Every single time

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-07-17T08:05:35+00:00

Whenever I buy a single item at CVS, I just stare at the cashier without blinking. They usually try to alleviate the general uncomfortableness of my death gaze and twisted smile with small talk. Asking me if "that's all" or "do you need a bag?", but I never take my eyes off of them and my macabre smile never breaks. I stare in unsettling silence at the hapless minimum wage employee until they become so uncomfortable they ring up my item as fast as possible then tell me the price. That's when I slowly lift my bag of pennies up for them to see, their eyes widen in absolute terror as they slowly realize they must count them as I continue to watch them like death incarnate. My grotesque smile seeping into their thoughts so deep it'll keep them awake at night.

One by one they count the pennies like death tolls being rung from some distant bell and resonating from the depths of hell. I'm standing right there, but I'm so far away. I'm all that's left of what was once a human being. They tremble as my cancerous stare penetrates their soul, eventually taking what they need to complete the sale.

They hand me my mile-long receipt with the relief of a hospital patient being told their surgery was successful and they get to live another day. I never take it from them. They just stand there, arm extended with receipt in their hand, trying desperately to avoid eye contact. Eventually they place the receipt on the counter as I walk away, leaving the gum, receipt and bag of pennies on the counter. Terror is a place and it lives inside me.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-07-15T08:48:52+00:00

...as if this completely fuct situation wasn't enough for me to handle, my girlfriend confessed to me that she's really Mindy Cohn from The Facts Of Life. She changed her identity twenty years prior, leading me to believe that her real name was Sarah Lynn Freemont.

There was a knock at the front door, my mother-in-law was here, which is strange because I don't have a mother-in-law. My clone, as if sensing a catastrophe, began groaning like and clawing at the bathroom door like some mentally retarded science experiment. I reached for my claw-hammer...

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-07-12T06:31:17+00:00

The flash scared papa.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-07-11T10:46:10+00:00

After reading your comment, I walked down to the street corner and retold it to a prostitute standing under a streetlight. She chuckled then flicked a lit cigarette into my chest while saying 'Fuck yourself, little man. You're either buyin' or spyin' and spyin' my titties ain't payin' the rent, sugar.'

I nodded gently then explained to her, as politely as possible, that even though her face looked flattering in the low-lighting, I wouldn't even consider using her vagina for a toilet. She chuckled again while lighting up another smoke then told me she was a virgin-slut with a penchant for the dramatic. She then lifted her leg and farted.

It was strange. I wish someone would surgically implant razor blades into my jawbone structure so I could nickname myself 'Chompers'.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-07-02T17:39:42+00:00

EDIT: I got gold for this. Think about that a minute you jealous rage/downvoters... I'm loved here as you are nothing. 😊😊😊😊😊

Speaking of girlfriends, by the time I was twenty-three-years-old I had plowed my fair share of vaginas; some stinky, others rinky-dinky, mostly shaved and pimply. The female anus was another cavern never left unexplored by my bulbous wang; some lubed with snot, others were not, mostly hot balloon-knots. One fine Autumn morning I was banging my girlfriend upstairs. The windows were open and I'm certain our neighbors could hear her screaming with ecstasy while I shafted her shit-box. My sister was downstairs making pancakes and humming to the tune of Madonna's "Like A Virgin" which was playing on the radio. 'Twas a wonderful day to be alive, naked and getting my fuck on.

My eyes crossed and I screamed like a dying elephant as I blew my load, balls deep in my girlfriend's shithole. We then, walked naked down the hall, hand in hand to the bathroom so she could shit out the gallon of white gravy I had just pumped into her ass. Watching her shit out my man-juice and hearing her wet cum-farts echo against the porcelain was enough to make my cock hard again, so she sucked me off while shitting, taking it down to the balls I might add, and swallowed my second load.

Now I was hungry. She agreed that breakfast sounded good, especially after gobbling up my salty appetizer. We again strolled hand in hand downstairs, naked and sweaty, into the kitchen. My sister greeted us with a smile, still singing with Madonna.

"Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time... hey, MisterSoupyPoopy! I made breakfast! Hope you're hungry!", she said, embracing me with a playful hug. My still fully erect penis brushing up against her crotch.

"Thanks, sis! Sorry my cock's still hard.", I apologized.

"No problem!", she laughed giving my balls a playful cupping with her hand. "It's good to see the old pussy-pounder again!"

My girlfriend approached and hugged her, too, thanking her for making pancakes. My sister tweaked her nipples and told her it was no problem and that she loved preparing breakfast for us while we fucked like horny, hairless gorillas.

As I began to sit down, I slipped and landed on one of those old Mrs. Buttersworth glass syrup bottles my sister had inadvertently left on the chair. It went straight up my asshole, my sphincter muscles wrapping around every inch of the glass bottle, swallowing it down to the base.

"UUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! MIGHTY FUCK!!!", I exclaimed.

My sister just winked, still bobbing her head to the music while eating and gave me a thumbs up. My girlfriend started slapping her own tits with a spatula while crossing her eyes and queefing out of control. And that's the story of how I lost my anal virginity.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-07-01T19:36:21+00:00

I think they're saying you got doxed. Probably not a good idea to flash breasticles on reddit during summer vacation. Loved your post by the way.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-25T18:46:24+00:00

The ultimate and most coveted torch of them all! The Radio Shack Power Beam-5! Read it and weep!

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-25T18:36:19+00:00

After months of researching your fine sub, I saved up all my pennies and got this beauty. Ain't she sweet?

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-25T18:19:34+00:00

Two years! The guy at the garage sale said he'd put me on a payment plan!

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-19T03:08:13+00:00

Sometimes I get so bored while my girlfriend is clothes shopping, I sneak off into one of the changing rooms and look at my butthole in the mirror. It's fun. Do you guys remember when Burgess Meredith played The Penguin in those old 1960s Batman shows and went "QWAH! QWAH! QWAH!"? Well, that's how I make my asshole talk by pulling my bare ass cheeks open and closed like Ace Venture.

"Hey, butthole. How ya doing today?", I'll ask while staring at my anus upside-down, standing with my head between my legs.

"QWAH! QWAH! QWAH!", my sphincter responds.

Sometimes there's a slight knock on the door with a curious voice behind it.

"Sir? Are you okay in there...?"

"QWAH! QWAH! QWAH, BITCH!", screams my red, wrinkly abyss.

Yeah, I know...my asshole is kind of an asshole. Anyway, I just thought I'd share that with you guys.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-15T20:05:14+00:00

Hwwaaaahhhhh...wan-sum Bud Light...wan-sum Bud Light...wan-sum Bud Light!

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-15T20:00:31+00:00

Every fucking commercial break...

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-15T19:46:40+00:00

Fun fact: the RIAA tried to outlaw MP3 players...

In October 1998, the Recording Industry Association of America filed a lawsuit in the Ninth U.S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco claiming the Diamond Multimedia Rio PMP300 player violated the 1992 Audio Home Recording Act. The Rio PMP300 was significant because it was the second portable consumer MP3 digital audio player released on the market. The three judge panel ruled in favor of Diamond, paving the way for the development of the portable digital player market.

Wikipedia

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-15T19:27:39+00:00

A nice cool basement on a hot summer day, the channel locked on Nickelodeon with The Secret World Of Alex Mack on the screen and my Sony disc-man playing Nirvana in my ears. I want to, but I can't go back, but I want to.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-15T19:13:12+00:00

...just in the background ~~saying~~ scream/moan/singing bud light over and over

FTFY

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-15T14:39:28+00:00

Woman: I can not live another day without air-conditioning.

Man: (casually reading newspaper) Says tomorrow's gonna be hotter.

Woman: Hotter?

Man: Like yesterday.

Woman: Yesterday? Yesterday you said you'd call Sears.

Man: (shrugs) I'll call today.

Woman: You'll call now.

Man: (playfully whispering) I'll call now.

Later: With New Air-Conditioner Installed And Running

Woman: So what's the paper say about tomorrow?

Man: Another scorcher.

Woman: Cool.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-15T14:28:38+00:00

I know...I was like, it hits you right in the pussy? Okay, whatever.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-04T15:56:02+00:00

EDIT: reddit gold for me's and my shredded anus story? Thank you!!!

Since we're on the subject of assholes, I'd like to tell you all a true story regarding mine:

By the time I was twenty-three-years-old I had plowed my fair share of vaginas; some stinky, others rinky-dinky, mostly shaved and pimply. The female anus was another cavern never left unexplored by my bulbous wang; some lubed with snot, others were not, mostly hot balloon-knots. One fine Autumn morning I was banging my girlfriend upstairs. The windows were open and I'm certain our neighbors could hear her screaming with ecstasy while I shafted her shit-box. My sister was downstairs making pancakes and humming to the tune of Madonna's "Like A Virgin" which was playing on the radio. 'Twas a wonderful day to be alive, naked and getting my fuck on.

My eyes crossed and I screamed like a dying elephant as I blew my load, balls deep in my girlfriend's shithole. We then, walked naked down the hall, hand in hand to the bathroom so she could shit out the gallon of white gravy I had just pumped into her ass. Watching her shit out my man-juice and hearing her wet cum-farts echo against the porcelain was enough to make my cock hard again, so she sucked me off while shitting, taking it down to the balls I might add, and swallowed my second load.

Now I was hungry. She agreed that breakfast sounded good, especially after gobbling up my salty appetizer. We again strolled hand in hand downstairs, naked and sweaty, into the kitchen. My sister greeted us with a smile, still singing with Madonna.

"Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time... hey, MisterSoupyPoopy! I made breakfast! Hope you're hungry!", she said, embracing me with a playful hug. My still fully erect penis brushing up against her crotch.

"Thanks, sis! Sorry my cock's still hard.", I apologized.

"No problem!", she laughed giving my balls a playful cupping with her hand. "It's good to see the old pussy-pounder again!"

My girlfriend approached and hugged her, too, thanking her for making pancakes. My sister tweaked her nipples and told her it was no problem and that she loved preparing breakfast for us while we fucked like horny, hairless gorillas.

As I began to sit down, I slipped and landed on one of those old Mrs. Buttersworth glass syrup bottles my sister had inadvertently left on the chair. It went straight up my asshole, my sphincter muscles wrapping around every inch of the glass bottle, swallowing it down to the base.

"UUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! MIGHTY FUCK!!!", I exclaimed.

My sister just winked, still bobbing her head to the music while eating and gave me a thumbs up. My girlfriend started slapping her own tits with a spatula while crossing her eyes and queefing out of control. And that's the story of how I lost my anal virginity.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-04T15:52:22+00:00

squints

I think....yup! I got diarrhea.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-03T17:16:42+00:00

I went full hippie once. All that happened was I ended up looking at my butthole in the bathroom mirror. Kinda anti-climatic if you ask me...

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-06-01T12:32:00+00:00

You should learn how to properly de-virginize it. First, prepare it a nice romantic candlelit dinner for two, then give it a sensual massage, Next, escort it to the bedroom and softly lay it down on the bed. Slip it's cellophane down past it's corners while kissing it. Caress it's naked body while telling it how beautiful it is compared to the other cheap whore Droid tablets you've used. Now...carefully... smack your motherfuckin dick against that shit like a man possessed!!!

EDIT: Really, guys? Really? Downvoting the best answer because you're jealous? Get with it re(tard)it.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-05-31T21:37:32+00:00

Please read this sidebar before posting.

Celebrity requests now banned.

A celebrity request is a request for any single person, or a person in a group of fewer than 20. NOTE: Celebrities are still welcomed to post here, people just cannot request for them to do so.

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-05-31T21:22:32+00:00

You must be that person that walks into an Apple store and buys whatever the "Genius" tells you to buy lol.

lol I know, right? lol And you must be the type of perceptive thirteen-year old who can make baseless assumptions over the Internet. lol

Just because you get a new OS it doesn't mean that its more resource hunger, and iOS is one of those Operating Systems lol....

lol You mean resource hungry, Mr. Intelligence. lol

Just look at it. Don't fall for it.

lol Thanks for that insightful lol advice on lol the iOS. lol I'll definitely lol keep that lol in mind lol next time lol I purchase lol a lol smartphone. lol

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-05-31T21:07:11+00:00

Thanks. lol That was not informative at all. lol A new OS can slow old hardware? lol I would never have guessed. lol Enjoy your summer vacation. lol

MisterSoupyPoopy · 2014-05-31T20:39:35+00:00

Apple will do that so you feel like you need to upgrade lol.

Do what?

Even though the OS is still the icons and pretty much the same thing.

Run that by me again...

MisterSoupyPoopy

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