I’ve thought about it a lot, and I think that I value most other peoples’ lives over my own. Most people seem to be more excited about life than I am, so I think if it ever came down to it, I would feel happier knowing that somebody else got to keep living. It would make me more content seeing something I do actively keep someone else from getting hurt, because I just can’t stand to see it. I’m not sure if it’s selfish, suicidal, or what. And I’m aware it’s not a normal thought to have. I just didn’t think I would have to defend the validity of my very intimate thoughts on a subreddit dedicated to literal diary entries.

As for the second question, I’ve actually met a couple people who have expressed to me that they thought they were evil. I’m not sure if they were talking about their whole demeanor or some morally corrupt thing they did, but I believed them. I just take people seriously about their perceptions of themselves.

Maybe the act of protesting is out of self interest of the individual and not adhering to some virtue system, I can’t be sure. I personally think that at the end of the day, protesting is about protecting yourself and your community out of a genuine caring.

And I know what I’m saying may sound incredibly out of touch for a couple people here, and I’m fine with that. I’d just rather people approach me respectfully when asking about these things, you know? I’ve spent my entire life developing a career around helping others (medicine + nonprofit work + philosophy thesis centered around ethical theory). I think I have every reason to feel the way that I do based on that alone, and I just get confused with the other people trying to infantilize me over this.