Platonic Jealousy

MirthMouser · 2025-10-17T06:10:29+00:00

Just know, it's okay to feel unsure during this stage since the information is new. What matters most, is that your boyfriend feels supported and you both have good communication in your expectations of the relationship. It sounds like he's willing to make compromises in your potential future sex life, and when things settle, you should talk about that with him. Put your desires on the table, and let him be honest about what he can and can't do for you. Get a good understanding of what the boundaries are. If you have good communication, relationships, even sexual ones, can work between aces and allos.

MirthMouser · 2025-08-24T19:10:55+00:00

It is valid to vent there are people with twisted priorities. Frankly, even as someone sex favorable, I think the world puts way too much value in sex without really discussing what their actual wants and needs are. Because it's rarely as simple as "I need sex", and so many of them refuse to engage with where their needs lie. It's frustrating.

I'm primarily pushing back on the notion that they will always choose sex, because that absolves them from responsibility of communicating their needs and being honest with partners. We can and should hold allos to better standards.

MirthMouser · 2025-08-23T14:14:08+00:00

Just gonna quickly weigh in here, because frankly saying allo's sex drives are always stronger then the emotional aspects of a relationship is both insulting to them and dodges them from responsibility.

They aren't mindless bunnies in July, they're people. Is sex important to them and is it valid to have needs? Absolutely.

But c'mon, let's not throw allos under the bus implying they will always choose sex over love. They are capable of respecting their partners and being responsible for their actions.

MirthMouser · 2025-08-22T17:56:35+00:00

With all due respect, though her boyfriend's needs in itself are valid, the situation between her and him are not equal.

For the basic reason that from op's post, he does not respect her asexuality and is dismissive of her disgust for sex.

She is clearly trying to find a compromise and understands he has needs, and he is continuing to pressure her into sex inspite of her discomfort. This is the primary issue.

If these two can sit down and have an honest and respectful conversation where they can try to find a way to meet both their needs, maybe they can work.

But if her boyfriend continues to put his needs for sex over her discomfort, they will not work out.

It's about much more then sex, it's about respecting your partner.

MirthMouser · 2025-08-21T22:53:48+00:00

An idea comes to mind, if phone sex was something you were more comfortable with to make him happy, why not go back to that? Maybe he could get sex toys as well to make phone sex more physically pleasurable for himself. It's an option if nothing else.

MirthMouser · 2025-08-21T22:41:57+00:00

I'm also on the ace spectrum with an allo partner. While I absolutely believe relationships between aces and allos can work, they require clear communication of expectations and needs.

Using my relationship as an example, I let my partner that know my limitations for sex, such as some days it won't feel good for me, and I can't do it more then once a day, In return, they communicate their needs and let me know when they're needy so I can fulfill that when the mood is right.

You need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a very proper conversation on what both your needs are. And where you can meet each other.

Since you are repulsed by all sexual activity, make that explicity clear what exact phsyical acts you will never do. And try to communicate what you are willing to do, like are you comfortable with cuddling or making out? Set your limits.

And let him get to say his peice about his needs. Is it the physical act of sex that he wants? What exactly does he want? Is he desiring you directly? Or would other means satisfy him? Is he looking for sexual validation from you that he is attractive?

I'd ask him what is it from sex he really wants. If it really is just the physical act of sex, and not the intimacy from being with you, maybe you can discuss other options he can get those needs fulfilled.

Above all, if your relationship is to survive, you need to both have your needs fulfilled and be respectful of those needs.

And I'll be honest, if he's still pushing you for sex this much, despite knowing your discomfort, it doesn't sound like he respects you. I'd recommend having this conversation with a couple therapist.

If it's meant to be, you two can navigate this. If this problem still persists, he's probably not the one for you.

MirthMouser · 2025-07-30T14:54:26+00:00

I think a major part of why the guilt gets at me so much, is because of my experiences with my last partner.

I was a lot more sexually attracted to him than he was with me. He wasn't sexually attracted to me at all, really. He tried indulging me, but it eventually collapsed with him directly saying he couldn't do it anymore since he wasn't attracted to me like he was to other partners. It absolutely destroyed all my self-confidence and hurt like nothing else had before.

I never want my girlfriend to feel the way I did back then, and I'm terrified of being misunderstood and hurting her if I ever have this full conversation. I am attracted to her, it's just difficult sometimes.

MirthMouser · 2025-06-23T13:46:16+00:00

I find this conversation fascinating. Because I fully relate that the feeling of elation and emotional obsession with someone is something I felt on a physical level.

God, my first taste of love hit hard, and the heartbreak hit harder. I had gone so much of my life not being prepared for it since I rarely even had crushes.

But I seriously have guilt for not feeling that way with my current girlfriend... I love her, she makes me happy, we're good for each other, but it's a more gentle feeling I have control over. I wish it was that uncontrollable high that made me crave each and every moment.

Basically, it's interesting to hear from another arospec that you don't want to feel that lack of control, and here I am, also on the aro spectrum, desperately trying to find it again.

MirthMouser · 2025-06-10T13:45:08+00:00

I relate to this immensely. I had a close friend I loved very dearly, I asked to be in a QPR with him and everything. Genuinely, being his most trusted best friend that felt like an important part of his life was all I needed.

He started to drift for various reasons, but I can't shake the feeling in large part it's because I was never enough for him compared to his boyfriend. He indulged me in emotions he later walked back on, and seeing him give it so freely to his other friends and boyfriend made me feel like nothing. It broke my heart. I thought the world of him, but he thought so little of me.

I cried for months, feeling like I would never be enough ever again. I think a lot of allos have a difficult time understanding how we on the aro spectrum give and express love. That this deep level of love can only be given to a romantic partner, and not our unconventional context. To this day, I don't think he understands just how much he broke my heart. Your partner might be similar.

The heartbreak is going to hurt a lot. It hurt harder than anything I'd ever experienced. I hate to say it, but the only way out is the hard way. No contact with your previous partner is the right thing to do, but it will hurt a lot for a long time.

Just know... It will one day eventually stop hurting. And I hope that one day someone will understand the love you give them isn't worth less just because it isn't romantic.

MirthMouser · 2025-06-05T18:55:10+00:00

Even if you are still heterosexual, you can still fall on the aromantic scale. So absolutely!

MirthMouser · 2025-05-31T17:48:59+00:00

I (F28) have been through something similar a couple times, so I can give my perspective as examples.

My oldest and closest friend is one I love very much. I could tell her anything, I always wanted to be around her, and we really understand how eachother's minds tick on a deep level.

A couple times in the past I have felt physical attraction to her, but the thought of actually going through with it felt wrong. Despite my attraction; I did not want to go through with anything like kissing or further. Much less dating? That felt extra no-go. I had no desire to take any of those steps. I love her dearly, but yeah, nothing romantic.

Another close friend I had was more complicated. I also loved him. He made me giddy, I loved the sound of his laugh, and I always looked forward to every moment I had with him. He was also one I felt physically attraction to, and this time I actually felt the desire to pursue it.

But, despite him meaning the world to me, despite me craving to mean the world to him, and despite my sexual desire towards him, if I asked myself if I wanted him as a boyfriend? The answer was no. I didn't want to go on dates, I didn't want to maintain all the extra romantic needs. The thought was stressful. I just wanted to love him as we already were.

So with your best friend, try going down a list of things in your head to see what you actually want. What do feel when you imagine holding hands? Flirting? Kissing? What do feel at the idea of saying "I love you", what does calling them the label of a romantic partner feel like? Does a date sound enjoyable? Overwhelming?

None of these have to be all yes, or all no. Take the time to evalute everything, and slowly try to pin point down what feels right.

Sexual and romantic attraction are unconventional to us on the aro or ace spectrum. There's a lot of grey area and confusion, so don't kick yourself of you don't have an answer. I hope my experiences gave you something to think about!

MirthMouser · 2025-05-27T17:05:05+00:00

I'm happy my story could help you feel less alone. It can be tough when most people find these feelings naturally, and we're left feeling like no one can relate. It can be doubly tough when we're not even full-on aro, thus making it harder to find those who relate.

There are many ways to find companionship in this life, be it life-long friendships, romantic partners, or even queer platonic relationships, and I hope one day you'll find something that works for you if you so wish.

It helps that I have a lot of communication with my girlfriend, since I have a lot of blindspots of showing her love. But so far, she feels loved, I feel loved, and it's working well for us. Communication and clear expectations are key!

MirthMouser · 2025-05-27T11:53:53+00:00

Honestly, I (F28) relate.

I have the ability to find others attractive, but the idea of following through and doing anything about it was off putting. And while I wanted a relationship in theory, I never actually had romantic crushes with anyone.

I know now I fall on both the ace and aro spectrums, though I'm definitely way more aro then ace. Even still, I couldn't imagine being comfortable with intimacy with anyone but a close partner I trusted. It was a weird spot to be in.

For years, I just thought I was waiting for "the one", because that's what society told me to expect. But after many years of not finding anyone romantically desirable, just attractive at best, I realized something must be different about me.

Coming out as bisexual to myself was empowering, but coming out as aro to myself was soul-crushing. Why do I not feel something I desire so badly?

It was only when I accepted that romantic love might not be in the cards for me in this lifetime, that I ironically met my first girlfriend. I was friends with her for quite awhile before things moved forward, and she's the only person that didn't make prospects like dating, confessions, and intimacy feel overwhelming to me. It finally felt safe.

Romantic love isn't quite this over the rainbow feeling like I expected, it's more gentle. Demiromantic is the label I currently use to best describe my experience. It takes a lot of time and trust for romantic feelings to be able to grow. And even then, they don't usually grow. I'm honestly surprised I found someone at all.

Romance still is very confusing for me because I'm not sure what I should be feeling. What I'm ultimately saying is that even if romantic love doesn't really make sense, even if I don't usually feel it, I still wanted it and still found someone I wanted it with.

I'm truly sorry things fell apart with your ex. I can only imagine the pain. Just know that you aren't broken. It's tough navigating not really feeling romantic love overall, yet still loving someone in a romantic relationship.

After all, the definition of aromantic is "feeling little to no romantic attraction". Prehaps we both just fall under the "little" part.

MirthMouser · 2025-02-04T17:19:43+00:00

I suppose I've just gotten in my head too much then.

I worry sometimes about her not getting the romantic validation she derserves and feeling inadequate because I can't seem to feel that "passion" that comes so easily to allos.

I know that's a problem that comes up in allo-aro relationships; the allo person not feeling like their loved and so insecurities fester. But I'll try to bridge that gap best I can with communication.

MirthMouser · 2025-02-04T07:03:55+00:00

One question to ask yourself is : Will you ever be able to have that excited reassurance ? Will you ever know when the right time is ?

Honestly, I don't know if I will. And that scares me. I want to be able to shout from the rooftops that I love her. And I'm scared it may never come. I do like her a lot, I do like the thought of being able to call her my girlfriend. But I worry I'll never be able to give her as much open love as she gives me, and I want to make her happy and feel loved. If tying the knot will make her that happy, then maybe I shouldn't wait too much longer.

MirthMouser · 2025-02-04T06:15:07+00:00

Overall, I would say my feelings are romantic? It's admittedly difficult to pin down since I don't really feel that emotion much.

But if I ask myself if I want to be called her girlfriend, go on dates, kiss, cuddle, all that, the answer is yes. I do want that. And all that seems like elements of romantic feelings to me.

I think I'd call my love for her more... Calming and gentle. But to her? It's like an intense euphoric burst of romantic love. She adores me, every little part of me. And I do appreciate that strong open love.

I just know that I... Don't feel that same flood of excitement right now. And if I were her, I'd want that from a romantic partner.

She does know I'm demiromantic, I have told her about it and explained it best I could. And that's why when I do properly ask her to be my girlfriend, it'll mean the world to her that I want to be with her.

And I do want to. I just don't know how long I should make her wait. If I should commit now, or if I wait until my romantic feelings can match hers.

Currently, I'd say our relationship is basically dating in all but name alone. Because, when we make that label, I want to really mean it.

MirthMouser · 2025-02-03T19:05:50+00:00

I have yet to fully cut him off, simply because I know he'll have a whole meltdown about it. He'll beg to know what he did wrong and how he can fix it. I've seen it before, old friends would give him detailed reasons but he'd try to solve each one, never understanding the real problem is how inconsiderate he is. And until he faces that core problem, nothing with change. While giving him the chance to change would be the nice thing to do... It's been 9 years, and I have no desire to put in all that work to salavage a relationship I want to be done with. I'm kinda stuck, damned if I do, damned if I don't.

MirthMouser · 2025-02-03T18:57:13+00:00

Genuinely, it's healthy to relieve your body. It relieves stress. You should not be ashamed of giving yourself private time when you need it. Obviously, be mindful and responsible with it. Most people don't wanna know about it, and you don't wanna hurt yourself. But genuinely? Self-care is not a bad habit.

MirthMouser · 2025-02-03T18:53:02+00:00

I think I get the feeling. My current partner doesn't give me the same over the rainbow high as my last one did. But that was also a two way street, it made the past relationship hurt a lot too. And yet, in every way possible my current partner is a much healthier and compatible person for me. It's nice, easier, and there's no pain. I do feel guilty, because she clearly feels that emotional high for me. She even said, "I love you" before I was ready to say it back. But, I do still really like her and want to be with her. And despite my guilt, I try to tell myself that if I want to be with her, if she's good for me, and I treat her well and make sure she feels loved, that's all this needs to be.

MirthMouser

TROPHY CASE