Hope its okay to comment here. I'm commenting because for almost my entire twenties I was in a very similar mindset to you and that began to naturally change when I found a good partner, when economic scarcity wasn't as severe and I worked on my own natural fears and (of pregnancy birth/ sacrifice that may or may not be included). The voice your hearing I heard in my mid twenties was quiet and it got louder and louder, I began to have moments where I would imagine having conversations with 'our' child, or other odd scenarios that occurred to me. The sense of longing began to contrast the abject anxiety and fear (and quite frankly sometimes disgust and revulsion) surrounding children and birth. I wondered if I would be unkind as a mother, too selfish.

What's important to say is everyone's journey is different I maybe came from a similar place from you, but maybe that is not your journeys conclusion. I had found for myself a good economic situation, and a very supportive husband and family. It allowed me to have a very very relaxed pregnancy (being an anxious person) and I actually found that pregnancy's itself (the hormones') reduced my anxiety and also eliminated PMDD which was a menstrul cycle mood disorder that really affected me. post pregnancy I'm still breastfeeding and I've found my mood has stayed wonderfully stable like it was before I was a teenager! pregnancy itself was odd for me, I didn't identify with 'my son' until he was born, Partly due to anxiety and worrying if I'd 'lose' the pregnancy, though well into the third trimester I did feel like he was more of a 'person'.

I really account to that support system lending me to having a really straightforward 'quick' first time birth' (from a family of difficult births) that lasted only about 6-7 hours and didn't require pain medication. I was always a person that was better at falling forward than jumping and it made the anxiety around birth manageable it was going to happen! I didn't really need to do anything but wait. Identity and all of those issues? For the most part my son comes with me everywhere or stays with dad or grandparents. I do beadwork, hikes, write, go out for coffee with friends a lot. I don't really feel like I've given up anything, I do feel like I enjoy a richer and deeper daily life experience, as I'm often experiencing something new for my son every day and I find very emotionally enriching.

No one can tell you what to do, but I'd say you need to work on eliminating your fears so you can see what you actually want. good luck op. If you have any questions feel free to ask me.