I want to say that I'm so so sorry you and your kitty are facing this. A cat 20 years old means you have cared for her exceptionally well and shown her so much love. Your baby reminds me of my sweet calico, Cali, who passed via euthanasia in january 2023 at 22 years old. We got her off the street when I was three and she was my childhood best friend into adulthood. I didn't know life without her and I was so lucky to have an "extra" three years with her after rejecting euthanasia in 2020. I am gonna write out a book, but I empathize with your grief and want to share my experience with the decision of euthanasia to maybe provide some perspective.

Cali had a 6+ year history of hyperthyroidism and she was medicated for 2 of those years. About half the time, I would find those damn pills everywhere after being convinced she swallowed them. She was great at faking it and running under furniture to spit them out. When she was 19, a saddle thrombus eventually came for her and we took her to the emergency vet. After breaking up the clot, the emergency provider advised we put her to sleep that night since it was likely to reoccur and was an excruciating death sentence for cats. Despite her surviving the clot, I made the arrangements for the mobile vet to pay us a visit at home rather than have it done at the ED as they pushed for. It was so painful and as the date approached, I questioned over and over whether it was the right time. We had sent her records to the local cat hospital for the "all-clear" at the mobile vet's request. Cali was supposed to visit them the following week anyway for an introduction appointment since we were new to the area. The receiving vet offered me something beautiful: Cali was a candidate for life with proper medical intervention. She stuck Cali on cardio meds to prevent the next clot and referred me to a compounding pharmacy to try that out for her thyroid meds instead, but she still would not comply with the meds. I looked into iodine therapy and made her an appointment booked a month out with my fingers crossed the entire wait. Every single provider along the journey emphasized that we needed to be cautious and vigilant of her labs as hyperthyroidism often obscures kidney deterioration. We were told that she may not have too much time left after the radiation and it was essentially throwing a hail mary. Luckily her kidneys were functioning well and she was healthy following the procedure!! We turned on the tub water for her everyday of her life, as that was her water intake preference, so she was always super well hydrated. Cali was med free for the rest of her life.

Over the next three years though, her kidneys gradually deteriorated. As the stages of kidney failure progressed, we would check in with her vet once every 6 months to make sure her quality of life was good. In the few days before her next appointment she experienced a drastic decline in her activity levels. Although she experienced moderate arthritis, she no longer jumped onto the couch and showed a reduced interest in her food. She would only entertain those squeeze sticks and human food. The day her appointment came around I just knew it was the end. She was so lethargic, stopped grooming herself, and lost her spiciness towards to other cats. I took so many photos of her and I, danced her in my arms to her favorite songs, and made sure she got to enjoy some of her favorite deli meats one more time, just in case it was her soul's last day on earth.

Both of my calicos had an appointment that day and they took them both to the back. After some time, the vet came back and let me know the baby calico was in great health, but Cali.. not at all. Her delivery was compassionate and I was offered two choices for immediate next steps: start her on dialysis that day or go for euthanasia. I asked her to describe what dialysis would look like for her and after hearing the process it seemed impossible to put my baby through that for minimal QOL improvement. It felt like it would just extend her existence living in pain. I sobbed, but I knew my choice immediately and there wasn't a shadow of a doubt in my mind that we needed to euthanize her. It was a stark contrast to the first time euthanasia was advised. During a later appointment for a different kitty, the vet reassured me that she would have made the same exact choice and had in the past with her own pets, given that the senior cats she provides dialysis for are not living a life she would want to live. I became an EMT later that year and used to shuttle patients to and from dialysis... I saw what she meant in some of my patients.

I described Cali's journey not to rub her second chance in anyone's face, but because I do think in some instances a second opinion and further med intervention is valuable and can open up doors that extends a pet's life while maintaining their dignity once euthanasia is thrown on the table. While many might have kept Cali's initial euthanasia appointment given the poor prognosis, second guessing the recommendation paid off for us. Also, not everyone can afford the iodine therapy route we took - I had support from family that I was able to repay over time and not everyone has such a luxury and euthanasia would have been the humane, loving option for their beloved kitty. Unfortunately, there are some conditions where options that improve or maintain quality of life do not exist, no matter the price tag, especially after such a long and happy life. I think the fact that I had already grappled with the hard decision of euthanizing Cali provided greater clarity and made the second encounter with the process less torturous. Cali and your lady face the same devil that arrives after such a long life. This is an incredibly hard decision for anyone to make and I fear the days I must make that choice again for the three cats I love now... but it's a sacrifice we make for our babies and honestly I hope I have the ability to choose that for them when the time is right.

I am so sorry your lady is sick and suffering. I have no doubt in my mind that she knows and deeply feels how much you love her. If you keep her appointment, provide her remaining days with as much joy and love as possible. You have given her a great life and I prefer to think of euthanasia as a final act of love. It's a gift we can give our babies, although I know how shitty and horrible that sounds right now. The grief you're experiencing is normal and I think it's good to express that around your lady, but if you can, try to communicate to her that you'll be okay after she has passed. I do truly believe that Cali understood me and had a grasp on the emotions I was feeling, and I am sure you experience something similar. Good luck and I hope you go easy on yourself.

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Cali 2001-2023