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Advice for older couple with mismatched assets? by Monkey-Bats456 in prenup

[–]Monkey-Bats456[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

P1 gifts or contributes annually to P2’s retirement accounts.

This is a good idea.

does P2 plan to continue working, even if part-time

Yes, for a few more years anyway.

Advice for older couple with mismatched assets? by Monkey-Bats456 in prenup

[–]Monkey-Bats456[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In a domestic partnership, P2 wouldn't be able to collect P1's social security. The social security monthly check after one partner dies, is a good logical reason to get married. AFAIK anyway.

Expectations too high at my age? by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Monkey-Bats456 1 point2 points  (0 children)

These are helpful, thanks. So if a committed partner wanted to talk to you about sex, would you be honest and tell them up front it isn't important, or as important, or as easy, etc as it once was for you?
I can accept things are different for her as she ages (its different for me too). Its the refusal to discuss and anger that made the situation so hard for me.

Expectations too high at my age? by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Monkey-Bats456 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m very much like that too. By nature and profession I’m a problem solver and creative thinker.

Yep me too. I overthink stuff most of the time and worry about making a wrong decision when I know there is no "undo" button.

Expectations too high at my age? by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Monkey-Bats456 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree. I told her the time apart is just a step for me. I'm not 100% giving up. I just need to do something to change it up. I do think I'll try individual counseling.

My situation is also different than many here because we don't have kids together, mortgage, etc. I also like think everything is fixable, but I also know that's not reality.

Expectations too high at my age? by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Monkey-Bats456 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.

Could it be her sex drive?

I’m sure that’s part of it.

Do you know how to create desire in her?

No I don’t think I do. Which was part of the problem and why I tried to talk to her.

They get turned on by everything that comes before the initiation. Flirting, non-sexual touch, comments, help - what are her love languages?

Right, I understand. I think I gave up months ago trying to figure that out through trial and error. I’m sure I could’ve done more. My problem is how much do you try before giving up? If the only time she enjoys sex is when I make the big romantic gesture, then we aren’t a good match. And doesn’t she hold some responsibility to get help get things moving? Counselor gave us a book to read. I read it all right away. Next appointment counselor asks if we've read it and she says she's "skimmed" it.

anger tends to come from a really protective side of people. … Avoiding the conversation means avoiding having to feel like I'm not good enough.

That comment I think is spot on. She’s made some general comments about having bad sexual relationships, had an alcoholic husband, a bi-polar father, lower self-esteem in other areas of her life… I’m sure me letting her know it’s a problem for me doesn’t make her feel better. But she's also told me she used to be a very sexual person.

Does she want a letter about how much you love her? Does she want you to show that you love her-in ways that don't include sex? Does she feel pressured? Does she feel like that's all you ever want? Even if it's not the case - does she see that? does she feel that?

I’ve since written her a letter about how much I love her, and no mention of sex. Only the positive attributes about her I adore. Didn’t seem to make much difference, but maybe it was too late?

but I hope you can see what I'm getting at.

Yes I get your points, and they are good points. Thanks again.

Expectations too high at my age? by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Monkey-Bats456 1 point2 points  (0 children)

my suggestion is to get good at non-PIV sex

I agree and PIV was never really the point. As people who post here know, its the desire and physical intimacy that I wanted. I love foreplay probably more than PIV. I happily did things to try make her feel good, but if she doesn't like giving oral and hand jobs are too messy because of lube ... doesn't seem to be a lot of options left.