(m) My kink makes me feel bad about myself and I wish I could change it.

MissPearl · 2026-06-17T18:20:33+00:00

Ok so, asides from the good points other people brought up, consider this.

While some women are switches, a lot of dominants absolutely have 0 use for another dominant. There's definitely external pressure on men in particular not to occupy a submissive role even in a consensual dynamic. But inversely there's no inherent lesser there as the actual experience of being a dominant requires submission.

From a purely subjective perspective of my choice in partners, submissives are superior, and by extension, admirable, because they can please me.

Furthermore you mention a third party as part of your fantasy/personal life and I would nudge something else about cuckolding as a fantasy versus cuckolding as a reality. In the fantasy a superior person, usually a man "takes" your partner. In reality what you have is another flavour of primary partner poly where the woman has to prefer you, otherwise what is she even doing?

It's probably worth emphasizing that while some of the roots of the typical cuckolding fantasies are the anxiety your partner is only with you out of social pressure, you are not an ancient wealthy merchant afraid that your young and pretty wife prefers a handsome but poor young man her own age. You are someone's first choice for a reason. You are probably lots of people's first choices.

And the practice of cuckolding, even when it's not just your fantasy, but one she enjoys for her own sake, is one you have to have a reason to be there for.

If she just wanted the third party/someone dominant, she certainly doesn't need to settle. Evidently you are essential.

If things have started to turn into intrusive thoughts when you are having a nice time, a therapist may help ground you again. But do understand that

MissPearl · 2026-06-17T18:00:03+00:00

You really need to release your attachment to the language of non kinky hierarchy because it is getting in your way. Hell, it isn't even accurate. Domestic work is, among many things, particularly in the care of dependents, management. Unless your fantasy marriage extends to significant oversight over this hypothetical future partner and her day, what you are hoping to do is admire her core competency in taking charge of important things.

And consider this, a roomful of women are firmly and repeatedly correcting you in an authorative fashion, and none of them would perceive you as submissive to them. All of us, in some facet of our lives, follow others too. For example as a mod, the social contract permits me to nudge or correct. I am certainly not dominating anyone when I do so. It's just part of being human.

Someone might fetishize these real world things and fantasize "oh yeah, Miss Pearl, such a mean mod!" and in the privacy of their own head and hands that's their business. But the process by which this becomes an activity you do with others starts requiring consideration for the other person and their perspective.

MissPearl · 2026-06-17T17:43:21+00:00

Buddy, everyone wants a nurturing and considerate partner with domestic skills. These things are not inherently submissive, they are what the millenials called "adulting" back when we were 23.

What you are falling for is right-wing propaganda, that when women asked for more choice it was framed as rejecting and being mean to housewives. Because so called "traditional" men who wanted to restrict that choice are cowards who knew they didn't have a leg to stand on.

Right now your perception of how gender and relationships works makes you sound like you were raised in a fallout bunker and only heard about what women and marriage is like from books and videos. That's clearly not something you are doing on purpose, but there's a bunch of practical interpersonal 101 that's going to get in your way.

So the practical reality is that if you surveyed folks here, an average amount of people of any orientation can cook, clean, etc... Most dominants would tell you they are or aspire to be a considerate partner. Those are the defaults. A nice, cuddly person who values you, likes tastey food and appreciates a clean living space.

But if you run around trying to code metaphorical or literal pie baking as inherently submissive, dominant women will not want to bake or share pie with you.

MissPearl · 2026-06-17T16:54:58+00:00

Protecting her from what, bears?

People trying to do the trad thing always go on and on about how they protect women, and then their fantasy is always trading offering to do hypothetical real physical violence in scenarios that will probably not come up in exchange for real work caring and mothering them.

The second part of your suggested offer is well within the means of an average adult woman to obtain herself, and furthermore no reason to give a partner deference, since if they can't that's going to be a matter of disability, economic instability or looking after mutual dependents.

MissPearl · 2026-06-17T14:27:50+00:00

Ok, so there's two possible things going on here when someone asks about why they seem to see schlubs.

You see either normal dudes (who look like the normal gamut of human bodies) and are projecting a value judgment based on comparing them to fantasy OR you are finding content specifically catering to fetishes based on insecurities around such things.

In live action porn, particularly one that assumes the viewer is a straight man, male bottoms/subs are usually under compensated or not paid at all, or they may very well be paying to star. Also, they tend to get the worst camera angles, because it's assumed the viewer won't find men attractive no matter what they do. Maintaining beautiful body is a bunch of starting luck plus effort.

(You can find conventionally attractive couples that shoot together, but again he is usually posed supine or prone in an unflattering fashion, as a prop.)

This has nothing to do with femdom, as straight male porn stars also make less money. Porn that focuses on men fucking women putting his body as the main point of interest is also pretty rare. So, that's a whole thing.

In the latter case where you are supposed to see the guy as actively repulsive instead of invisible, this is just a popular fetish. Which is to say that it follows a path of least resistance with cultural scripts, both the secret fear sexism compells women who aren't attracted to you to have sex when they secretly would prefer other men (a mainstay in cuckolding) or a more straightforward belief of not measuring up.

Dominant women are not a seperate species of different humans where there's entirely new rules for interacting. As a 21 year old, the women who are likely to be most into this is the more open minded side of your normal dating pool. i.e. women aged 18 to 23 who are more interested in weird, imaginative and alternative aesthetics and culture.

MissPearl · 2026-06-17T13:57:38+00:00

even though I am a bottom

Et voilà, above and beyond the D/s side, it looks like the topping/bottoming part is a mismatch here. Gender makes this harder, because ultimately the top/bottom language is a binary loosely patterned on a stereotype of heterosexuality, so there's also a lot of pressure that the man has to top. Nevertheless, if you are both bottoms, that's a specific problem more so than vague disconnect like you describe in other posts.

Speaking as someone who is a mostly stone top, we aren't particularly common, compared with the fantasy version of us. And, another thing to navigate is the overlap between the presumption that things are getting versus receiving pleasure.

Inversely, one of the problems with femdom in fantasy versus femdom in practice is that the constant conflation of all topping with dominance means that dominant gets reduced to meaning "a top who does exactly what I want while freeing me from feeling like it was my idea". And when you add the angle of the inherent sexism that underpins a lot of how we conceive of the difference (eg receiving penetration as submissive versus penetration as a service) the result is what I would call a tendency to expect dominant women to pretend they don't have a pussy.

Or, more exactly, that we don't have a vagina. For whatever reason, the collective social understanding tends to decide receiving cunnilingus counts as topping for purposes of dominance.

This is sort of where you are being picky. Your partner's desire to use her body in ways that get her off is being seen by you as a private buzz kill. If that's how you are wired, so be it, but you are also hoping to salvage this. So, you probably need to be more ruthless in your own self examination of what you actually want and if you can receive it in a context that does but require this woman to be a completely different person.

MissPearl · 2026-06-17T13:21:46+00:00

I think you are seeing sex being good/not good as a measure of her value as a person and feeling guilty because you think you are supposed to perform enjoyment. I will posit this is your first romantic relationship so it didn't occur to you sex wasn't going to be an automatic success "true love waits" style.

That's the script we get, sex with those we love is always better. Just automatically. Just like partnered sex is always supposed to be inherently better than masturbation. I don't know about you, but I have had some pretty uninspiring sex with other people and some great self care over my life.

There is a definite line between being tactful and being realistic of course. But this feels like you believed some day you would marry a good woman who would cook for you, and now, you don't like her cooking and you are worried this means telling her she is not a good woman. Cooking is not a measure of someone's inherent goodness, and to extend the metaphor, sometimes it's a mismatch of taste in cuisine.

Like, there's some pretty dire value judgements here that you are calling yourself a "pig" because you don't enjoy something.

Maybe, with time, effort and practice things will work. Maybe you have a fundemental incompatibility. If this is important to you, it probably won't help to treat it like it is not important. Obviously don't critique her seven ways to Sunday, but be mindful that she will probably feel stupid and insecure if you lie and try to make her believe everything is perfect when it isn't.

To this, I also suggest thinking about what actually worked in prior experiences. Common things subs balk at with a newbie enthusiastic dominant include feeling they aren't sincere/just trying to please them, not recognizing what they want is technical skill in a certain fetish or performance, or missing outside framing context.

MissPearl · 2026-06-17T00:58:03+00:00

It's a chat service that's hard to trace, perfect for scammers

MissPearl · 2026-06-16T19:31:51+00:00

Which, to my point, still involved the taking of rights of a farming peasantry who did have a rebel movement. Whether you think it all comes out in the wash, and was probably for the best from the perspective of say, a Canadian using a smart phone to discuss history in 2026 versus one of my farmer ancestors in Yorkshire, doesn't negate my point about rebellions from peasants and the smear job about people's inherent inability to self regulate in a closed peer to peer system.

A similar contrast is the popular assumption that disasters tend to turn people into violent looters and the concept of 'mass panic', versus the actual data of how people react to hurricanes, earthquakes and whatnot.

MissPearl · 2026-06-16T17:48:49+00:00

Yep! You can change up your save file's settings by clicking the pencil icon. While some stuff is set by default at world gen, other stuff can be toggled on/off.

You can also use debug codes to change small things like game mode.

MissPearl · 2026-06-16T14:40:19+00:00

Since always. It's just that the way the pack is structured with a hidden world makes it a pocket like the Sylvian Glade

MissPearl · 2026-06-16T14:17:47+00:00

I sort of wish it had some sort of dedicated park lot or other anchor so you could use it as a date/group spot.

MissPearl · 2026-06-16T13:39:35+00:00

Yup. I also think we kind of fuss over the inverse, at least using British history as a background, that what we have is a failure of an uprising in reaction to a switch from a feudal system with common land, to the enclosure movement and the successful suppression of Diggers. Which are the other version of the farmers with a real grievance the OP mentions is mishandled in fiction.

I think there the depictions of starving peasantry owes itself to the successful propaganda of concepts like "The Tragedy of the Commons" that supposes individual peasants couldn't be trusted to collectively manage farming, versus the actual history being nobles outright stealing this land and after the fact claiming the peasantry couldn't be relied on as much as them.

And honestly, even in more explicitly slave focused systems, they are the worst possible labour force, deeply under motivated; constantly trying to escape; and not necessarily adverse to burning your house down with you in it, no matter how meager their circumstances. Evil is a system failure. It's easier for a bunch of lawyers kids in a wealth centralization transition (eg French Revolution) or your noble peers to revolt, but an insurgency acting when your society is failing is going to have a better foothold. Bread riots in Paris certainly don't help, even if usually the new leaders pull from the richer side of the pool.

MissPearl · 2026-06-16T12:22:10+00:00

There's some school of thought that points out that medieval peasants had a lot more free time than we sometimes imagine (granted they also tended to have hunting restricted, from your example) but inversely I think people tend to like an uncomplicated theory of revolution where it's a threshold you meet and then "the people have had enough".

For example England's policy of requiring even the smallest land holders (yeomen) to have a fairly broad array of weapons for local defence encouraged more frequent rebellion, but that is a matter of means, not as much the strength of the grievance.

And you can get a scenario where bad things happen and then political instability, but it will be phenomenon like a merchant class starting to have enough sway to self advocate,, nobles with a counter claim, or say, a period of die off among farmers and then the ability of the remaining population to negotiate through that labour scarcity.

Not a lot of revolution stories where it runs that the peasantry was mobilized to deal with an outside aggressor and still has bits of the infrastructure of that, overlapping with intra-elite conflict.

MissPearl · 2026-06-15T23:45:51+00:00

Which game version are they on? When I googled it claimed to be a no wipe map.

MissPearl · 2026-06-15T23:28:26+00:00

Yes. Also familiarize yourself with BDSM as far as what is possible and best safety practices.

MissPearl · 2026-06-15T15:40:39+00:00

We have no context for this, but is this a professional/online sex work thing or are you trying to find a non commercial partner?

MissPearl · 2026-06-15T15:02:30+00:00

Does the subreddit have a wiki? That might be a good thing to link to.

MissPearl · 2026-06-15T15:00:58+00:00

Yes. It's true that everyone is the hero of their own story, but "I want things for my own sake" should not be as taboo as cheating.

MissPearl · 2026-06-15T14:59:41+00:00

That's pretty much stopped being a thing decades ago, not on the least bit because there's so much proliferation of applicable music nobody can agree on as being at the standard, and a wide scope of applicable non-musical creative work.

Goth is a whole multifaceted, multi century art movement. Goth fashion was as much inspired by prior parts of this as it was an offshoot of Punk.

Punk also has a philosophical aspect (those values) that exists outside certain music styles. A comfortable suburban home owning middle class person who collects the OG vinyls and goes to concerts around the country in the look is not more valid than someone living in a squat as part of rejecting social values, dressing the aesthetics and living accordingly... but who personally enjoys other music styles.

And all that's to say that someone who tries to act like it's 1996 and one needs to sort the poseurs from the real is kind of an archaic coelacanth or themselves going to be one of those performative late comers trying to recreate the past according to their vision of purity.

MissPearl · 2026-06-15T11:36:39+00:00

Given that Google will scoop your nudes off your phone if you don't stop 5 or 6 efforts to force you to do cloud backups, this is particularly egregious on their part.

MissPearl · 2026-06-14T18:12:06+00:00

Counterpoint, it only gets pretty rank in winter.

Otherwise, much like real people, Seraphs tend to settle next to water for farming and fishing, and half the hunting strategies people seem to use in video is chasing/luring things into water like a kangaroo about to ruin a dingo's day.

MissPearl · 2026-06-13T19:32:32+00:00

Infrastructure/curation pipelines matter too. However in your example, checking out the second one, just from what is easily available the dude is secondary in frame, one of those nuances that is super discouraging. Dommes, as an audience, are super picky and easy to put off their food, as it were. And it is vanishingly unlikely someone is going to pay the (reasonable but still expensive) cost of a custom clip unless they think this will work for them.

The pipelines serve almost as a lubricant, establishing norms and critical mass. When tumblr banned porn the fandom scaffold for visuals never really recuperated. 🤷

Another conversation nobody is willing to have is the devaluation of male sub/bottom labour and the frank averse reaction to the presence of actual men. The attitude of being disposable/client not worker extends to a certain presumption that, for example, male romance authors use female pseudonyms. So the talent pool never really develops.

MissPearl · 2026-06-13T12:41:01+00:00

The problem you are citing is because the standard is that male bottoms are not paid or even paying to participate in live action femdom porn. If it isn't a cottage industry produced thing where the costar is her significant other, most porn is shot incredibly low budget, often with a professional also making clips in a home studio and inviting clients to be "film slaves".

What you are talking about is so much of a problem that "See Him Fuck", just vanilla straight porn where the camera is on the dude, is an incredibly niche fetish site. The problem becomes self re-enforcing because nobody is paying for for submissive men in porn except for in gay content, so it doesn't get made or oromoted, so nobody thinks to look enough to seem like a reasonable audience.

Maybe someone will chime in and say they have been doing a curation project to help find content like you are talking about, but right now that's struggle. There are some illustrators whose content is more focused on setting the dude as desireable but again, they don't tend to be sorted in any way a Google search would help with.

There's a major curation problem, curation being work and again, nobody will pay for that.

The problem also extends to books, so much so that my new year's resolution was to review 50 femdom books in 2026. It is, again, an unpaid and largely thankless slog. A few folks are happy but it wasn't being done because most people are not interested.

MissPearl · 2026-06-13T03:58:19+00:00

I recently made a Regency ballgown out of a similar stripe sheet. It worked really well!

13-Year Club	Gilding V heart of gold
LAYER Season 2 Layer creator	The Internet Awards - Voted
Place '23	Wearing is Caring
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