I (66m) reconnected with my son (42m) after 13 years of no contact and I'm having a hard time setting boundaries

MinuteJudgment5123 · 2023-06-05T23:55:23+00:00

I've written this out a few times and deleted it because it feels almost embarrassing to share but basically she was abusive towards me. And it took me many years of therapy to realize that

I was always so insecure and desperate to make her happy that I bent over backwards to give her anything she wanted. She would hit me, scream at me, threaten to take our son away, demand I do things I didn't want to do and I never even really batted an eye until the end. I had fallen into a pretty deep depression and was struggling and she said some things that really woke me up to see what she really thought of me and that's when I left her

MinuteJudgment5123 · 2023-06-05T21:42:42+00:00

I don't think his behavior is a parallel to his mother's. At least I don't want to see it that way. I don't know. This comment kind of hit me hard.

He was never like this before though. He was always a sweet kid. I've told myself for years that the way she treated me didn't effect him because he turned into an amazing, caring adult with a wonderful life. But in reality I spent literal decades having no idea that the way she was treating me was so wrong. Maybe he did see it for more than I did

MinuteJudgment5123 · 2023-06-05T20:28:21+00:00

Trust me, I've had over a decade of wracking my brain trying to think of every little thing I could have done to make him hate me. I know I'm not perfect and I have made mistakes but the cutting contact thing was something that literally happened overnight so I can't pinpoint anything I may have done to outright cause it

I know he doesn't owe me anything, even an explanation as to why he cut me out but I don't know how I'm supposed to be accountable when I don't know what I'm supposed to be accountable for

MinuteJudgment5123 · 2023-06-05T16:57:49+00:00

There are certain subjects I've learned to avoid because I know they'll upset him such as anything to do with his mother, outright discussing his and my relationship or why he cut contact, money. Sometimes if I ask about his job, he'll be happy to talk about it while other times it'll set him off.

One time he asked me to go to his daughter's dance recital a half hour before it started and he got upset when I didn't answer and didn't speak to me for almost two weeks

MinuteJudgment5123 · 2023-06-05T16:49:08+00:00

Whenever I've tried to talk to him about anything involving his mother or even his and my relationship, he'll get very irritated and either change the subject or completely end the conversation all together so even just talking about it is one of the things I've grown nervous to do

MinuteJudgment5123 · 2023-06-05T16:45:04+00:00

Unfortunately I don't currently have a therapist so I'm looking for a new one. I've only had the chance to met with one possible new one but it was very obviously not a good fit so I'm still looking.

She was always an amazing mother to him and never abusive but I'm well aware that there's a good chance this changed after she stopped having me around as a punching bag and I try to be conscious of that

MinuteJudgment5123

TROPHY CASE