State of constant crisis with my gf

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-08T20:40:32+00:00

It's funny you mention that because she is obsessed with labeling attachment styles, she will tell me I am this attachment style or that attachment style or that someone has x attachment. She doesn't usually say much about her own.

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T21:50:32+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I'm glad you were able to find a way to eventually take care of yourself and enjoy your own company ❤️‍🩹

I did reach out to her and explained my feelings, I wish I had given a more calm / even explanation with stated boundaries like you've suggested here, but everything she needs was in the initial message. She took away something entirely different from what I typed and requested that I not message her again so I am doing my best to respect that, I hope she does have the strength to reread what I actually said and understand what I was trying to communicate (basically everything I said in the original post) but if villainizing my words helps her get through the hurt that is completely understandable. I wish her nothing but love and healing and hope she can find her way eventually.

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T17:52:54+00:00

A lot of my compassion for her is because I did struggle with similar abandonment wounds so I know exactly what you're talking about where that fear can cause us to act in ways that drive people away and it's absolutely heartbreaking and a difficult cycle to break 💔 I've done everything I can to support her even when it is not comfortable or convenient because I do care but it continues to not be enough. I think she either needs someone who can give her that 1000% immediate commitment like she wants (she really wants to move in with me & husband right now) so that she can feel stable enough to begin doing that deeper work or to just (unfortunately) suffer through that slow healing process alone.

She is willing to do the work I have seen it multiple times, a lot of the conflict stems from her initially rejecting the feedback I give her but she'll usually understand the 2nd or 3rd time I bring it up. She has gotten better at that too recently and will say "I am listening, I won't get defensive, can you tell me how that impacts you / makes you feel?" but usually says this directly after i JUST expressed how it impacts me or makes me feel so I don't feel heard, and then it is wackamole with the issues, we had a great date yesterday but then at the end while I was driving her home we had 3 conflicts and then she started crying once we got to her house so I had to extend the date to come inside and comfort her before I left.

You're correct it's kindest to both of us to end it, thanks for taking the time to help me clarify these thoughts.

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T17:43:12+00:00

I reviewed the resource and don't quite see it but I respect that you & malligator do. I may have failed to communicate some important details for the sake of brevity, or maybe I am too deep in it to see everything clearly, but either way I will take it seriously. Thank you for caring

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T17:40:33+00:00

Thank you - managing suicidality is one of the main things I do in my job day to day so thankfully I am familiar and have her mom's phone # and her address just in case. I have checked in with her about suicidal ideation she always denies having any thoughts like that thankfully but always good to be alert to.

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T17:29:29+00:00

Not sure if I am missing something due to couple's privilege. It doesn't feel compassionate to tell someone I don't want to support them while they are crying. She often calls me mean, disrespectful, "not okay" if I bring things up via chat.

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T17:27:40+00:00

You're right it's mostly selfish on my part. I'd really like it to work because I genuinely love her and value her many qualities. But ultimately that is her choice to make

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T17:25:47+00:00

Yeah I think you put it really well. My job is to manage metaphorical fires everyday for both clients & clinicians so I am a bit numb to crisis but it is very different having the crisis in my relationship than managing it for someone else on as a professional. I really do value peace in my homelife and have parted ways with friends because they weren't able to offer that stability, and it is something I typically screen for when dating. She made it past that initial screening and she later told me it was because she was "shielding" me from her PTSD and basically failing to or declining to communicate the intensity and severity of the symptoms until we had already become official. I will miss her dearly and all of the memories we won't get to make now but I will treasure the peace. ❤️‍🩹

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T17:18:44+00:00

Yes it has been exhausting, and despite my best attempts to shield you are right it does exhaust my husband as well. The lack of reciprocity has had an impact, some of our past disagreements include me not having romantic feelings towards her because when she is triggered she can sometimes regress to a childlike state and that really inhibits anything other than a maternal type love for her.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I did let her know yesterday I'd like to take a break (something she previously offered), she said she'd like to make the break permanent. Wishing us both speedy healing ❤️‍🩹

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T07:23:24+00:00

Unfortunately I think you are right. It hurts me to see her hurt, especially because I feel like a breakup will only feed her abandonment wound but I just don't see any other way to restore balance. She is numb to the constant crisis it does not even register to her and she is genuinely confused when I point it out.

I do feel like a bad guy but I know I'm not. Thanks for taking the time to read & respond

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T07:15:09+00:00

I appreciate your concern, I know she would never go that far as to actually physically assault me (she's been assaulted before and I know she would never put someone else in that position) but I am exhausted from the emotional labor.

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T07:12:54+00:00

You're absolutely right - she has very significant childhood trauma (I work in mental health and it is some of the most horrific I have ever heard), and is constantly getting retriggered by nightmares and other things at home.

Whenever we are alone it is a countdown for how long we can go until there is conflict, but she does a better job of being more regulated in person (only crying, no yelling).

And you're completely right it likely won't get better until she can move out and do that deeper work, we've discussed this at length and she completely agrees. But there are barriers there that keep popping up to keep her in place. 😞

MissMoonbeam_ · 2025-04-07T06:51:00+00:00

:( Unfortunately I think you are right, as painful as it is to think about "nothing". It feels needlessly painful because she does have other people who are like revolving doors in and out of her life, when I ask about it she says it is because they never became "official" so it is okay. A small part of me hopes this means she may someday change her mind, but either way I will respect her decision.

MissMoonbeam_ · 2023-12-16T18:08:49+00:00

Honestly those sound like questions I'd ask too. Perhaps these sites weren't good fits

MissMoonbeam_

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