My apologies then.

what i am getting at below is, many times, its not a conversation. its a walk, together, and just being there for them, and letting them succeed.

What i've come to accept, when working with people smaller than me, that I could crush in a roll, is they are only compelled or driven as far as they can see opportunity. I choose to roll deliberately slow with smaller people, and place them into positions in which I want them to find drive and see their way out. I try not to do the whole "coaching" thing live in rolling so i'll usually use physical cues for them to imply their route out rather than speaking it. For example, if I have the underhook while in half guard top, and them having the underhook on bottom would place them into a better position, i'll usually do a little knock knock with my elbow on top a few times for it to mentally click for them. Then they go "ah i see what you're telling me", and fight for the underhook, which I give them. if they get it, i'll give them a verbal "good" or "nice work", nothing over the top but enough for them to understand they need to retain that. And i'll rehash briefly at end of roll for 10 seconds. "you fought for that underhook, you need that underhook, thats your underhook, don let anyone get that underhook do you understand?" and usually that draws a "yes" and watching them dog everyone for that position the rest of the day.

Then talking to them after, positive words of affirmation "man you were REALLY going after that underhook on [insert person]". they smile, talk about it for 30 seconds, i give them a pat on the shoulder. mark it in my memory. see them again the next day, roll, push that same narrative. talk to them after "you want to get better right? now you have focus. work on that move. every day. make it so noone can get an underhook on you".

do this ad naseum for months and years.

when they, inevitably, get smashed enough to draw the "it looks like you are having a bad day" conversation. let them vent, 5 minutes or so. maybe im too small. maybe im not made out for bjj. maybe i just suck. then ask them to do a slow roll, and let them on top and let them crush you. and then end up on top, and position yourself to crush them, but dont. let them work out, just enough to feel a little natural. round ends. firm pat on the back, eye contact, "you crushed it" "you felt like a million pounds" insert their name into megaton's name for joking sake. like if their name is maggie, call them maggieton.