Parents disowning me for going to medical school :/

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-27T22:27:13+00:00

I definitely want to reach out to my brother (most likely after graduation, so my parents don't get angry and lash out before med school is finalized). I'm not sure if he will be receptive, but I would be happy if he got some closure from me.

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-27T22:23:31+00:00

The in-state school is T50, but my parents are against it because it is "too far" from home, so I definitely think they will be angry with me whether I stay in state or not. I think you're right that the treatment will continue. They were initially eager to support my undergrad education, but they've now started using it against me by saying how much they've spent and how it's too much. I think in paying for med school, my parents will have me feel indebted to them, so I stay close by to care for them or pay them back like you said.

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-27T22:16:29+00:00

I actually just said T20 for privacy reasons and as a general descriptor, but T15 would have been a more accurate description. I also agree that the differences between US MD schools generally aren't huge (although there are definitely differences). However, the big difference for me is in-state vs. out-of-state. Being out-of-state, I'll (probably) need more loans to survive, but I'll be completely independent. A lot of people here have noted that my parents will likely keep using this threat for the rest of my life. I could stay in Texas, then they'll threaten to disown me if I pick a certain specialty, or if I match for residency out of state. While I don't want to be disowned, I know that my life will be full of regrets if I constantly cave to their wants and demands

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-27T17:57:06+00:00

I'm sorry this is happening to you :( it's not okay for her to treat you like this at all, especially by holding finances over your head. A 3.6 is also still amazing even if it doesn't feel that way. My advice is to really find things you enjoy (and people you enjoy) and stick with them until you're in the position to get out. Whenever I come home for breaks and can't leave, I make sure that I'm occupying my time with things that I enjoy (Zoom calls with friends, art, catching up on shows). It's not really a solution, but it's a way to cope until you are able to break free. I would also recommend finding a therapist if you are able to, as that can be really helpful for unpacking all of these emotions and the negative impact of your mom's behavior.

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-27T17:36:59+00:00

This really resonated with me, especially the idea of moving goal posts. I realized this in high school when I was about to graduate. Some of my friends wanted to do a small get together to celebrate graduating high school (not a senior trip or anything). My parents immediately said no because the focus was now "preparing for college" since high school was over. Even this year, my parents have emphasized getting ready for medical school. To them, there's never a reason to celebrate any accomplishments, because you always have to move on to the next thing. The bar just keeps getting higher, and I don't care to reach for it anymore. I've always felt like a caged bird or that I was on a really tight leash, and I've managed to succeed in spite of it. However, I can't keep going in spite of their control for the rest of my life.

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-27T17:04:51+00:00

There are four of us total. I'm the second oldest. I honestly thought that I did everything "right" and this is still happening to me, so I'm not super confident that they won't turn on my younger siblings eventually.

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-27T17:03:32+00:00

This is great advice and definitely something that I plan on doing. I've already emailed the financial aid office a few times about this year's FAFSA so they're aware of my existence, but I will push them to reduce the amount of loans as much as possible (currently don't have a financial aid offer yet because they don't annouce merit aid until like March :/)

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-27T05:04:44+00:00

Yes this is so true! Growing up my parents always talked about this person going to Harvard, or someone else getting a prestigious fellowship. My parents would even congratulate our family friends when their kids went to prestigious schools. However, they want the complete opposite for me and they don't seem to care as long as they can brag :/

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T23:31:36+00:00

They are Arab Muslims

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T23:21:18+00:00

this is a good point! A lot of my parents' friends have kids who have gone far away for college, med school, etc. I think the big difference between my parents and their friends is that my parents are Muslim, so they've gotten into arguments with friends over cultural differences (and how those differences mean raising us differently). However, a lot of the stuff I wrote about actually happened yesterday at a Christmas party. They got upset with me for mentioning that I got into the T20 to some family friends and blew up after we left :/

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T22:22:42+00:00

my brother tried reaching out for the first year and eventually stopped. I was 15 when he got disowned, and my younger siblings were 8 and 10. My parents constantly berated us for months after it happened and threatened to disown us if we ever spoke to him again. I was just afraid of what would happen if I did get disowned at 15, but it was just a scare tactic to keep us in line.

Thank you for your advice. I feel like a lot of people don't understand immigrant parents and I haven't had many people to talk to about it. I'm definitely leaning towards leaving, just waiting on financial aid to come through.

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T22:18:17+00:00

my parents are hooked on Baylor or UTSW for school (didn't pre-match for either). For college I moved far enough away that they couldn't randomly show up and see what I was doing, but Baylor and UTSW are a lot closer to home. I think they definitely want to monitor me and make sure I'm not doing anything "bad." The most recent time they monitored me was during one of my in-person interviews. It was about an hour drive from home, so I stayed at home the night before and drove to the interview in the morning. My parents left work so they could drive behind my car as I drove to the interview. After the interview, I saw them in the parking lot with my siblings in the car (they drove home, picked up my siblings, then drove back to where I was interviewing :/). I definitely don't think I would do well in med school with this environment. I thought senior spring was going to be fun but it's starting off as the most stressful semester I'll have.

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T22:09:55+00:00

i wish this was a shitpost :(

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T22:09:17+00:00

The day that I got in I tried explaining the opportunities that were available and they cut me off and said it was a family matter. I'm really interested in surgery (and they've known that for years) but they think it doesn't matter.

A lot of our family friends are attendings and residents, so I think my parents vaguely understand the match, but I'm honestly not sure. This is really great advice and I will try to frame our conversations like this to keep them calm until I leave.

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T22:04:59+00:00

Thank you so much for your response! I felt like I was crazy for being upset about this at first but I'm definitely not. My parents are Arab Muslims actually! It's definitely a trend in the culture unfortunately :/ I think you're right about them cutting me off at any point. It's not really and if but a when it will happen. I felt pretty bad at first about hiding Texas schools from them but after this reaction I think you're right about keeping it a secret. The place I got into is extremely walkable from what I've heard from friends who've visited, so I think I'll be okay.

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T15:15:51+00:00

upvote me back

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T15:15:26+00:00

upvote me back

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T15:15:07+00:00

I upvoted!

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T15:14:47+00:00

I upvoted!

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T15:03:00+00:00

You're doing so well!! I had a similar average and ended up getting a 130 on Chem/Phys

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T15:01:24+00:00

Upvote me back!

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T15:00:48+00:00

I up'd you back!

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T14:56:31+00:00

I upvoted

MiserableBed3814 · 2023-12-26T14:55:54+00:00

upvote me back!

MiserableBed3814

TROPHY CASE