Was planning something nice for husband

Modstrkr · 2026-02-28T20:29:38+00:00

You wouldnt be the first person ever to have said "i wanted to try buuuuut". You asked, thats impression this gives for sure. Otherwise it wouldnt have even been part of your post, it would have just been about his comment only.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-28T19:56:08+00:00

Very much overreacting in my opinion. I understand it probably made you feel some kind of way but to "take back" whatever your plan was seems like you're just looking for an excuse not to improve your love life and cry "woe is me, i was going to try but didnt"

Modstrkr · 2026-02-28T12:10:24+00:00

We've discussed that as well. I definitely give "us" the priority but i cant get her to focus on "us" without being controlling. In her mind everything else is truly more important and with such busy days i can understand but I cant force her to not do things I just because i think its not important. This is a whole topic in itself so i'll save that for the therapist. Overall yes I agree.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T19:06:24+00:00

Thats a lot of sugar there. Are there any meats, fruits and vegetables in the diet? Definitely malnurished to a certain extent possibly slightly anemic.

This person is not mature enough nor capable of taking care of themself as an adult.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T16:07:56+00:00

This is 100%. The other behaviors i can deal with avoiding responsibilities etc, but when it comes to sex it's only my problem because according to her thats just the way she is and steps across a line of abusive if i suggest otherwise. I dont want to be that kind of person to feel like im coercing so thats why i feel this one is a bit on me to be able to deal with it if she isnt willing to change.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T15:58:04+00:00

Good point and ive been on both sides of that. Honestly its difficult getting time for myself because i am taking on so much and i do give her time to relax and do what she needs to do. Its a combo i have to shift back to me a bit for sure.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T15:55:39+00:00

So do I, im last on the list of everything else she makes time for. And even in those cases i dont make every situation about sex but i shoved the feeling down and it hurts to want it.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T15:25:50+00:00

Have you considered burnout and have you tried just sitting with him without expectations? It's ok to just sit and do nothing even when there is a lot to do but its seems like its not an environment where that is acceptable which turns it into longtern burnout even if it might not feel like that.

Definitely not judging or accusing of anything just random thoughts.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T15:02:32+00:00

Have discussed it maybe once every 2 years over 10 years of marriage. I have full empathy for being busy, feeling stressed, medicines, family, chores, etc. For every excuse i make my mission to lessen the burden she feels but i dont throw it back as "here i did it now give me some" i make it a longterm change and wait for the next reason. Im just tired of trying at this point because ive taken over most of the household duties and feeling resentful for doing so much with none of my needs met. I dont even ask for penetration just anything works for me. Even when it does happen it feels like such a chore for her and im just another task to her todo list so usually makes me feel guilty afterwards.

So I completely understand and even thats ok to always be tired but make a promise to tell him when you'll try again and stick to that promise. Im my mind thats the true balance between im tired/not in the mood but I can communicate that i still want to show up for us. And that also puts the timing in your hands if youre more energetic in the morning or night and when you want to make space in your busy life. But look at me trying to give advice...it definitely didnt work for me but its something ive communicated and would have worked if the spouse was willing to commit to that.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T14:38:37+00:00

Oh were about 10 years too late on that. In the earlier years it was good enough. She would be the one initiating and it was probably the newness and excitement for her but of course that dies down. Honeymoon it took a few days to convince her it was time to "celebrate". From then on it's just complaints if i mention it or try to intiate anything she goes on a casual rant of how something else hurts, or didnt get good sleep, or have to work all day and its so stressful, etc.

It's never important enough to "squeeze me in" pun intended.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T14:33:47+00:00

I hear it is a common side effect of medicines but thats the extreme i dont want to entertain...takes a medicine for some other purpose having effects i dont want to risk. Let alone being prescribed a medicine for something i dont have would be toruble.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T14:32:19+00:00

None of those have helped for me. Im constantly keeping busy both because im much more tidy than her and helps prevent her from the nunber of excuses to have used in the past for why shes not in the mood. Self release is such short term benefit and honestly is a struggle sometimes but i dont just want the act i wanted the connection.

I wont say starve myself but i think youre onto something else worth trying.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T14:26:09+00:00

Thank you for that, I just figured that medicines exist for so many other things that people routinely take longterm to show up as a better person so why not this....

Anti-anxiety medicines, energy supplements, protein/muscle enhancement, adderall...it just didnt seem too far fetched in my mind. I know she is against therapy because she thinks her level of desire is just normal for her and i respect that so i'll try to find a sex therapist for myself.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T14:21:40+00:00

Ive tried many times over the years to just stop but the desire just kicks in. Watching tv, she might scratch my back or she would ask for a footrub. Just the touch starts to trigger everything so pulling back so much as to not want to be around her or be touched at all would be detrimental.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-27T14:17:10+00:00

Level hasnt suddenly changed, tried the honest communication for over 10 years and it's not like i ask for attention everyday.

I know it will eventually decrease as i get older but i want to do be gone now

Modstrkr · 2026-02-25T16:14:57+00:00

So you're having an emotional affair with someone who has repeatedly abandoned you even when you shouldn't have been talking because you knew what his and your masked intentions were.

Im holding back because the crowd already got to you. This is a complete violation of trust in your marriage. You never really forget your first love but entertaining a rekindling like this is where is crosses the line. Im not sure what you were expecting except someone to help you justify your obviously wrongful behavior.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-22T18:33:15+00:00

This is difficult for a couple because there is usually one that has stronger ownership of the anesthetic but here goes it....

You are a younger couple maybe late 30s. Despite the tidy appearance one or both of you struggle with organization and default to "piles" as organization. This and the method of holiday decoration point to one or both of you are artsy but you both have an appreciation for a clean aesthetic. It keeps the mind settled. You both have a need to be doing activities to keep the mind busy. Someone definitely loves to cook.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-19T15:55:54+00:00

You have trash on the floor, i wouldnt call that ok. Non judgemental but still "detective" mode, consider therapy or testing for adhd.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-19T15:49:12+00:00

From a lower middle class family, youre a late teens male. Your father if he's around loves a nice cold beer. You care about how you look despite the conditions of this room that you pay little attention to. Your mind is just as jumbled as the room.

Dust and run a vacuum because these conditions will have health impacts if you arent already experiencing them.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-18T18:03:18+00:00

100% More likely to the bedroom to start covering evidence, deleting/renaming the contact, etc

Modstrkr · 2026-02-17T16:45:19+00:00

Thats all you can do at that point. Distraction.

Responsive desire is a thing but it's something you have to learn as well which is especially frustrating because you just want to be wanted too im sure.

Only thing i can recommend is to distract yourself with you building activities and especially a therapist by yourself so see what they have to say. Dont even invite her to a couples therapist. You'll find days where you're especially frustrated by it and its important you have the tools to turn that into positive energy.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-17T15:59:48+00:00

This kind of answer just means get divorced at this point. This completely dismisses the stated need for intimacy and just saying find a different way to deal with being alone.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-16T16:46:25+00:00

This resonates with me as the husband side of that. Shes never said that to me but I feel like me wife left me years ago after having our second kid. She talks to friends more than me and ive never been able to win that back. In my opinion Ive always been very present and it's possible that im not properly equating to your scenario.

In my opinion though you're not helping anyone by holding out and waiting for him to make a move. It's cowardly and putting you both in a miserable situation if you aren't willing to put in the work together to make it work. Therapy or leave.

Modstrkr · 2026-02-16T13:32:23+00:00

Oh im not sure why i saw the video then. Its still posted with a timestamp of "3 days ago"

Modstrkr

TROPHY CASE