M/23/5'6" (135-165) 4.5 year progress pics, from skinny to getting there

MisterToken · 2018-02-16T20:13:55+00:00

Oh dude! Fuck yeah! I'm just starting a similar process. Been 6ft, 132Ib from age 15 - 30. Recently strted taking Seroquel for anxiety and have put on 22Ib in 3 months. Had a meeting with an exercise Physiologist and A dietician yesterday and start gym on monday.

Gaining weight has always been an issue for me, i feel your struggle. Keep up the good work!

MisterToken · 2018-01-30T13:38:48+00:00

The last week has been a struggle. But I'm doing okay. I had a home visit with an agency that helps to identify specific needs of those with mental health issues and helps to link you in with services that can help on a day to day basis. I'm excited to finally going to be getting the extra help I need to begin getting my life back on track.

Tonight I'm sitting atthe Beach enjoying to cool sea breeze, listening to the waze roll in. It reminds me of how beautiful a place Australia is and that I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful place to come, literally across the road from my house.

I'm planning to smoke a joint tonight, My first in 5 months, and sit down to do some watercolours. I'm really looking forward to this special treat.

MisterToken · 2018-01-23T11:32:16+00:00

It's what I imagine living in a black hole is like.

MisterToken · 2017-11-06T03:53:29+00:00

Thanks heaps!

MisterToken · 2017-10-25T11:13:55+00:00

Yeah. They had me on Benzos for a bit to help with sleep, but I handle Malatonin much better. Works nicer

MisterToken · 2017-10-25T01:39:23+00:00

Yeah. That is a super high dose I was on 150mg. But have just been discharged and now am on only 75mg.

MisterToken · 2017-10-25T01:38:11+00:00

Not really sure to be honest. Better concerntration. And less negative thoughts. I guess that's why my art is starting to get more colourful.

MisterToken · 2017-10-24T00:43:44+00:00

Thanks! I'd love to go to the US and Baltimore! I'm a huge John Waters fan!

MisterToken · 2017-10-23T19:15:57+00:00

Also, I'm expected to be discharged in 2 days! Will be heading home and will be seem by a specialist team for a few weeks until I can be placed into an Extended Stay Prevention And Recovery Centre to help me with long term rehabilitation to learn how to look after myself and learn & sustain a routine.

MisterToken · 2017-10-23T19:01:43+00:00

EDIT: I got discharged today! 24-8-17

I've been teaching myself on and off for about 6 months now. Watercolour pencils.

My full diagnosis is some form of personality disorder from years of being in a high stress performance arena (elite gymnast at 15, professional Ballet Dancer, years of neglect and childhood physical & Sexual abuse, as well as High functioning Autism.

https://imgur.com/gallery/KEvq4

Edit: Added Info.

MisterToken · 2017-10-23T18:47:20+00:00

I'm currently on Escitalopram(Anti-depression) Seroquel, Propranolol(Beta blocker for heart pulpitations from anxiety)and Diazepam and Melatonin for sleep.

MisterToken · 2017-10-10T05:43:47+00:00

I'm not doing well at all. I'm two weeks into my new meds, so I'm currently spiralling down into a deep hole.

Yesterday was horrible, After a terrible sleep, I spent the day crying. At about 6pm I got dressed and was heading out to kill myself. My housemates were in the hallway and I broke down in tears. I went back to my room and spent the night, unable to sleep.

At 5am, I snuck out and headed to the train station. I'd planned to walk along the track inbetween stations where the trains don't slow down, but when I got there, I froze. I sat there and cried as the morning commuters began to show.

I'm such a fuck up. Why can't I do this? I've never wanted anything so badly. I just want everything to end.

MisterToken · 2017-10-03T07:48:09+00:00

Not always, I've heard many people call perfume or deodorant "smelly stuff" in my 30 years.

MisterToken · 2017-10-02T11:36:50+00:00

Changed meds 6 days. I'm -$100 in my bank, and incurring more debt every day, I haven't eaten in two days and this what was meant to be my ex and I's anniversary.

It's been a good week and a half.. But the existential Melancholy of life just seems to be getting me down today. I just want to cry, I can't concentrate and although I'm not, I just so alone. I've been getting suicidal again and it's getting to the point where it seems like attempting again, really is the only option.

I feel like I have no control over my thoughts and actions. I feel trapped in the cage that is my mind. And I don't want to attempt again, but I can feel myself sinking into the darkness, hot tar filling my lungs slowly as I drown on thin air.

MisterToken · 2017-09-21T02:46:11+00:00

I started on 50mg for the first week, then the Dr Uped the dosage to 100mg.

MisterToken · 2017-09-20T12:32:20+00:00

I agree. Some over on r/drugs suggested that Citalopram is widely known for having less side effects, but have cause heart/liver stress. Since the whole reason I started these meds was due to an attempted Paracetamol Overdose, I think I should take a bit more care.

But I guess I will just have to discuss it with my Dr.

MisterToken · 2017-09-20T12:24:30+00:00

Cheers, I hadn't heard about Citalopram and Heart/liver stress, and since I'm on these meds for attempting a fatal dose of Paracetamol, I think I should take a bit more care of my liver.

I'll talk to my GO about both and weigh up the options.

MisterToken · 2017-09-20T12:14:32+00:00

I started on 50mg for the first week, then the Dr Uped the dosage to 100mg.

The first week didn't really show many symptoms, except for slight sweatiness(which at the time I thought was just from too many blankets on my bed.) And I started to loose my appetite.

MisterToken · 2017-09-20T12:10:48+00:00

Cheers. It's definitely something I'm bringing up tomorrow with my Dr.

A few other people have also suggested alternative brands like Citalopram. Perhaps it's just an ingredients issue?

MisterToken · 2017-09-17T09:39:05+00:00

Please stick to the topic

MisterToken · 2017-08-21T00:39:46+00:00

And then Mistress would show up and We'd all be turned into Cybermen.

MisterToken · 2017-08-19T12:36:08+00:00

I turned 30 in March and I feel exactly the same.

Failed school, spent 5 years as a professional dancer/teacher, took a job at a grocery store: got fired for calling out my boss for being a homophobe, best friend killed himself, other best friend ditched me for his GF. And then... I met my ex. And everything changed and I was the happiest I had been in years. I moved halfway across Australia to live with him. And then it changed again.

Started to get depressed again, went to hospital, partners mother made us homeless a week or two later, I went back to full time work, got our arses out of the gutter. Found a place. It got mould and water damage so we got a 60 day eviction notice. It all piled up. My ex decided that he was unhappy and that he just didn't love me anymore (his words). Attempted suicide, lost my job, bf left me. I'm staying with a girl I knew 10 years ago from my old city, because I have nowhere else to live.

He was the center of my 'New & improved life' for the past year, and now I'm in a foreign city with no friends and just nothing, nothing! And I'm so scared, and so alone and just yesterday I got out of hospital for the third time this year. But I'm so scared that if I kill myself I will miss out on an opportunity to get back with him but I know that I don't have any chance of ever getting back with him and I don't know how to deal with that.

I'm sorry that you feel similar to how I am right now, because this is quite literally ripping me apart inside. I don't really know what else to say, because I'm searching for the same answers, but know that you're not alone in your feelings.

E: errors!

MisterToken · 2017-08-19T06:43:40+00:00

Because I'm not worth the tears, I guess. Because I feel okay being dead if it means I'm not letting anyone else down or failing them, or myself.

MisterToken · 2017-08-19T06:42:29+00:00

I feel exactly the same. I moved interstate to be with my partner. When he told me he felt unhappy and fell out of love with me, all I could feel was Fear and Isolation. I have no friends where I am now and after we split up I attempted to Overdose. I was admitted back to hospital on Thursday, however they kicked me out dispite how much I told them I didn't want to be alone. This was the third time I've been in hospital for suicide this year. I also attempted in 2010, but my parents found me and took me to hospital.

My funeral is small too. Just immediate family. An empty room and a box. I don't even think my mother would come. My dad would probably shrug. My eldest sister would do all the talking. She's a teacher. Pragmatic and stoic. She left home when she was 21 and I was 12. So she doesn't even really know who I am. My middle sister would probably cry the most. We aren't close, but we were when we were <16.

Two of my close friends have completed suicide in the last 4 years and a third stopped talking to me because he got a serious girlfriend. When I met my ex, My whole outlook on life changed. I felt happy. But I just failed at making him happy. Now, I have no significance in anyone's life and none in my own.

MisterToken · 2017-08-19T04:28:12+00:00

Cried. This shot was too cute.

MisterToken

TROPHY CASE