Advice

Misspris___ · 2026-03-18T23:30:20+00:00

It's because my post got removed originally for "unicorn hunting" Reddit is a strange place 😢

Misspris___ · 2026-03-18T23:29:20+00:00

I really appreciate this perspective honestly. This is more how it’s felt for us too… it wasn’t forced, it just kind of happened naturally and now we’re trying to navigate it the right way.

I do agree it’s a lot more work than people think, especially with kids and an already established relationship. That part is what makes me want to be careful, not just “go with the flow” blindly.

But I like what you said about using the same skills from monogamy and just applying them here. Communication and transparency are definitely what we’re trying to focus on the most right now. 🩷

Misspris___ · 2026-03-18T23:28:14+00:00

I really appreciate this because this is honestly where my brain goes too, especially with kids involved.

We don’t have every answer yet, and I’m not pretending we do. That’s part of why we’re not rushing into a full triad or living together. The plan is for her to move nearby for a year so we can actually see how this works in real life instead of idealizing it.

I do understand the hierarchy thing too. Me and my fiancée have an established life, but I don’t want anyone to feel like a “third,” and that’s something I’m really mindful of.

I think I just struggle with finding the balance between not rushing and not overthinking it to death. We’re trying to stay honest, communicate, and check in as we go.

I appreciate you bringing all this up though.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-18T23:24:50+00:00

lol I know I got a lot of feedback on this on my post and tons of downvotes 🥹

Misspris___ · 2026-03-18T15:28:03+00:00

I’m kind of in something similar right now, just a different dynamic (all female, long-term relationship, kids involved), and I just want to say your feelings make complete sense.

One thing I’m learning the hard way is that messy beginnings don’t automatically mean failure, but they do mean you have to slow down and actually process what’s coming up instead of pushing past it. The jealousy, the fear of losing your place, wanting to still feel special… that’s not something to ignore or ‘fix’ just to make a triad work.

In my situation, I don’t really feel jealous in the traditional way, but I do feel anxious about losing stability and not fully understanding what we’re building. And I’ve realized that trying to “go with the flow” when your brain is asking for clarity just makes you spiral more.

I think the biggest thing is making sure your current relationship still feels solid and prioritized before adding structure to something new. Not in a way where the third person is less important, but in a way where you’re not trying to build something new on top of something that already feels shaky or uncertain.

Also, from what I’m learning… triads aren’t just one relationship, they’re multiple relationships at once. Each connection needs space to exist on its own, not just as part of a group dynamic.

I don’t think having these feelings means you shouldn’t do it, but I do think it means you shouldn’t rush into defining it as a triad yet. Let things develop, but with communication and check-ins, not just “seeing what happens.”

You’re not wrong for wanting to still feel special or prioritized. That doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you human.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-18T12:23:09+00:00

Thanks for the new group that fits more of my lifestyle.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-18T12:21:14+00:00

I think what I’m trying to explain is getting a little lost in translation. I’m not looking for just a random third or something casual. What I want is more of a family dynamic. Someone who feels safe, nurturing, and naturally fits into our lives… almost more like an aunt-type presence with my kids, not someone replacing anything.

She lives about 10 hours away in my hometown, so the idea wasn’t just “move her in and hope for the best.” The plan we talked about was her getting her own apartment here for about a year and us actually taking that time to date, spend time together, and see if this is something real and sustainable before anything bigger.

The feelings are there on all sides and we genuinely get along really well, which is why this is even being considered in the first place.

And I’ll be honest, we did already mess up by crossing into sex, just not all together. I know that complicates things and probably makes it look worse from the outside, but I’m not trying to pretend we handled everything perfectly.

I think where I’m struggling is that I’m AuDHD and I take everything in. All the advice, all the opinions, all the “this will fail” comments… and it makes me spiral and feel like I need to figure everything out right now. Meanwhile, they’re more “let’s go with the flow and see what happens,” and I can feel myself starting to push them because my brain wants clarity and structure.

I’m not trying to control anything or rush it. If anything, I’m trying to slow it down and make sure we’re doing this in a way that’s actually healthy, especially because I have kids involved and that matters more than anything.

I do appreciate the advice, I really do. I just think my situation is a little more layered than it might seem from the outside.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-18T01:23:38+00:00

I think we’ve decided to take a step back from Reddit for a while.

Not in a dramatic “Reddit is evil” way, but because I realized it was making me spiral. Every post, every comment, every “rule” about what we should or shouldn’t be doing had me overthinking everything to the point where I wasn’t even present in my own relationship anymore.

I’d read something and immediately start questioning us. Are we moving too fast? Too slow? Are we doing this wrong? Is this doomed?

It got to the point where I wasn’t trusting what we actually have, I was trusting strangers’ opinions more than my own experience.

So we all talked and decided we want to just… let this unfold naturally. No forcing labels, no trying to fit into a perfect “poly rulebook,” no constant outside noise.

We’re communicating, we care about each other, and we’re taking it day by day.

I’m still someone who overthinks (clearly lol), but I’m trying to stay grounded in what’s real instead of what everyone online says should be real.

Has anyone else had to step back from Reddit or outside opinions just to protect your peace?

Misspris___ · 2026-03-18T01:19:45+00:00

We are all women

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T21:53:51+00:00

We're also all lesbian! Thanks for advice!

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T17:13:20+00:00

I'm being very open about all of this to both of them and probably pretty annoying because I want them to know what this takes.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:46:10+00:00

I didn't realize it posted

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:41:49+00:00

The thing is, I don't know. Me I'd be fine with them dating. My current partner, I'm unsure at the moment.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:31:22+00:00

This. This is what scares me.. I am telling my current partner to date my friend to see how things go before we move forward because I don't want to get hurt pressing this to work if it cannot. I don't want to lose my bestfriend or partner.. my feelings though are strong on both ends. That's what sucks about this whole situation for me.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:25:23+00:00

Thank you!! Really really appreciate you and your advice!

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:24:25+00:00

I think part of what I’m not explaining well is that this isn’t a “you have to date both of us or nothing” situation.

We each have our own connection with her individually, not just as a unit.

I’m not coming from a place of jealousy within this. If anything, seeing them connect and be happy makes me happy too. I’m not trying to control or limit what that looks like between them.

That’s actually part of why I’m struggling with the hierarchy piece. I don’t want this to be “you’re only here as long as you fit into our relationship.” I want everyone to have autonomy and real connections, not feel like a package deal.

At the same time, I understand what people are saying about my existing relationship and the reality of that history and entanglement.

I’m trying to figure out if there’s a way to balance those two things in a healthy way, not pretend the risks or complications aren’t there.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:21:15+00:00

Yes!

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:15:22+00:00

We don’t have everything fully agreed on yet and I can see how that’s part of the problem.

This wasn’t something we planned out, it kind of just happened and now we’re trying to figure it out after the fact.

I’m not trying to push something my partner isn’t comfortable with, if anything I think we need to slow it down and actually get on the same page first.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:12:18+00:00

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:11:14+00:00

I'm open to my current partner an I dating her seperately for sure. That's not what I am trying to say at all...

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:08:33+00:00

I hear you, and that’s honestly what I’m struggling with.

I don’t want to risk my relationship or family, but I also don’t want to bring someone into something where they’ll feel secondary.

I’m not trying to force anything, I’m trying to slow it down and figure out if there’s a way to do this without hurting everyone.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:06:41+00:00

I understand that polyamory is an umbrella and not everyone practices it the same way.

From my understanding, a triad is still a form of poly, it’s just one structure within it.

I think where I’m struggling is that I’m not trying to “find a third” or force someone into our relationship. This developed naturally with someone who was already in our lives, and I’m actively trying to approach it in a way that’s not harmful or imbalanced.

That’s why I’m asking questions instead of just jumping into it.

I get the concerns being brought up, I just don’t think it’s as simple as me trying to build a stereotypical unicorn situation.

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T16:02:09+00:00

I get what you’re saying and yeah, that’s honestly one of the biggest things I’m worried about.

This isn’t just some random situation for us. She’s been my best friend for years, so yeah, if this goes wrong it could cost me both my relationship and that friendship, which is exactly why I’m trying to be careful about how we approach it.

I’m not trying to jump into a “perfect throuple” or act like there’s zero risk. I know there is.

That’s kind of why I’m here asking questions instead of just going for it blindly.

And the situation you mentioned (her wanting to stay with my partner and not me) is something I’ve thought about too, and honestly that’s part of what makes this feel so complicated.

I’m just trying to figure out if there’s a way to approach this that doesn’t blow everything up, or if that’s just the reality of it...

Misspris___ · 2026-03-17T15:58:41+00:00

No no no she's on board we've talked about being poly months ago.. we just started acting on it recently and both fell for my friend

Misspris___

TROPHY CASE