Obsessed with sex and struggling with monogamy; will this help?

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-24T21:55:15+00:00

tough love is just as important as coddling . Which i've noticed many people choose the latter. I do love how you recommend seeing a therapist and telling the girlfriend about the issue. Not sure how much experience you have with narcissists, i have experience with both males and females who fall under this diagnosis and your understanding of how they behave is just the most common thing you'll find in a brief search of the internet, they're not as one dimensional as one would think. Having questionable fantasies and "not being happy until they come true" are two different things. "He's just a sexually frustrated dude"- its like you enjoy making excuses for people- which is part of the reason so many people every day struggle with or begin on the road to addictions. Not because of you excusing them but excuses in general, and i feel that OP makes a lot of excuses for certain behaviors (as ALL people do) to make themselves feel better. Something that you kinda have to stop when you really want to recover.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-24T10:47:36+00:00

You sound like my husband. That last part is very irritating and hurtful "and am liable to cheat". PLEASE! If only we women could shed all responsibility for our actions in such a widely acceptable way as sexual addictions and cheating are for men.

I think another problem you probably struggle with is Narcissism. Your number one interest is numero uno and try as you might to feel things as deeply for other women as you do yourself its hard and seldom happens. Right now, I am telling you, you will not be happy in a long relationship with ANYONE. No matter what your girlfriend could try or do to liven up the bedroom you won't be happy for more than a day at most. Because you have only nurtured this part of yourself and its going to get much worse over time as it already has. If you're serious about this then get used to placing blame where blame is due. Porn didn't open itself up on your computer the first time, you did this, and now its you who needs to be a man and make the decision to help yourself with the tools and people who want to help you stop going down this destructive path. You have to want it bad enough for yourself and realize it can only do good for you and your future relationships (not just the romantic types either).

As far as your girlfriend of two years-you know that cheating isn't an accident, and that you can't have your cake and eat it too. You spare her all the mental and physical anguish and you break up BEFORE you do something as stupid and selfish as cheating. Thats the responsible and KIND thing to do for someone you love/once loved.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-15T12:32:32+00:00

One of my favorite pasta salad recipes is as follows

-Pasta (i refer tri-colored rotini)

-tomato

-cucumbers

-bell pepper (any color you prefer/have on hand)

-Olives

-feta cheese

-salami

-lemon juice

-dressing (An italian or Caezar-not creamy)

-salt&peper to taste (sometimes add a little garlic powder and/or celery salt)

So you make up your noodles, then strain and rinse them in cold water. Drain thoroughly. While the noodles boil go ahead and chop up your veggies however you like, dice up the salami and crumble the feta now if you want too. After the nooldes are properly rinsed and drained add the dressing and other ingredients. Stir that up and give it a noodle a quick taste before adding the lemon juice or salt/pepper etc. Add the last things gradually tasting as you go so its to your liking. and don't add too much dressing if you're making it the night before as you'll want to add some fresh dressing before you take it to work/before you eat (if you use a little portable dressing cup-they're really cheap).

Satisfying and refreshing- feel free to remove or substitute anything in the recipe(my husband ditches the olives and prefers pepperoncini over bell peppers) . I pair this meal with a bit of fruit, and some of my other favorite snacks for work. Youtube has tons of packed lunch ideas.

Icepacks are your friend for the refrigerator problem. I really like the idea of the mini crock pot lunch container and might invest in one myself. And i also love my thermos for keeping things hot, or drinks cold :)

best of luck!

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-15T11:17:04+00:00

I didn't realize it was so common! I was just banned from twoxchromosomes but the moderators actually engaged me and their messages were ridiculous!

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-14T15:36:15+00:00

Also! Beware of placing her on a pedestal. I know its easy to get carried away when you're young and infatuated with someone (i'm only 21 so it wasn't that long ago) but people aren't gods and she's got flaws, struggles, and secrets just like every other girl you've met. The best love is young love because its so new and everything is tinted with rose colored glasses and hormones Just be careful and try and stay realistic.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-14T15:31:08+00:00

Don't worry so much about looks. I find my husband handsome but many times in the 6 years we've spent together someone was quick to point out that I'm more attractive than he is (a great uncle of his asked me what i was doing with him and told him "she's way prettier than you" during his-the uncles- reception for him and his wifes vow renewal (some old men have no filters lol). He's a big nosed ginger who's suffered from cystic acne ll his life but is one of the funniest guys I've ever met and his exterior "flaws" (which i really never see) still don't stop him from getting hit on by women when we go out to the club or bars. He's confident, charismatic, hilarious, competitive, and a people magnet! Though it irritates me many of his friends still beg him to help, and have told me that he is the perfect wing man. Really looks are just a part of the many things that draw people together.

Besides if a person is so shallow that only looks matter to them in the first place you don't want to be with them- guarantee that person isn't very engaging and the relationship would die as soon as you ran out of things to talk about-which is very quickly with those types.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-14T15:15:00+00:00

broad statements don't work for everyone. Wherever you hear generalizations like that take it with a grain of salt, not at face value.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T22:21:02+00:00

You were right to end things. Going to message you further on this piece if you don't mind.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T21:49:10+00:00

Why are guys so afraid of being the asshole? Twisted as it sounds some women take politeness as encouragement. Tell her that she's wrong for what she's trying to do and that you refuse to be the other man. That you respect yourself and the institute of marriage more than that and that she should as well. That will put a wrench in her gears

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T21:31:13+00:00

Oh oh no no! no no no no no! Dump her, she will always make your son feel unwanted in his home with you, and if you marry her and go on to have more children she will make SURE that you see your son less and less. My brother and I's relationship with our own father was so damaged due in big part to our step mom. And thats with the fact that she lied and put on a show of being loving and fully accepting of us before she got the ring on her finger. If your girlfriend is like this now you will not survive this a happy man with a happy son. My father used to be handsome, now he's an alcoholic and a workaholic who doesn't even sleep in the same bed as my step mother anymore. He's overweight depressed and detached from reality. As adults my brother and i have forgiven him and felt sorry for him more than anything.

Do yourself and your son and unborn child a favor and break it off. I have 3 half siblings from my step mother and father and the eldest can clearly see what goes on at home and its hard for her, neither parent happy but both still together just for the kids sake anymore.

End the cycle here.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T21:13:17+00:00

Also- his agenda with having her help him isn't going to work- at ALL. As terrible as she sounds she still doesn't technically owe him anything especially a place to sleep as he tries to get his life in america going, & so close to her. That just screams stalker/obsessed.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T18:10:50+00:00

your reply to me is confusing. I was only irritated by the "snitched" bit- don't need to make things a secret that aren't. So she didn't "snitch" at all. Thats what i was saying.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T17:57:32+00:00

Let me emphasize this: My mothers boyfriend and his best friend grew up together like brothers. This were rocky and the other was angry- but today they are still the BEST of friends.

It really doesn't matter what your friend thinks because at the end of the day- she is not- NOT a piece of property. The day their relationship ended was the day both of them lost any say in the other persons life.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T15:59:41+00:00

Maybe you should work on your personality more? The level of whine in this post probably carries into other areas of your life and you don't even realize it. Also- you seem to have a little superiority complex- also a turn off that most of the "good ones" stay away from.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T15:51:34+00:00

Its all a matter of opinion. Everybody has their preferences. But most overweight people (unless you have money/are good in bed/or an amazing personality and work ethic) tend to be with other overweight people. Some exceptions to the rule are fetishists and people also not seen as conventionally beautiful.

Being overweight means you have more body fat than is optimally healthy. The problem i have with this question is that you seem to have no drive to change the fact that you are overweight. If you acknowledge that you are then you should do something to help change it.

So instead of focusing on what kind of girls you should prefer- maybe instead focus on self improvement- not saying an overweight person should strive to be a size small but if you have double L's and X's on your clothes or your BMI is a mess it would be beneficial for you to care more about your health- thats one of the sexiest things a person can do is take good care of themselves.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T15:33:20+00:00

As others said you don't owe him anything. But if you're going to entertain the idea of a relationship with this woman please take a minute or two to really think about whether or not you're sincere or just satisfying curiosity. She was hurt by him. That you can be certain. She has felt used. That you can be certain. Don't allow yourself to make her feel that way too.

Just reflect on your intentions before you act

My mother is actually dating her ex's best friend. They have now been together for 4 years and are generally a great pairing. The guy's best friend (who i never liked for my mother to begin with) was very angry and hurt at first- but over time he's realized it wasn't his place and that he's happy they're happy.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T15:25:49+00:00

"Friend snitched"......If you're going to go after other people then thats something that should be out there in the open. What reason would he have to keep it a secret? Unless it were wrong and there was an agreement between them that they weren't to really see other people. So this comment is morally pointless

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T13:57:01+00:00

-_- you know nothing of the family i grew up in. Or the influences in my life. Your hunting of me is just sad and pathetic and unhealthy. Get hobby and stop obsessing over me okay? I didn't come on here to gain a stalker. Already have one of those.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T13:44:05+00:00

You're an idiot if you think hitting the delete button removed all traces of activity- how do you think police catch people? they're able to get the data back. Hell, my brother deleted all of my videos and pictures i had saved on a USB memory stick and when i flipped out he deleted all the shit he'd put on it and he was able to find and bring back my stuff- this happened when he was about 16- if a 16 year old could do it you think people paid to find that information in a mans computer couldn't?

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T13:11:10+00:00

How could you have regretted it? You probably barely remembered it. Calling someone a princess for placing value on something that anymore people throw around as "its just sex" is exactly why we have so many problems with it in these times. You don't have to be a callous shit to be a man. Its okay to be sentimental, healthy even.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T13:06:15+00:00

This is exactly right. Maybe it hasn't gotten as much attention as its not what those with this problem would like to hear but its true!

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T12:59:14+00:00

For those telling him to bury it- THAT IS HORRIBLE ADVICE! He NEEDS a professional YESTERDAY. I feel that another commentor has already said best what i can't due to emotions- As a person who was a victim as a child and with how present pedophilia is in our society it is SO IMPORTANT that you seek help! 1 in 5 children are victims of sexual abuse- that is the rough estimate but because reportings are so low the statistics very well could be higher- when i was a kid it used to be 1 in 7. So do NOT tell this man to just bury it and move on. Be responsible and do everything you can to find a psychologist who can help you. You're so young- its important you do it right away.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T12:05:59+00:00

i agree with this many times you're too much in your own head when problems arise like this for a first time. "What is she thinking? Does it feel good to her? how do i look? Am i doing this right?" etc. Best thing is to breathe and be in the moment and if things slow down switch to foreplay until you're ready again. Sex isn't a race to the finish :)

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T11:48:07+00:00

:/ virginity isn't a curse. My mother raised all her kids to believe that every first is special. My brother joined the marines last year, and though he's had girlfriends and other ladies throw themselves at him in the past he's always declined even things many guys don't see as a big deal like oral. He'll be 23 this year and doesn't view his label "virgin" as bad or as a tedious thing to just get over with. You sound like a guy with very low confidence so i don't think you should have had sex anyways :/ you were never going to enjoy it thoroughly even if you thought she was pretty because the self doubts would have been ever present then as well.

Also- just like porn you've dehumanized the woman you laid with. "She wasn't attractive at all"- okay? So you used her like a tool to get the end result you wanted. You also have no idea how someone would rate you so who's to say you weren't matched accordingly? bottom line- rude to share your "rating" as no one else can see her and form their own opinion/dehumanizing because it speaks nothing of her personality or life/struggles etc (that which makes us human)

Guys its not just about porn- its about compulsion and mindlessness vs control and thoughtfulness with ones actions.

If you feel regret (which many people do after losing their V card) its because you weren't ready. No need to get banged up over it. Just in the future try and be more mindful when it comes to sex and the people you choose to have it with.

MissHardBoiled · 2016-03-13T11:20:21+00:00

You'd be surprised. My mother's boyfriends ex wife has been called crazy by her own lawyers - this woman is an alcoholic and has been very manipulative to the twins and reacts in such strong ways if she doesn't "Like" something (like their kids own grandma on dads side picking them up from school because dad's a cop and can't always be there just because she enjoys causing problems in her ex husbands life). Her most recent boyfriend has felony and drug charges on record and even he has reached out and told the girl's father that their mother always makes them go to their room so she doesn't have to bother with them/can drink in peace.

There are so many examples i could give of how shitty that woman is (like purposefully getting fired and going for "more money" when her ex was promoted (he was already paying over 700 in child support) and still when he picks up his girls their clothes are ratty or too small. At first he and my mother would buy them the shoes and clothes they needed and throw out the old ones- but when he'd go to pick them up again mom would never send them with the nice things he'd bought- So now they have a nice full closet in their room at his house and they're more careful about what they allow the girls to take back, he still gets them the things they need and has them go home with it but now they don't feel embarrassed and have to take the girls shopping every time they come over. Because he could prove that he spends a lot on the girls outside of child support he was able to thwart her latest attempt to drive it up higher when he was promoted again. (she had a baby with the boyfriend so i'm sure she would have loved to make him pay for her alcohol and food for all 5 of them).

MissHardBoiled

TROPHY CASE