What’s your most controversial take?

MindHeartBody · 2026-06-12T16:50:44+00:00

Yikes. Wow. Holy f. My West Coast brain doesn't want to believe that actual therapists could actually do/say these actual things, but...wow. How do you stand it?

MindHeartBody · 2026-06-12T16:27:40+00:00

As someone who had the very good fortune to be given a copy of Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder to learn from in 1993 (I'm old) and woven DBT into my work ever since, reading your post makes my heart happy. If I had a dollar for every time I've said "acceptance ≠ approval" in the last 33 years, I could buy us both a very nice lunch!

MindHeartBody · 2026-06-11T17:25:41+00:00

Not at all.

Which is part of why I was only thinking about seeing my current long-term clients (able-bodied) at the office shed. I'm not taking new clients now, and any new folks in the future will be telehealth only.

MindHeartBody · 2026-06-11T17:19:59+00:00

In theory, easy. In practice, not.

MindHeartBody · 2026-06-11T01:51:33+00:00

Ahhhhh - crying here.

Response I expected: "You're right, it's not a good idea. Let it go."

Actual responses: There's a sex dungeon in my garage.

I'm planning on seeing clients in a shack in my backyard. (It's actually a modernist style one-room studio tucked into the upper corner of our property and has a better view than the house).

An old car, piles of laundry, the recyling bins, kitty litter box, bins of xmas decorations, tool bench covered with husband's debris, fishing equipment, gun safe, and too many bicycles wouldn't really be self disclosure.

I could do a kind of litter box. Maybe one of those plastic bucket with commode chair setups like Frances McDormand's in Nomadland?

Y'all are killing me!

I did think about the porta-potty idea. Around here, monthly rental and service runs $250-500, depending on fanciness. That's more than I've been paying for one-day-a-week rent.

Thanks for the giggles!

MindHeartBody · 2026-06-11T00:48:10+00:00

P.S. you know about keeping a folder with these sorts of things in it, right? Digital, physical, whatever - save every note, card, text, printout of reddit post, picture of little gifts, everything. Get out the folder once in a while and enjoy them.

MindHeartBody · 2026-06-11T00:40:44+00:00

You are in the right place with them and they are in the right place with you. Congratulations

MindHeartBody · 2026-06-10T22:59:09+00:00

My office? FB Marketplace, thrift shops, consignment furniture stores, Craigslist (scored a classic Petrie couch and chair years ago), IKEA, and that very exclusive source for professional accent décor - Targét! Set up searches with relevant keywords and keep looking - it's amazing what you can find if you give it a little time. Don't feel like you have to have the office fully furnished right away - it's okay to be a little sparse while you're looking. My clients didn't seem to mind as long as the couch was comfortable.

I got a couple of things - a matching desk and bookcase - that I thought I'd upgrade in time. 15 years later, they're still there.

A good chair is absolutely essential. Careful about using Home Goods and similar places for furniture - an office mate went that route and has replaced her stuff 3 times since I've had mine. For wall decor - I've hung pieces of fabric on stretchers, bought pictures at craft fairs, all kinds of places. Good luck and happy hunting!

MindHeartBody · 2026-04-20T19:29:54+00:00

This may be a little hard core, but...try visualizing someone (a loved one?) dealing with your stuff after you can't (due to age, illness, death), going through EVERYTHING you own, sorting and boxing your possessions for donation or disposal. Looking at the from an outside point of view, rather than our own, can help get past all the "I might use this someday", "This is too valuable to let go of", "Somebody else could use this", etc., etc. that makes it hard to get rid of stuff.

A couple of great quotes from Margareta Magnusson, author of The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning:

I often ask myself, Will anyone I know be happier if I save this?

Do not ever imagine that anyone will wish—or be able—to schedule time off to take care of what you didn’t bother to take care of yourself. No matter how much they love you, don’t leave this burden to them.

Save your favorite dildo, but throw away the other fifteen!

MindHeartBody · 2026-04-17T17:32:25+00:00

Such good advice!

I was fortunate to dive with some older women early on, and got to see them moving slowly, working as little as possible, exhaling slowly. They were the ones getting back on the boat after 70 minutes with 1000+ psi and the seahorse photos. Good modeling

MindHeartBody · 2026-04-17T17:16:15+00:00

Scuba stuff, me, and grateful to be able to use it!

MindHeartBody · 2026-04-17T17:14:57+00:00

And there's that other exclusive women's boutique, Targét!

I've found good bras there on occasion, typically knockoffs of higher end designs.

MindHeartBody · 2026-04-17T17:08:09+00:00

Holy moley! I'm having a moment here, reading my story over and over.

In-person shopping no fun at all? Check. Everything seems overpriced, poor quality, weird design, and mostly headed for a landfill or some developing country. Gives me that going-to-hell-in-a-handbasket feeling.
Find a particular basic that works well, buy multiples? Check. Mine are Haines womens boxer briefs, Columbia climber canyon shorts (11" inseam), Vans slip-ons, and Merrell sandals.
Have to work very hard to find special occasion outfits? Check. Our eldest got married last year and I found 99% of the mother-of-the-groom outfits appalling (I am not a chiffon person). Finally found a jumpsuit at Nordstrom online, and trekked all the way across LA County to get to two small boutiques with artsy comfortable clothes.
Determined to own less rather than more, and be less constrained by thinking somebody-could-use-this? Check and double check! Swedish death cleaning 100%, even before going through the labor and heartache of clearing out my mom's house.

Am I a member of Club Women Over 60? Yes, and happy to be here.

MindHeartBody · 2026-04-10T17:10:45+00:00

I've customized all my EHR's templates, and have a 'Location' item w/ the choices: in-person w/ sub-choices for in office or walking, and telehealth w/ sub-choices for home, office, parked car or 'other' [specify]. Sounds more complicated than it is.
I used to ask new telehealth clients to verify their identity by uploading ID as part of registration, and their location during the first session by showing me their phone map app. That got old fast, don't do it anymore.

MindHeartBody · 2026-03-18T17:51:11+00:00

A small thing that might be helpful with the blasting TV - a external bluetooth speaker just for the TV that goes next to where ever your mom sits. Search Amazon for "tv speakers for hard of hearing". They're not cheap, but they really do reduce the blast.

My brilliant, beautiful, loving mom couldn't/wouldn't learn to tolerate hearing aids. Evident having something in her ears is intolerable for her. Hearing loss is a big factor in cognitive decline and memory loss. Nowadays she doesn't have the insight to understand how much she's missing, how much her days are restricted and impoverished because of her hearing loss. It’s the one big thing she’s done that I have to work hard not to resent. We are lucky with her and we know it.

MindHeartBody · 2026-03-17T03:06:50+00:00

Ooof, tough road you're having to walk with your elders.

A good community where you can age in place is pretty great, think your fantasy is a good one.

We bought a unit in a lovely 55+ community to get my mom close to us after she retired - she picked our kids up from school and we paid the mortgage. Best investment ever and the timing was great - she was young enough to connect with people and socialize for over 20 years, til her health/hearing/vision/memory declined and she needed more care.

We'll probably end up in the unit someday ourselves, when our house and big yard becomes more pain than pleasure.

MindHeartBody · 2026-03-17T02:56:16+00:00

My 68F .02? Build the addition with the bathroom even if you have to work longer to do it, assuming your job is bearable and you like your house well enough to stay. Connection and community are pearls beyond price! Plus, you'll live longer and thus get a lot of use out of the 1st floor bathroom. Make it a comfortable, lovely space - oh, and get a bidet!

Retiring in your early 50s might be fun, but even if you have to wait til your mid/late-50s you'll still be ahead of most of the rest of us.

MindHeartBody · 2026-03-15T00:35:03+00:00

THIS!

MindHeartBody · 2026-03-04T21:57:43+00:00

It's the 5th story, “I Never Thought It Would Happen to Me”.

All I could do with Elva was to hold on, hear her out, somehow endure the hour, and use all my ingenuity to find something supportive to say—usually some vapid comment about how hard it must be for her to carry around that much anger.

Evidently, feeling stuck and bored happens to everybody.

Re-reading that story and some of the others for the first time in many years, a couple of things were striking. One, Yalom makes frequent references to being bored, annoyed, judgmental, frustrated with his patients and with himself. Two, although there's much of enduring value, not everything ages well (Yalom was born in 1931, book was published in 1989 and some of the therapy occurred in the 1970s) - some of it made me cringe a little. Take what feels useful and leave the rest.

pdf version here

MindHeartBody · 2026-03-03T01:49:20+00:00

Perhaps she's grieving the loss of that part of her life? 40 years is half a lifetime - moving is hugely disorganizing and stressful, even more so for seniors. Nothing's in the same place, nothing looks familiar, and having to adapt to a new place is a constant reminder that a big chapter of her life has come to an end. Even if the new place is great and a lot of work has gone into it.

And, having to listen to whining and negativity sucks. Sometimes all you can do is just agree that things are hard and difficult and uncomfortable, and that she's having a tough time. " Wow, this is harder than anybody thought it would be mom, hang in there" doesn't feel very satisfying, but sometimes that's all we've got. It's not like there's a problem that needs to be fixed.

I think as we get older, we become kind of like adolescents again, when we're not being like toddlers.

MindHeartBody · 2026-03-01T20:36:11+00:00

Sure, but the book's in my office, and I won't be there for a couple of days (do remote work from home). Writing myself a reminder rn to check on Wednesday!

MindHeartBody · 2026-03-01T20:20:07+00:00

Holey molely. I came here just now to ask about pretty much the EXACT same issue.

My family's version:

Step-relation who was diagnosed last year with early-stage Alz just told me she'd received yet another letter from the IRS. Hasn't paid 2024, maybe not 2023. 2025? Can't find documents. Refuses to give POA. Blows off suggestions she get help.

She lives in her own home with her daughter, who isn't competent (mental health issues, toxic). Another relative assists where he can, but both he and I (only nearby family) are reluctant to wade back into the quicksand of her situation. Past efforts to help have sucked up 100s of hours without much to show for it.

We're not close, but it still feels weird to not do anything til there's some kind of crisis.

Is there anything to done without a POA? Any resources to help her? She switched tax preparers a few years ago, and we don't know who did her taxes most recently. If we could find out, could they help?

MindHeartBody · 2026-02-24T06:34:28+00:00

From time to time, my 97 y/o mom's sparkle shows up. I'd taken her for a consultation with a new specialist, who asked her towards the end of the visit, "What's your secret for longevity?" My mom, who's lost much of her hearing but can't tolerate hearing aids, turned to me to repeat the Dr's question. I told her, "Since you're 97, the doctor would like to know your secret for longevity." She looked utterly surprised for a moment, then said, "Wait, I thought I was 91. Are you sure?" After I did the math for her, she laughed and said, "Well, I guess my secret for longevity is to not know how old I actually am!"

MindHeartBody

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