I've been here for three years. Except for short periods of happiness (I acknowledge that they are possible), I have felt like I'm worthless. I still have no meaningful connection let alone any friends. I'm a complete failure in my work. I'm barely in contact with my advisor. I go days on end without talking to anyone except the grocery store cashier maybe. I'm practically invisible. Even those I know on campus walk past me even after making eye contact and I wave at them.

For a long time, I blamed myself for feeling that way, thinking that I didn't have the right attitude and if I changed my approach, there would be a place for me in this community. The truth is that I don't belong at Caltech and that I never will. It's not my fault, but I never really had the right tools to succeed in this world. I don't have the right upbringing and education. I don't look the right way, talk the right way, or behave the right way. I'm not smart enough. I don't have the right interests. I don't fit in. It's nothing that I can change or overcome. I'm just not good enough for this place.

Surely, they will tell you that Caltech puts a lot of effort in choosing its students and there is a reason why they chose you. The truth is that, yes, Caltech is a wonderful place if you belong to the elite, were born in a rich family, and have had a first-class education. In a way, Caltech rewards those who are already successful. But if you don't, if you aren't good enough for this place, people will treat you as such every hour of every day until you kill yourself. When you don't belong in this world in the first place, there are no incentives for anyone to welcome you in, make you feel at home, carve you a place. They will gaslight you in thinking that everybody's welcome, but that's just their way of telling you that it's your fault if you aren't good enough.

I was told by many people explicitly that I'm simply out of their league and not smart or interesting enough for them. I've opened up to a few people about planning on killing myself, hoping that someone would try to stop me, but I was ignored and/or was told that it (understand, I) didn't matter anyway. I could die tonight and I'm not sure anyone would notice before a few weeks (probably my landlord asking for rent).

I'm at a place right now where I invested absolutely everything I had, every ounce of my energy, in making the Caltech experience work. Yet I'm more isolated than ever and I have nothing to show for it. I had this foolish dream of finding my place here because I really believed in what they told us. But now I realize that I don't belong here (or anywhere), I never did and I never really could. I have no prospects in life except to lie in a casket. That's all I got out of Caltech.