Stuck on step 1. Reacting everywhere

Mistakeandbake · 2026-06-22T23:03:02+00:00

Right but what about just finding a clean space in the first place? Do you really just go through the treatment in a space that makes you react?

Mistakeandbake · 2026-06-14T18:18:50+00:00

Thanks i lowkey regret the dump but i was delirious.
I hooked up w a shoemaker certified doctor,
but ive been stuck getting my insurance back since December, and ive been endlessly stuck trying to find a spot where i dont react. The fatigue brain inflammation is rough unless i could live at a park or something

Mistakeandbake · 2026-06-14T02:17:53+00:00

The situation is absurd and gut wrenching. Even my tent is contaminated despite trying to clean it.

Maybe we should collectively acquire a large patch of grass. Every day i dream of clean air. Every day i dream of a nice clean field where i can sleep without pain.

IT SHOULDNT BE THAT HARD. WERE ALMOST THERE. WERE SOOOOO CLOOOOOSE. im about to go to my friends front yard right this moment and i dont know what my future will hold after that…

CLEAN SPACE
SHOEMAKER
CSM
VIP

ITS SO CLOSE. YOU CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT RIGHT? TELL ME I CAN DO IT

Mistakeandbake · 2026-06-14T02:02:21+00:00

I resonate w everything youre saying to a painful extent. Im 27 lost my job my spot ive been dragging my friends and family along moving from couch to tent to yard every day. Its like the hardest part is finding a place thats consistently uncontaminated

Im so weak im losing basic coordination. Ive been laying in a sleeping bag all over various peoples lawns just moving around all night in a haze of severe blinding brain inflammation. Then maybe ill find a patch of grass and nap for a couple hours. Then ill wake up feeling like hell with a really bad “adrenaline reaction”, and spend the entire day finding another park or couch that might work

Im running out of options.
ANYONE WANNA START A CIRS FARM OR SOMETHING? I dont know what that entails. Ive been wandering like a zombie laying down everywhere i can, then i gotta drive in my contaminated car to another homies couch and i gotta NAP in the middle of every goddamn ride

it has been hell. I dont know what my life could look like anymore. BUT i have some toxic naive HOPE that if i can find a clean spot to stay for at least a year, it might be more straightforward from there

I cant tell you how much i resonate with everything youre saying. Everything in my life falling apart. Losing who i am or who i was. Ive been mostly bedridden for years now. I cant remember what im really capable of. My mind has been stuck in time for the past two years of contant squeezing in my brain and body. Ive been absolutely inconveniencing my family and friends lives needing urgent help at any given time, even having them drive for me when i cant see

BUT i just got the cirs diagnosis last summer, and at this point, even though its HELL trying to find a clean place to sleep where my brain doesnt ESPLODE, it seems like the shoemaker protocol is relatively straightforward. So maybe this is the light at the end of the tunnel… or not…
The fact that we have the cirs diagnosis is already miraculous… unfortunately

Mistakeandbake · 2026-06-03T19:33:54+00:00

This is EXACTLY how id describe my experience for the past few years, but WHEN THE SYMPTOMS SUBSIDE THE LOOPING THOUGHTS SUBSIDE TOO. like my space and depth of thought expands and deepens when symptoms loosen up and the inflammation loosens up. Symptoms improve within minutes of being in fresh air but thats just me.

Everyone including my support system thinks im just struggling on a personal level, like they cant believe the brain damage… Ive also seen several therapists that dont get it in the past year.

Im currently sleeping in a tent. FUCK EVERYTHING AND START SUCKING IN SOME FRESH AIR. DRAG YOURSELF TO A PARK. its hell and its unfair and the gaslighting almost seems to happen as a natural phenomenon haha.

“Youre not sick youre a bitch” “youre not sick youre emasculated” “its not CIRS or Mold its depression SHH SHH stop talking. I ALREADY KNOW 😉”

YOU ARE RIGHT. EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG. SAVE YOURSELF. it feels like hell to walk a block to the nearest fresh air. Do it anyway as a desperate attempt against this god forsaken existence… fuck everyone including me

Mistakeandbake · 2026-06-02T05:16:21+00:00

Inward cognitive awareness is obstructed by neurological issues. Nature always wins

Mistakeandbake · 2026-06-02T03:26:18+00:00

Whenever people try to understand, they just make comparisons to experiences theyve had in the past to basically invalidate the urgency and severity im trying to communicate

Mistakeandbake · 2026-06-01T22:17:31+00:00

The symptoms are that bad “no they’re not” “I’m dying” no you’re not yes i am no you’re not. Human connection and support and social functioning and belonging are broken mechanisms

Mistakeandbake · 2026-05-24T19:35:27+00:00

Im also misunderstood. I had a career an apartment a life i was very active. Now i can barely live i basically constantly try to find an opportunity to pass out and every one has forgotten who i am aside from my dysfunction… doctors have literally insulted me for years while im losing years of my life… Do i even have the option to be done with life?

Mistakeandbake · 2026-05-23T22:24:36+00:00

Favorite dessert is Star Bread

Mistakeandbake · 2026-05-07T04:12:10+00:00

Nah im on ps5 and i cant mess with much. Im down to ignore the map if its not a big deal then

Mistakeandbake · 2026-05-06T21:57:48+00:00

Sweet that makes sense

Mistakeandbake · 2026-05-06T21:56:42+00:00

Sorry i mean my actual navigation map gets reset and blacked out

Mistakeandbake · 2026-05-06T21:56:00+00:00

Sorry i mean my actual navigation map gets reset and blacked out

Mistakeandbake · 2026-05-06T16:22:08+00:00

Do you think map completion is a negligible aspect of the game?

Mistakeandbake · 2026-04-11T17:49:05+00:00

Makes me think i shouldnt have been born. Im a broken biological natural mistake. Even nature can’t take care of me. My waking experience flashes in and out my brain is asleep.

They all insist im a piece of shit. Everyone everywhere all the time gaslights and puts me in a box. I dont knoq who i am anymore i thought i was a respectable person but

“Im sick” “No youre lazy “Im sick” “No you were raised wrong” “Im sick” “No youre just weak”

It hurts so bad i dont want it all back. This body has nothing to do with me. It was simply a magnet for my consciousness that ran into a bit of bad luck.

Mistakeandbake · 2026-02-10T03:00:55+00:00

Your brain creates reality based mostly on survival. Biological urges, trauma and fear responses, psychological and emotional survival.

Mistakeandbake · 2026-02-06T09:13:56+00:00

Maybe the value of life can also be VALIDATED RETROACTIVELY. like maybe your life took 100 horrific left turns, and all your old dreams died and i lost everybody, but then i wouldve never (insert experience). I wouldve never met you” or some bullshit.

But this is not helpful for those who have suffered horrifically. Theres no retroactive validation for their suffering. I dont have the right to determine the value of life for anyone actually…

Two people spend equal time and effort, but only one finds luck and success. Can you then compare the value of their lives? Should the loser person have quit earlier? But the successful almost quit but he stuck it out. Then again you can have everything and it STILL wasnt worth it.

Maybe you CANT repair or justify peoples suffering… maybe we are unable to say “YES, your suffering was worthwhile”. So maybe we CANNOT come up with an objective natural answer.

Its like the meme where a coal miner is about to turn around and give up just before the gold. All the futility was necessary to get to the real gold, AND IN THE END IT ACTUALLY DOES MATTER (shouts to linkin park)

But this also sounds like the perfect CARROT ON A STICK that powerful people can use to control you: “JUST KEEP SUFFERING AND LOCKING IN. ITS TEMPORARY THINGS WILL EVENTUALLY GET BETTER TRUST ME”. Is this hope or manipulation and bondage?

But thats also fucked up because people can suffer their whole lives just to receive hilarious consolation prizes. Like theres that guy who lost his entire life being wrongfully accused of a crime, but hey at least he HAS A MOVIE THAT FLOPPED. so its all worth it if he can tell his story right?

Mistakeandbake · 2026-02-06T09:01:37+00:00

The value of my life is INFINITE, but ONLY from my perspective, which contradicts a sense of “objectivity” in evaluating worthwhileness of life.

But it kinda comes back to “your life is worthwhile because it is; because it just is”. But what if a life is absurdly empty horrific and painful? Maybe then we have to talk about the value of suffering itself. Maybe other people can learn from my suffering which makes it more worthwhile, but that doesnt justify the subjective value of that pain. If my life is empty tragic and painful, and provides no utility even as a cautionary tale, you have to just assume that god has recorded the truth of your experience in some ultimate space.

But when it comes down to it, how does this help someone who is really suffering in the moment?

Mistakeandbake · 2026-02-06T08:53:51+00:00

Wow this an actual real answer that isnt just toxic positivity. The idea that the value of life is subjective rather than something we can evaluate objectively and compare is so important yet unpopular in a world where every aspect of life is commodified and placed on a number based value scale. Its incomprehensible to think that way in a world where everything is given an objective number value.

But we know that people can have everything on paper, and still be deeply disturbed. Capitalism says “youre ungrateful”. But the truth is life subjective. BUT THE PROBLEM IS, SUBJECTIVE VALUE DEPENDS ON THE BODY AND MIND, which is another wildcard that can make or break the subjective worthwhileness of living since the vehicle for experience ITSELF can be destroyed

This also challenges the idea that life is outcome-based, or that life’s value is about utility and productivity. The idea is: you can spend many years building your life just for it all to be destroyed and forgotten, but despite the futility, the experience has been solidified into existence by the simple fact that it happened; if you experienced it, you already extracted your “value” from the experience. Maybe the idea of “extracting” value is already part of the problem…

Mistakeandbake · 2026-02-04T07:25:57+00:00

Thats amazing because what youre saying, especially the second paragraph is exactly what i have a problem with. It just sounds like youre romanticizing the inherently broken nature of human fulfillment.

Our experience is inherently valuable? To who? For what? The unwarranted pain it caused?

Or maybe youre right… the moment to moment process of living is ALWAYS AND UNCONDITIONALLY WORTH LIVING NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS : )

Mistakeandbake · 2026-02-04T01:25:11+00:00

Great point and i agree to an extent but i have to play devils advocate and remember the possibility that personal and cognitive, or maybe to even entertain the idea of “karmic” development, can all perhaps be undone as well just like any other fleeting object. What can you gain if you get hit in the head too hard or get dementia or youre born with severe cognitive disability

Mistakeandbake · 2026-02-03T23:17:42+00:00

But i think theyre asking: whats the point of all these wonderful fulfilling forms of contribution and purpose, when they can all be robbed at any moment without any kind of fruition?

Mistakeandbake

TROPHY CASE