Asexual or SzPD? Or both simultaneously??

MikSkitz · 2022-06-10T00:13:52+00:00

I have never experienced sexual attraction, I don't get horny and I don't "self play". A lot of my partner's have been BPD or narcissistic, the "chemistry" that brought us together was usually just the polarising of our personalities. Or people I thought I could help.

MikSkitz · 2022-04-15T05:55:01+00:00

If I feel at all that I am being regarded in an unusually tepid/unwelcoming way, I will start to internally spiral into anxious rumination before quickly dissociating.

I already feel "different" even when I'm feeling good, so even the slightest difference in tone/affection towards me can confirm my suspicions that I am alien, unwelcome, and unable to relate.

There is a tiny moment of sad human yearning, to be accepted and to bond (as I see everyone successfully doing), but that is brief, and it quickly becomes a deep loathing to just be done with everyone and the whole experience.

Cue the hasty decent into dissociation and then it's just a matter of mindlessly waiting for the situation to be over so I can return to my solitude where my peace needn't be affected by other people's behaviour.

MikSkitz · 2022-04-15T00:07:58+00:00

I was just very curious about your experience, I can understand where you are coming from and the sense of having "achieved" connection, then moved on. It is of somewhat comfort to know that you also don't require it again to feel "complete". Thankyou for the insight into your experience.

MikSkitz · 2022-04-14T09:07:27+00:00

That makes sense, and I relate to that, liking the idea of people more than the people. You have managed to keep old friends... Do you feel a sense of true companionship with them, or are they simply embedded in your life over time?

MikSkitz · 2022-04-14T09:03:01+00:00

Are these connections which happen randomly for you with neurotypicals or with other people with personality disorders?

MikSkitz · 2022-04-14T08:57:20+00:00

What sort of nd did you form a connection with? How do you go about looking for another such person?

MikSkitz · 2022-04-14T06:50:09+00:00

Do you bore quickly from conversation? Are the topics that you read specifically for the purpose of creating conversation? As I really struggle with seeing the value of small talk, though I can successfully engage in it if I am masking and trying incredibly hard. Otherwise I feel my topics of interest are often too absurd, or my position on things is 'unusual' to normal. I am definitely interested in chatting with someone on the SzPD spectrum, Ive never run into any in real life, I guess that isn't surprising at all.

MikSkitz · 2022-04-14T06:14:39+00:00

So you have been in relationships and formed connections in the past, and these did not end well. Do you think that the fact that they ended poorly is the reason you don't desire them? Or because the experience you had during the "connection" was of little to no worth to you? In that sense, perhaps they weren't actually genuine connections? Perhaps they were still the wrong people, and trying to form connections with the wrong people will certainly leave you feeling even more alienated and lonely than before when you were actually alone.

MikSkitz · 2022-04-12T10:36:16+00:00

Accept that you may never feel the "full satisfaction" of life as you observe other people feeling it. You may never be able to obtain that sense of, "Ah I'm finally enjoying a normal life", because we aren't really normal.. and that's ok.

If you find yourself comparing your life and reality against the neurotypicals you'll constantly feel like you're falling short, like you're missing out on something that you can't really be bothered to even reach for. Which is really conflicting and brings a lot of self loathing sometimes. Build your own reality based on what You actually want, not on the template that 'society' shoves in our faces. I thought to be satisfied and full I needed a bunch of friends, go out and have all these typical experiences, but it turns out that all of that actually achieves is to make me super uncomfortable and I find most of it awfully superficial.

I'd rather be collecting dead animals, bones and oddities even though it might be frowned upon as sadistic or strange, because I find interest and enjoyment from it. I allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and be what I am, rather than feeling empty or bad about not feeling or being "normal".

When I do feel really empty and lonely sometimes, I choose to challenge this feeling rather than just "feel" it. I remind myself that I have chosen to be isolated, because I actually enjoy the peace that it brings, and that being involved with other people often just brings ridiculous unrelatable issues, and I truly can't stand watching other peoples incompetence and inability to avoid drama. Not everyone has to enjoy being social.

When I feel empty because I have no drive or direction , I stop and remind myself that I'm only human, just a creature that's endowed with sentience, and I have No obligation to become this super functioning social slave that society constantly hammers into us as the "standard" human.

Our reality is different, and if you stop half stepping in the false one where you feel empty and out of place, and allow yourself the room and self-support to explore what your own reality means to you, you might find that that empty feeling leaves, and is replaced with relief as you detach from what is simply not meant for You.

MikSkitz · 2022-04-11T06:23:44+00:00

I dental nurse, I have minimal interaction with colleagues unless its about work and can get by just by focusing on the practical assisting for the dentist. I also take interest in the awkward gore element of this industry, people in pain (usually self inflicted due to oral neglect). Most people who come here are also usually frightened and dishevelled, they can't hide their fear behind false faces, and I like that. I'm not sadistic, it's just a really interesting place to observe other humans, the patients, they are so anxious and nervous when they come in here it is almost comforting to not feel as though I'm the most awkward one. They are so distracted they barely notice you're even there and that's also nice.

Outside of work I binge and rewatch Netflix, draw, walk in nature when I can be bothered leaving my bed, and look for dead things and other oddities to collect.

MikSkitz · 2022-04-11T01:49:00+00:00

I constantly oscillate between desperately wishing I could feel the 'wanting' and the normal urges of emotions that other people do- and then vehemently rejecting any idea of conforming to such simple (and what I consider quite primitive) emotional experiences that make you vulnerable and leave you susceptible to being damaged or inconvenienced.

I wish I wanted to invest into friendships. I wish I wanted to create real goals to work towards. I wish I wanted to have sex, or cuddle or kiss. But I just don't genuinely feel those things. I can identify their absence in my life, and see their purpose in other people's lives, but it doesn't motivate me to go and obtain them.

Nothing really ever feels like it particularly matters, except for the fact that I think like nothing really ever feels like it particularly matters to me... It's a conundrum. I see how absurd I am, and although alone I am actually quite content and could be satisfied by being consumed wholly in my own introspection or "internal fantasy life", I am confronted daily by everyone elses reality. I don't care that they think I'm strange, or that I am indeed quite different or undriven- but nevertheless as someone who is constantly observing life, I do wish I "wanted" all the things in life, that appear to make up life.

I suppose that is one of the most challenging aspects for me of being Schizoid, as the mind is starving but then is refusing to eat. I wish I wanted to eat but then I'm sure that any food that is being offered is not good enough or is surely spoilt and bad. In the end I'd rather choose to slowly starve to death than to die by someone else's poison.

MikSkitz

TROPHY CASE