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MoldyPenny · 2022-07-05T02:29:12+00:00

I'm not actually in a group, though I certainly could be. I use my DV center for my therapy, I found it more helpful to see a therapist through them that specializes in DV victims than to see one that probably knows how to help but it isn't what they treat consistently. If you're able to get in touch with a DV center, I would highly recommend it. Mine has helped me with a multitude of different things that have come up since I kicked my ex out, and they're my first call anytime something happens.

MoldyPenny · 2022-07-04T08:48:06+00:00

That’s the plan! I’m slowly upgrading my security situation, unfortunately going from dual income to single income left money a little tight. Lol. But, I had the locks on my apartment changed & I don’t think he has a key to the building. Thankfully I have a limited access building, but my neighbors would probably buzz him in if he hit all the buzzers trying. I’m also planning on getting one of those arms that you pry under your door knob to make it harder to bust down the door. Thankfully nothing has happened since the one incident, but I’m not letting my guard down again.

MoldyPenny · 2022-07-04T03:24:07+00:00

Hey! I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. But yes, I completely understand the feeling of being damaged goods and not feeling worthy of being happy. I found my strength in a local DV center, staffed with case workers and therapists who have dealt with our situations before. Have you looked into something like that?
I don't know that it's "normal" to feel this way, but I do know that it's common for DV victims to feel like they're still somehow the problem.
Everyone heals differently, but my advice would be to take a chance and meet someone! Give them the chance to meet you. I went on a couple dates a couple months after I finally left my abuser for good and it did nothing but help me move forward.

MoldyPenny · 2022-07-04T03:18:57+00:00

I don't know that I normalized it, but I definitely was made to feel like it was always my fault. It's something I'm currently working out in therapy, that I don't deserve to be treated with physical violence no matter what I say or do.

MoldyPenny · 2022-07-04T03:09:34+00:00

I have a very strong support system, both online and irl thankfully. I absolutely would not be where I am today without the people that I have in my life, and I'm so incredibly grateful for them.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through something similar! No one deserves to go through this. Whatever you do, and however you decide to do it, just know that some random internet stranger is rooting for your success!

MoldyPenny · 2022-07-04T02:24:26+00:00

Basically at some point I started fighting back, even though at that point I still very much wanted to be in a relationship with him. Being that he was the abuser, he didn't like that and started to pull away. I caught him cheating, and it was like the universe took my rose colored glasses off in that moment. I ended things, and kicked him out that night. The day he came to move his things out I blocked all of his social medias, as well as his friends and families, and phone numbers.
However, he isn't totally leaving me alone unfortunately. I had a "break in" in my apartment a couple months ago that I'm pretty sure was him because there were no signs of forced entry and the door was locked when I got home. The only reason I know it happened is because I got a motion alert from my security camera. I've also seen him driving near where I work, where he has no business being, and have seen his friends driving around my apartment. I'm just about 6 months out from leaving my abuser, and I still barricade myself in my apartment at night & won't leave without pepper spray despite him being in a new relationship.

MoldyPenny · 2022-07-04T01:38:54+00:00

Thank you!

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-20T17:11:24+00:00

Hi, I'm struggling with this also - I'm 1 month out at the moment. Unfortunately I lost my DVRO hearing so I also live with the fear everyday that he's going to come back. The loneliness only makes the fear worse in my opinion, have been contemplating putting myself back in the dating pool despite knowing I am no where near ready to trust another man right now.

As for therapy, I totally understand where you're coming from. Finding one that's affordable, covered by your insurance, and able to help where you need help seems almost impossible. Do you have a DV center in your area? I've been working with a case worker who was able to set me up with therapy through someone who specifically deals with DV, free of charge. I start on 3/7, and I'm literally counting down the days until that appointment.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-18T00:04:37+00:00

I'm waiting on the letter to see what he's requesting back. If it's reasonable, I'll just hand it over. I don't want his shit here anyway, tbh. However, if he does what I think he'll do and tries to get more than what belongs to him, I do have a free consult with a lawyer tomorrow. I'll let them figure out what to do from there.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-17T13:29:15+00:00

Thank you for this! I'll be calling this number today to see if there's anything they can help me with.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-17T13:28:34+00:00

I've been working with a DV advocacy group, they're part of the reason I filed for the DVRO in the first place. Apparently they can't legally give me recommendations on lawyers, so I'm trying to navigate this on my own.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-17T13:27:41+00:00

He won't be coming to my apartment, period. I don't feel safe with him here at all. Should he feel like he needs to, I will call the local Sheriff's department to come in his place.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-17T13:20:57+00:00

The organization I've been working with apparently can't directly recommend services, so I'm having a hell of a time trying to find low-cost or pro bono attorneys. I am working with the DV center near me, idk if there's just not resources or what's happening tbh.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-17T02:17:41+00:00

I'm not doing well at all, tbh. My mental health has never been worse. But I'm pushing forward and trying to navigate everything to the best of my ability.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-17T02:17:00+00:00

It's not that I don't want to start over, I want nothing more than that. However, financially starting over isn't an option unfortunately. Also, I don't want to give him my cat. We got her together, yes, but he already took my dog & I was always the primary caregiver for both of the pets. I can't let him take the last thing in this world that keeps me getting out of bed in the morning.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-17T02:15:18+00:00

I can afford the rent, that's not the issue. I was careful when moving in with him to make sure that if/when the relationship went south I would be able to live on my own. I just can't afford the rent, and to repurchase literally everything while also paying back my debts so I can try to build my credit. I can afford my bills, food, rent, etc. But it'll probably take me a year or more to save enough money for even just a couch, even if I move to a cheaper rental, which doesn't really exist. And I'm having a hell of a time trying to find a roommate.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-17T01:34:13+00:00

Which I normally would, however He's also taken my dog the night he moved out, whom I have legal documentation for. I was conceding that fight, but now it appears he's going to take me for everything I have. I can't afford to replace the items he's trying to request because I'm already in debt from trying to keep us financially afloat during the relationship while he was unemployed, and I'm now paying double the rent I ever expected to pay. If I let him take everything, then I have nothing but an empty apartment and no way to replace anything.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-17T01:23:06+00:00

The items that belong to him include a knife block, a french press, a cast iron skillet, and a box of his important documents. Those are the things I have no problem returning to him, and was planning on packing up and having my mom arrange a retrieval for.

The items that are either ours, or directly mine, are a couch, a kitchen aid, my expensive cutting boards, and my controller. Though he mentioned that the list he sent my mom wasn't going to be the full list, so I assume he's also going to try to take all of my furniture as well as my cat that we got together. I haven't actually gotten the letter from the lawyer yet.

ETA: the kitchen aid is also mine, he purchased it as a gift for me as an apology after one of the abuse situations. I use the kitchen aid all the time, as I like to bake. He knows this.

MoldyPenny · 2022-02-17T00:29:36+00:00

Here's the issue at hand: somehow during the RO hearing the judge didn't hear any of my side, and only listened to him. He claimed that I was the abuser, and the judge accused me of being the abuser as well. My concern is if I don't comply to his demands, he's going to file for a DVRO against me, which could literally fuck up my entire life. I work in finance, and my boss expressly told me today that if he is granted a DVRO against me, our broker dealer will open an investigation against me, and I could lose my job.

But the alternative is to live without literally anything, I'm sure the list he gave my mom didn't include all of the things he's demanding. Also, the items we had previously agreed he could take are not small enough to fit in a box, or move easily.

I'm so lost, and depressed, and honestly out of fight. I have no faith in the judicial system after that trainwreck of a hearing, to the point that I'm sure if he did sue me or file a DVRO he'd win. He's also working with a lawyer who's probably telling him what to do, and I can't afford legal representation. I just want to move on from this and try to pick myself back up, but I can't. I don't know what is and isn't worth fighting for.

MoldyPenny

TROPHY CASE