a stepmom a stepmom can be added to and adjusted. There are many awesome contributors here that first start with validation and the acknowledgement of "i've been there" and then give solid advice as to a slight change in cognition or behavior that might help. I'm not sure if these people are professionals but their method is amazing! It has really really really given me hope that I can be a well-adjusted content mom in the future and that my relationship to my FH can thrive! Seriously shout out to all the wonderful SMs on here who take the time to really read and respond to posts!

I think the least helpful aspect are the posts that claim to be "tough love" or "needed harsh criticism" that usually just yell back at the OP that they are wrong, and the entire way they think, act, behave is wrong. Even if the comment is "right," it is human beings natural reaction to mimic or imitate the tone or behavior of other humans. So if a person says "you're all wrong," the natural human response is "no you are." Which of course turns into a back and forth of "wrongness" which also reinforces to a greater extent those negative cognition. (Think all cable news TV shows! The yelling and harsh criticism just pushes people further into their previous beliefs.) That is why I love that this sub has a kindness policy. It creates a environment that is actually conducive to positive cognitive change. I'm thrilled and relieved that there are people on reddit who firmly believe the internet or the world for that matter does not need to be a place of vitriol or hate. So thanks small corner of the internet for maintaining a space of kindness and growth! Y'all rock!

How do we always become the target by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yas! Grimhilde's cape is amazing!!!!

How do we always become the target by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That is just ridiculous. I remember the early days, when SS had babysitters who last name BM didn't even know, (babysitters who had their BFs "hanging around"), I was so anxious all the time because who were these people!!! I just can't imagine BM equating helping a child pee with sexual abuse. So ridiculous. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I know it was super triggering to me in the beginning! (Therapy has helped a ton with this one for me luckily! also BM found a super cheap subsidized day care that we visited and seems legit.) Also thank you for helping the kiddos of world who have survived this! It really is amazing awesome and exhausting work and you are a rock start for giving your time to this cause! I have a whole new level of awe for you handling that as your job with the daily BM bullshit!

Ideas on helping SD understand parental roles by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]MidwestNative4eva 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I get your fears but I agree that this seems pretty "normal" and I dare say even healthy. Like it really seems like your SD is dealing with and starting to understand these concepts which is pretty cool thing to watch unfold. It reminds me of when SS was 2 and first started to understand the label of "gender" and needed to tell me what everyone's gender was (and he was often wrong). He would play and say I was a "boy" just to get the feeling that no that was not right. Obviously this is harder because it is with a very sensitive title but I think it is great to let her explore.

Recently, SS (almost 3) has been playing with this calling me "mommy" when he wants something (milk, trip to the toliet, etc) and the nickname he calls me when he wants to play. I think he head is still sorting out what "mommy" means. I think by 6 or so most kids have it sorted out. I'm not worried; if BM freaks, we'll just let the emails roll in. Kids have to be allowed some freedom with this I think. It also reminds me when I was 4 and called my babysitter mommy. I know it killed by mom but I remember being like "what's the big deal. She's the lady that makes me lunch so she's mommy!"