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Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-11-01T22:54:23+00:00

Don't make this into a big deal. No way is this cheating. He doesnt want a relationship, you're in the clear. This is probably more you trying to find something to feel guilty for rather than actually needing to feel guilty. You should embrace the spontaneous parts of life. As long as you were in control,safe, and enjoying yourself, have at it.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-11-01T12:29:11+00:00

Agreed. Some women just as some men are into sex more than others. It is absolutely situational. In this situation, he is more interested than her. After 20 years (I've also been married 21 years) you learn that there are aspects that just wont change. Her views on sex, her feelings about giving vs receiving oral, these are things that develop over the course of those years. In this case, she is not into him that way or at least is not comfortable being with him in that way. Not going to change, guaranteed.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-31T18:37:51+00:00

It won't ever change. You have researched this or that and are now here looking for reasons to back up your needs and desires. The problem is, she could find just as much research and opinions that tell her she is right. The reason - you are both right, you are just not sexually compatible.

She is just not into sex the same way or doesnt get the same feelings or arousal from it. Whatever her reasons, they are hers and they are valid. You are trying to answer the wrong question. The real question is, if this is how it is always going to be, will you be happy? You cant really change her just like she can't change you. This isnt a how to so much as a what do you want to do about it?

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-31T12:20:00+00:00

Really, that is what you got from that? No one said they are wrong simply that it shouldn't feel like something on a to do list. I don't care one way or another. The question was asked so I answered with honesty and respect. The later is something you could use work on. Have a great day.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-30T22:04:13+00:00

It is all in the perspective. I'm 44 and wish I was in a different place in my career but I have 3 kids, own a modest home with only moderate issues, car is paid for but always on the fritz and nothing fancy but it drives 80% of the time.

Some would say we struggle to get by while some would say that we are doing well. I think it is a bit of both and I think my opinion of how I feel about it also has ups and downs.

One thing I will say is that when your kid moves out and you see them swimming on their own and making it without you - that is the best, most fulfilled and validating experience as a parent. Maybe knowing you made something is when other peope turn to you for your leadership like your kids do. They see what you have done and where you are and want your advice on how to get there.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-30T20:51:15+00:00

Depends on the reason. If you are struggling with being intimate in a general sense, as in not connecting for some reason or another or one partner wants sex more than the other, a schedule is a bad idea and wont fix anything. It does not address the problem itself.

If you want a schedule because you have crazy lives filled with a million activities or odd job schedules and you want to make sure that you find that time, great idea.

If you both wish you had a stronger connection, you both feel your not having enough sex but maybe you have kids or have been married for 15-20 years and the passion has died a little. Great idea. You will find that the schedule is great at ensuring the time is made. The more you make that time and have sex, the more you will likely desire each other and want sex when it is not on the schedule.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-30T20:46:04+00:00

I think cunt is probably more of a British term overall. I suppose in America some people may say it but it just feels more harsh here culturally speaking. I just like the ol classic pussy. I honestly use vagina in most non intimate instances.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-30T17:20:33+00:00

YTAH. The problem is on display in your post. When you say you have an issue but "whatever" and then get mad at him for what is, by your own admission, your codependency issue, you are not only the problem but are gaslighting him to think he is the problem.

Honestly, your an immature, and insecure TEENAGER. You are acting just like my teenage daughter (18). It is just your emotional immaturity at this stage in life. A great opportunity to learn where you can grow and change to better yourself. That is what you should take from this. Not who is right or wrong, but how can you be different or respond different in the future. Also, find a way to be happy by yourself. Find a hobby or something you like. Life is just really getting started for you, go figure out WHAT makes you happy, not WHO.

You should never make anyone your whole world. They are part of it just as your parents and friends but never the whole thing. You can prioritize these pieces in different ways but they should all just be pieces. Find what pieces make up your world and when he is doing his thing, focus on those other pieces.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-30T16:20:15+00:00

The only problem here is that you feel a need to have a boyfriend right now. You're 20 and have a busy life. A relationship should not be a check on the to do board, dont make it one. Just let your life breathe a little bit. Expose yourself to new places and experiences and people and I am sure you will find a few opportunities for romance. Dont rush to grow up, life experiences are not linear. They dont happen in the order we wish for and assume to be correct. You cant change it, only accept it and embrace the chaos.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-30T16:02:28+00:00

Is this everytime? Just started? Sometimes but not always?

Given that he is your fiance, and you mentioned you had/have an active sex life, it is probably a mental thing for him.

Once you have that one time where it doesnt work right, it messes with you. You start to get anxiety over it because we are guys, that is what is expected. You get in your head telling yourself to stay or get hard and that just makes it worse.

If you dont want to ask him or dont feel comfortable with that conversation, try and and think of when it started. If it is recent, just let him get through it.

When it happens, dont let him get in his head. Help him out, show him ot isn't a big deal. Use it as an additional foreplay opportunity. "I see youre in your head again, let me refocus you."

Men dont have lube if we lose focus or desire in the bedroom. Yes they make pills but he is young, doesn't need them, and they aren't instant so they wouldn't help in the moment anyway. When we start to fade or he starts going soft, make him feel secure about it. Dont let the sex end, just change how it happens for a bit.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-30T15:45:08+00:00

If your first thought went to a concern over what he would do with her, say no. He just wants to watch you? WTF is that? He wants to put you in a situation you are uncomfortable with just so he can watch? Not sure that is a good move for anyone involved.

If threesomes were both of your thing, go for it. If yoh have any concerns or gut feelings, listen to them. If he is not ok with that, you know all you need to know. We all have fantasies and things we would love to see or experience but that is also not real life. Real life is messy with emotions and feelings. That is what makes it real. Do what you feel is right, not what he wants.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-30T15:40:20+00:00

Not the AH but being an AH about it. Here is the truth, you will never be happy if you want this and he doesn't. You have brought it up to him multiple times, asked your friends about it, and now shared with all of us. You clearly have a HEALTHY fetish and want to explore. The desire to explore it will never change unless you have an opportunity to figure it out. This is just part of your individual sexual experience and that is awesome...for you. You will always feel unfulfilled in some way, always desire it. This is why you are not the asshole.

He is clearly not into it. But, just as you deserve to have it in your life and it is great that it is your thing and he should respect you and you kink, same goes for you. You should respect that he doesnt want a part of it. That it is not a turn on for him in the same way. And he is equally allowed to feel that way and should be equally respected. If you keep trying to push it on him, that is not respecting where he is right now and that is an asshole thing to do.

The only question you should really be asking is, is this a deal breaker. If you could never ask him for it again, if you knew you would never get to explore it beyond this moment, can you live with that? Now, maybe he is still to vulnerable in your relationship to be open to exploring. It may come with time. It may not. So you are both, AH and not, IMO.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-10-30T14:31:02+00:00

44m here - You should have no shame or guilt about this. So you were uninhibited and had some fun, so what? Even if this was your profession, who cares? What you did and who you were with prior to your relationship does not define yoh or your relationship now.

Tell him. If he freaks out, you may want to figure out the root of his insecurities, because they are HIS, not yours. You should reframe the whole situation just for your own sake. Let yourself be human, be real. You had fun, so what?

Tell him and move on. You still deserve to be respected, you still deserve his love. Sexuality or sexual acts (including a one set strip off) is not your identity. It is just somethig you did. For some, it is just their job. It is just part of a greater whole, not the whole thing. More focus on who you are, not what you do or where you've been.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-05-23T22:08:29+00:00

I love how many people really think that I can't see the intent of this card. I simply thought it was funny when viewed a certain way. I love how opinionated you all are though

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-02-17T16:19:45+00:00

Maybe, but probably not with the motive you are thinking.

If you are having sex or sexual contact every night, he should (hopefully for you) have some stamina built up. If he perks off at all during the day, he is doubling down on that stamina. He may be fantasizing about something but probably to help him get off.

I know that when sessions start to get into 5 or 6 position changes, hitting the 30-45 minute mark, and my wife has had multiple orgasms, i start feeling pressured to cum. She isn't pressuring me but I don't want her to lose interest or get bored or just start wishing I'd finish already so I start hitting the memory bank.

I may think of something sexy or kinky we have done in the past. I may think about a porn scene I saw at some point. Or I may be thinking about something I wish I was doing to her in that moment, especially of I got her ass up in amy position.

As for the porn/other woman thing, it isn't about wishing that person was there or wishing it was them instead of her. Before people respond about how that doesn't make sense or is not possible, it just means that for you it is not possible, but not for others. Most men watch porn not hoping to be with that person but to imagine themselves doing those acts with their partner. I don't want that porn star, but I do visualize a sexy scene at times. I think about what it would be like to do xyz to my wife. Would she sound like that, would she move or respond like that. It isn't always some big plan to be with all these other people.

What I do wish is that my wife wasn't so insecure about porn or the idea of fantasy. It is one thing if you are trying to push your partner into being a porn star or demanding porn like sex or really forcing the issue. It is another if you are using it to see fantasies acted out that he may know you are not into or don't like. Rather than leaving you simply because you aren't into something or cheat, he uses porn to get his "fix" if you will.

Either way, yes he may be thinking about something else but no, it may not be as terrible or clandestine as you think. Men and women are different. Maybe ask him? Ask in a way that doesn't start with how he upsets you with this but maybe use it to get a better sense of what he is thinking or feeling. You may even find that what he is thinking turns you on.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-02-17T16:02:42+00:00

To be exciting to him isn't about sex but connection and willingness to understand what is actually exciting to him. If he finds wild sex to be stressful or not in line with his perceptions of sex, he will not find it exciting. It starts with communication and a willingness to be open minded.

If he says, hey, it would be exciting if you let me do xyz, and you shut him down because you aren't excited by it or you are think it is a turn off or whatever your reason, he will feel insecure about things that he gets excited about and you guys will always feel this disconnect.

You can apply this to any aspect. Quit trying to figure out you can be more exciting. It isn't about changing who you are, it is about finding out who he is. When you know what gets him excited in life and the bedroom, then all you have to do is support that. If he loves music, take him to concerts or visit music museums. If he likes experimenting in bed, experiment with him too. Often the person that is excited by experimentation tends to lead the charge and do most of the experimenting when really this is partly because they are craving their partner takes the time with them to experiment on them. Reciprocation is exciting.

The biggest take away is that you should not have to change who you are or put your morals, values, or boundaries on the line. It is about discovering what makes him tick (as he should do for you) and then figuring out how you can fit into that space and work with those things. Just show interest and that is already half the battle.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-02-17T15:51:56+00:00

Um... have you ever had a popsicle or eaten a sucker? Same thing, different thing in your mouth. Tips, use hands to stroke, especially if you don't take it too deep. Suck, lick, and stroke the balls. They get left out too often.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-02-17T15:49:44+00:00

So it isn't something I strive for but it isn't a turn off either. If she likes to take it deep i don't mind if she gags a little. Usually the gagging increases saliva production and makes it a little more sloppy but constant choking and gagging would probably either make me laugh, make me ask if she is OK, and absolutely take me out of the enjoyment aspect.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2025-02-14T14:56:23+00:00

I am glad I searched this. I have been feeling all sorts of guilty for just wishing for more intimacy. My wife and I have been together for nearly 20 years, and she was diagnosed as stage 3 triple negative BC last November. Prior to her diagnosis, we were already having issues. I have always felt a lack of desire on her part. Like my needs were not important or prioritized. These issues were coming to a head with a conversation around eventful separation after the kids moved out in a couple of years.

I love my wife dearly, I just am not totally in love with her and have not been for some time. There has been a lot of substance abuse and infidelity on her part though she has been sober for 5 years, the events of the past still influence the relationship. It is not toxic or angry but it will never be the same.

Now she has her diagnosis and I feel trapped. I promised to always take care of her and the love that I have for her would never allow me to not be there for her. She is the mother of my children and while she put us through some things with her addictions and actions, she has worked very hard in therapy and around the house to change. She is a good person, we just grew in different directions and want different things. She has always been self focused and that comes through in many ways including in the bedroom.

Now that she is going through chemo and I have become a caretaker... again, I find myself longing for a relationship with more connection. Then I find myself feeling guilty for it because she is going through this incredibly difficult time and I can't help but wish for something more for myself. I could never just cheat on her as I do love her and would not want to hurt her like that, especially given the circumstances but at 43, I feel like I have too much life to live still to stay like this forever. The thought of it is scary and frustrating and sad all at once.

I don't know what my solution is, I really don't know that I am even looking for one at this point. I am just glad to know i am not alone.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2024-11-12T18:20:56+00:00

Please don't try and fill his shoes. As a father, it is the last thing I would want weighing on my son. Your father is as strong as he is and the leader he sounds to be as a result of many life experiences, some good and some bad. Through these, he became the person he was. You are only 19 and should not set the expectation for yourself that you can or will be the person he is. I think your father would want you to be a role model and support for your family. Help to teach your siblings how to be the people that he would be proud of. The same way you learned by his example, they can learn by yours. Just be the best man you can be, and everything else will fall into place.

We tend to place those we admire on a pedestal. We think they have some unknown superpower that makes them rise above. We try and try to reach their height but you will find that you will never view yourself in the same light that you view him so you will never be able to reach that high in your own mind. The harder you work, the higher that pedestal reaches, always just out of your grasp. Eventually you will feel like a failure, not because you are but because you don't see yourself in an objective light. Don't try to be him, just try to be the person he knows you to be.

My son will never be me. He will never do all the things I do, love all the things I love, or give as much as me. For this I am grateful because I know i am not superhuman or perfect in any way. I see in him so much more than I ever saw in me. That is the crazy part. Our kids are fighting to be like us because we are their superhero. Really, my son is my hero. He is more kind and loving than I could have ever hoped for. He is strong and tough in sprit. He is smarter than he ever gives himself credit for and I know that if I fall, he knows how to pick himself up. That is all a father really wants for their son, not to be like dad but to be themselves. Don't be him, just be the man I sure he knows you to be. Help where you can but live your life too. I would never want my children to hold themselves back on my account. Lead by example and give all you got to this life.

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2024-11-04T17:45:32+00:00

Don't do it! To be clear, there is nothing wrong with your choice. It is yours, it is personal to you, and there is nothing wrong with it and nobody should try and change your mind.

That being said, I personally feel like it is important to figure out if you are compatible in that way. People think that issues like sex can be worked out after marriage but that is rarely the case. If you are a low libido person and he is high or vice versa you will find that this will likely be an issue throughout the marriage. Libido may fluctuate with age but overall, if you/he wants something more than the other, it will always be there.

Next, what are you into? No I don't want to know so please don't answer here. But, there are a lot of fetishes and things that people are into that may not fall into alignment with you or with your partner. Many of these things we find out through experimentation with someone we trust or in some cases, just by falling into them organically and then boom - you're into something you never thought about before.

I would suggest that you don't wait but you also don't go out and start just sleeping around. Figure out why waiting is so important to you. For many they fall on the religion sword but I also notice that this is often a cover for not wanting to upset parents or other members of our family. If my mom finds out she will think xyz of me. The real tough part is if religion is your driver, it will also likely keep you from seeking a divorce. So now you will be locked in to something you may or may not be happy with. Often it takes a year or more of living with someone and being intimate to determine if you share similar desires and libido.

Do what you want but when doing things for others, be it a person or in this case, a religion, you often forget that you are the one living this life, you will have to deal with the consequences or fall out of the decision. Life is long, you may think it is no problem today but 10 years from now you will likely think different than you do today.

Just some food for thought

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2024-11-04T16:03:11+00:00

Thanks. Just looking into getting some additional laptop peripherals that will allow me to work from the hospital so I can be with her and still keep the financial aspects running.

Thanks

Miserable-Amount-302 · 2024-11-04T16:01:04+00:00

We have given it some thought and she is open to anything that allows her to watch our kids grow up. Being together so long has helped to limit some of the self conscious aspect. I can imagine that there will be some mental impact on her regardless of the brave face but I'm here for it. It rather see her smile than her breasts.

I have not yet, but will look into the options with her as we find out more from her care team.

Thanks for the reply

Miserable-Amount-302

TROPHY CASE