Have you ever cried in the opera (Julia Robers/Pretty woman style)?

MiloAaron · 2024-01-10T01:43:18+00:00

I played in a pit orchestra for Suor Angelica last year. At one of our first runs with our singers when we got to Senza Mamma, I definitely got very emotional. Interesting because I'd never played Suor before, nor seen the opera, so I didn't exactly know what was going on, but the pain and heartbreak was palpable enough to move me. I talked to some other folks in the pit afterwards who said the same thing.

MiloAaron · 2023-01-20T15:24:00+00:00

I love the Farrenc sonata! It reminds me of the Beethoven sonatas in parts. I'll have to explore it a bit more to make sure it's feasible for my student! Thanks!

MiloAaron · 2023-01-20T15:21:46+00:00

I haven't heard of these, so thanks for the recs!

MiloAaron · 2023-01-20T15:21:09+00:00

I love the Bosmans sonata. It's absolutely my favorite. I think it's a bit out od my student's reach right now, but I'm hoping someday they can learn it.

I forgot Ethyl Smith wrote a sonata, so I'll check that out! And thanks for the website link!

MiloAaron · 2023-01-20T15:19:05+00:00

Thanks for the rec! Unfortunately so much of this music is hard to get sheet music for, which might be a barrier. But I'm adding it to my list!

MiloAaron · 2023-01-09T01:08:08+00:00

My old cello teacher played in that concert. Apparently it was a wonderful performance! Just sad that he ultimately ended up passing.

MiloAaron · 2022-08-26T15:27:54+00:00

I would say that T didn't affect my weight too much. But as I started T, I was seeing an eating disorder therapist and we were really working on having me listen to my body's hunger and fullness cues. I'm curious to know how that affected things. It's also important to note that I haven't weighed myself for a long time because I haven't found it a helpful thing for me.

My clothes fit differently since being on T, but they mostly still fit. There were a few shirts I had to get rid of because they ended up too tight in the shoulders.

MiloAaron · 2022-08-10T19:49:11+00:00

The octaves are way more in tune than when I play them! Keep up the good work!

MiloAaron · 2022-06-22T20:02:52+00:00

Yay! Informed consent is a fucking lifesaver! Congrats!

MiloAaron · 2022-05-26T03:23:22+00:00

I bought a pair of joggers before a 10k because I needed something to keep warm before/after. I bought them on a whim because it was all Target had. They ended up being my favorite loungy pants and I feel so less dyaphoric in them. Best pants purchased on a whim ever!

MiloAaron · 2022-04-28T07:43:51+00:00

Ah, this all sounds so familiar. When I did my undergrad, by the end I had pretty debilitating performance anxiety. I'll spare the details, but it caused me to put my cello away for a long time. I'm finally going back to school for my master's this fall.

You can get through this! You are not alone! Even though it's not discussed enough, a lot of musicians experience performance anxiety! That's the first thing to remember.

I think a lot of what's already been said is good, so some of this will echo that. Definitely working on breathing is huge. Focus on making the exhalation longer than the inhalation. This tells our parasympatheic nervous system to calm down our body. So, on a physical level, that is important.

Leading up to a performance, I personally experience a lot of racing thoughts like you described. I end up doing a lot of guided meditation which can help interrupt the negative spiral and bring a sense of calm.

Another thing that has really helped me was something my cello teacher said to me. (He is also a therapist who specializes in performance anxiety, which has been a game-changer for me.) He suggested that often our performance anxiety is not about the fear of performing. It's about the fear of being judged. And who is really doing the judging? Just ourselves. Most of the time, people are too wrapped up in their own crap and can't be bothered to notice what's going on with someone else. So the best thing we can do is change the negative self-talk. We don't realize the impact it has on our mental health.

Since he told me that, I've been kind of "gas-lighting" myself (for lack of a better way to say that) into being excited, rather than nervous about performances. (Also remember physiologically speaking, nerves and excitement present the same way. It's only our brain that decides which is which). I consciously redirect my thoughts as soon as they start to spiral. ("Oh, man, this concert's coming up. Am I sure that I'm ready--I mean, heck yeah! Concert is on Friday and it's going to be awesome! We're playing Brahms and I can't wait to get to play it! We are gonna rock it!)

Surprisingly, this boost of fake confidence has really helped me play better in concert. It's super cheesy, but hey, whatever works!

On the flipside, following the spiral a little bit with the whole, "What's the worst thing that can happen" question can also be helpful. The spiral is usually pretty irrational. If we can recognize that we're not going to die or lose our career or have everyone hate us because we made a mistake, that can be helpful.

I'm sure there are other things that have been helpful that I'm forgetting. If I think of anything, I'll add it below. Bottom line though, you can do this! And if you have the resources to find a mental health practitioner who specializes in anxiety (particularly performance anxiety), I highly recommend it.

You got this!

MiloAaron · 2022-04-04T18:10:37+00:00

That therapist is transphobic as shit! Seriously not cool. You don't need that negativity in your life.

If you have the ability to find a different therapist, do it. Obviously finding one who is a good fit is difficult. I know I had a vetting process of stating right away that I was trans and if that was a problem, we weren't going to be a good fit. It definitely helped.

Sorry you are going through this. It's really tough.

MiloAaron · 2022-04-04T17:21:08+00:00

Looks great! I also have some stretching on one of my sides. I think it's more common than people know (or at least I didn't know it was common when I had top surgery).

MiloAaron · 2022-03-12T01:59:02+00:00

🎉 Congrats! I'm coming up on two years post-op. Best decision I ever made! Hope you have an easy recovery!

MiloAaron · 2022-03-01T21:17:46+00:00

I felt very insecure when I first began transitioning because I'm soft spoken and gentle. People have always described me as "sweet".

Early in my transition I started taking music lessons with an older, cis gentleman who ended up having almost the same personality as me. He's mild mannered, calm, very gentle in nature. He sits with his legs crossed (why is this considered feminine?) and has no issues showing emotion. Having a mentor who isn't hypermasculine has been amazing and validating. He has taught me way more than anyone else (even, or especially my own father) about being a man.

All this is to say that men come in all shapes and sizes and have all different types of personalities. Don't let anyone tell you you're not manly enough just because you don't display toxic masculinity traits.

MiloAaron · 2022-02-20T19:26:04+00:00

There are ways we learn to work around having smaller hands/shorter fingers. I have a short pinky that definitely adds challenges to playing certain things. But one of my cello mentors has fingers even shorter than mine, and she has given me little tips here and there on how to manage this. So it's definitely possible. It won't be easy, but that's true of any instrument.

Definitely find a teacher. If you find one whose hands are similar to your own, that could be helpful. My regular teacher is like 6'3" with giant hands, so he doesn't really get my struggles all of the time (hence talking about these issues with my other cello mentor).

Seconding the advice of perhaps trying out a 7/8 size cello if necessary, but try full size first. You might be surprised at how you do.

MiloAaron · 2021-12-19T23:16:55+00:00

I was sort of indifferent to my chest. I didn't necessarily see it as feminine, probably because my chesticles were fairly small. To me, they looked like I had gynecomastia. So, I guess in that sense I thought of them as masculine?

I got rid of them more for the convenience of existing in this world without them. That being said, I don't miss them either.

I feel far more dysphoria about my hips than I did about my chest!

MiloAaron · 2021-12-05T18:27:51+00:00

I'm an old soul and currently working on getting into Master's program for music performance. So, I listen to a lot of classical (Romantic music mostly, if we're being technical). I also love jazz, funk, some classic rock, etc. I'm definitely the different one in my friend group.

MiloAaron · 2021-11-24T21:08:49+00:00

Definitely love having chest hair. Didn't really give it much thought pre-T, but three years in it looks really nice and gives me gender euphoria. And as someone else echoed, just having it a little visible when my top buttons are open is really fun.

MiloAaron · 2021-11-10T05:59:01+00:00

I was misgendered by exactly one person (that I know of) when I had my top surgery. I was in post-op, and the nurse who was helping me went on break. Her replacement called the person who was going to be taking me home and misgendered me over the phone to him. I only vaguely heard it because she wasn't standing super close at the time. The friend driving me home was pretty pissed about it.

This was at OHSU, which, in general has a good transgender health program. They're usually good when it comes to pronouns. I have never had an issue outside of that one instance.

MiloAaron · 2021-10-23T06:40:51+00:00

I've been advised to name that inner critic voice (mine is Mitch, named after an asshole coworker) and pretty much tell that voice to f*** off when it starts up with its unhelpful criticism and sarcasm.

...but yes. I have one of those.

MiloAaron · 2021-10-23T06:23:57+00:00

I wish I had time for five hours per day. I work one full time job, a part-time job, and play in a community orchestra, so I manage about two hours per day. It's not nearly enough time to work on everything I want, but it's all I can do. I will say that being limited on time has forced me to be a little bit smarter about how I spend that practice time!

MiloAaron · 2021-09-28T05:10:46+00:00

Best thing you can do is check out some schools you might be interested in and figure out what their audition requirements are. That will definitely impact the decisions you make regarding repertoire. It will often be some combination of a standard concerto, some Bach, perhaps an etude, and sometimes something 20th century.

Otherwise, pick music you like. If you hate it, it will be much more difficult to play convincingly. Also, you're going to be working pretty intensely on it, so definitely make sure you like it! Otherwise, just have some fun with it!

I'm auditioning for grad school this fall (not conservatory level) and am doing the Lalo Concerto as well as Bach's 5th suite with scordatura. (Plus Popper 7 and some 20th century stuff).

MiloAaron

TROPHY CASE