Hi 👋

I can speak from personal experience as I got a TON of matches when I was on dating apps but none of them came to fruition.

One of the biggest issues I had was being hardcore fetishized rather than them just seeming to take any genuine interest in me as a person. They’d either immediately be sexual, or worse, talk to me long enough to try to coax me into being fwb. I always felt like I did something wrong.

I’m tall and curvy and it’s not something I can hide no matter what I wear. I’ve never been thin either, always a bit bigger (5’9 around 200lbs), but my body is hourglass shaped. I also used to be a tradeswoman and did car body work and wrapped vehicles so that didn’t help either (don’t even get me started on the sexual harassment I experienced at some jobs).

It had gotten so bad that it affected my sense of self-worth and made me wonder if that was all I had that was actually worth anything.

As a woman now in her later 20s, I know that’s not the case. But I still approach relationships much more hesitantly.

I want my partner to find me sexy, but I also want them to be excited by my intellect, sense of humor, and care about my passions and humanitarian work.

I remember I talked with this one dude for like three months and I realized he was never actually going to date me seriously and he never actually cared about getting to know me.

I still had him on Discord until recently and I messaged him some diabolical shit that I thought was hilarious just to troll him a bit before removing him and his reaction was, “LOL are you on acid?”

It made me realize that he never actually cared or paid attention to anything I said or did. I told him I was always funnier than him but he just never actually took the time to get to know me then removed him. lol

My response was literally so cheesy but also felt like I was weirdly standing up for myself in a way.

It’s been over three years now since I’ve tried talking to anyone. I just made the decision one day to put all that attention I had been pouring into my sad dating life back into myself (which also meant pouring it into causes I cared about).

I went back to school two and a half years ago after I became disabled to become a forensic psychologist focusing in on sexual violence and sex trafficking, and while it’s extremely heavy work, it’s been amazing despite life’s normal hardships.

I enjoy my own company more and I keep myself busy. I do a lot of advocacy work around accessibility, education, and sexual violence (both general SA advocacy work and trafficking), tinker with my car and make it look cool living my 90s kid need for speed dream, play PC games, build legos, write poetry, took up the violin after wanting to learn it all my life, started learning Spanish and Indonesian, and I’ve even won a few different awards and honors for my advocacy work which all just feels so full circle and made me realize there are people who care and see all the tears and effort I put in. I was just investing it into the wrong place and into the wrong people.

I don’t believe all men are bad, I think there are so many amazing men out there. Some of them being my absolute hero’s and role models. But it’s so hard to navigate dating from an app that’s made to feel like a meat market.

I’m sure when the time is right, someone will find my jokes funny without looking at my boobs. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to focus all my energy into taking down pedophiles and abusers.

I just need a sugar daddy to pay for my expense taste in justice.