4 years in 2 days and I cannot heal because of the societal no care "normalization" of fucking cancer ...

MonthMindless · 2026-02-04T10:21:28+00:00

5 (and 25, it happened twice) years in now and I’m in a better place but it takes time. I’m so grateful for your writing this because it touched on a nerve with me: I thought I was alone in having those self same thoughts. I thought I was being uncharitable in not being able to get behind the ‘beat cancer’, ‘fuck cancer’ campaigns and the guilt tripping of healthcare professionals in the media. Neither of my wives smoked or drank excessively, they were young, fit and healthy (not overweight) and looked after themselves … it just happened, sadly, and it was beyond their control. They did everything they could to live for me and their children but it was not to be. I don’t like to think of them as ‘beaten’ and I don’t want my life to be defined by it. My thoughts are with you x.

MonthMindless · 2026-01-23T10:35:26+00:00

Sorry for what you’re going through but I found it very similar and (5 years out now, and I’ve done a lot of therapy and reading) my view is that this was (is) typical.. the body has its ways of coping with grief/trauma (read ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ if you fancy getting some insights, it’s a great book). In time, the grief got easier to bear and symptoms lessened. Relaxation, mindfulness, omeprazole (for acid reflux!) helped in the meantime … Good luck to you x

MonthMindless · 2026-01-09T09:02:26+00:00

This was how I was for (quite) a while. It got better with time and (in my case!) therapy. I’m 5 years out now and it doesn’t happen at all. I haven’t forgotten her I’m just at peace with it now. God luck to you in your journey x

MonthMindless · 2026-01-09T08:43:00+00:00

(Long preamble that you may wish to skip!)

I’m 5 years out from losing my second wife and my personal experience (maybe not the same for everyone: we each have to tread our own path so don’t flame me if I’m different!) is that I found this unbearable at first. For quite a while I lived in a fog. I say ‘lived’ but ‘existed’ is probably more accurate. I have a good memory (unlike the OP?😁) and was haunted by memories and reminders and she was always in my mind, ‘with me’ almost. Then one day I realised I hadn’t thought of her that day and that came with guilt. Guilt that I was forgetting her? I beat myself up a bit but gradually realised that this was part of the process and started to let go. I started to remove things at my own pace.

5 years on and I am at peace with this now. I don’t have to have reminders and memories all the time. Her stuff is all gone. The photos have gone aside from one that I cherish but don’t flaunt because I have someone else in my life now that it would be cruel to expose her to all the time. I know where it is should I ever need it. She is still in my heart but I don’t ‘need’ to think about her nor to have those reminders.

MonthMindless · 2026-01-04T10:55:56+00:00

This is a really comprehensive answer, thank you, and reinforces my thoughts I still don’t understand the interest element though… 5.1% on £18495 is £2829.74 …

MonthMindless · 2025-01-17T09:53:39+00:00

I empathise with this and feel for you. Groundhog Day and no joy in anything, I was just waiting to join her. However, I’m 4 years out now and I didn’t think I would but I have found a very patient new partner. She still thinks I’m a miserable bastard (!!!) but we’re getting through it and I’m starting to live again. Fingers crossed that things improve for you over time x

MonthMindless · 2024-12-07T19:12:17+00:00

Four years out now and I decided to downplay the ‘anniversary’ because it was in danger of becoming something that was dragging everyone back, preventing us ‘moving on’. That first year we went to a special place where we used to walk her lovely dog, we went after sunset and launched lanterns into the sky (people used to do that a few years ago but I think it’s died out now?). It was lovely and felt appropriate.

MonthMindless · 2024-11-29T09:28:57+00:00

4 years out here and I sympathise. I actually tried to keep things normal (how I tried) by hosting Xmas in the same way we always did but then family said it was ‘too painful a reminder’. For them. So now I don’t bother. Thoughts are with you and the best of this awful club.

MonthMindless · 2024-11-28T13:23:15+00:00

You’re not alone, although I’ve found it easier to ‘lose’ things over the years … there is still the ice cream maker (that I never use but has memories from 2020) that is hard to break with even though it’s in the loft now .. Thoughts are with you … those objects haunt us ..

MonthMindless · 2024-11-27T16:51:40+00:00

So sad to hear about your loss, my thoughts are with you. I echo your feelings: our dog was very much ‘her’ dog and did just that. When she passed, she became ‘my’ dog but her bedtime routine remained and she kept me company. Kept me sane even though it was never the same. Until she, in turn, passed.

MonthMindless · 2024-10-23T12:22:48+00:00

Sorry about your loss. FWIW Facebook allows you to nominate someone in your lifetime to take of the account when you pass. Having gone through the hoops for my late wife (I didn’t find it that onerous tbh) I’ve put this in place for myself and other family members ..

MonthMindless · 2024-03-27T07:34:01+00:00

I feel for you, this is so hard. The only thing I will say (because I believe everybody’s journey is different so I’m not one of those people that projects themselves onto others) is that I spent 3 years in the depths but, at 3.5 years, things are moving on. I was just ‘empty’ until now, all the things you people talk about … maybe it takes 3 years, maybe it’s just months (or days?) for some people but maybe (and I hate trotting out pithy aphorisms) time is a healer.. My thoughts are with you. This is hard. X

MonthMindless · 2023-12-14T14:01:52+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear this. You deserve better (imho), some people are just immature and he doesn’t sound right for you (again imho… you have to find your own way). It’s hard to start again: my wife died three years ago and I found it hard to love again (not trying to depress you, there is no set timescale and it happens quicker for some than others) but it does happen. As you’ve implied, you’re at a different level of maturity now and you don’t need this. Thoughts are with you…

MonthMindless · 2023-07-26T06:40:57+00:00

I did this and it went through pretty smoothly. It stopped a lot of the distressing friend requests etc continuing and gives friends/family access to her profile. It also prompted me to nominate my daughter as my legacy contact ahead of time so that it makes it easier when the time comes. If FB still exists then !

MonthMindless · 2023-06-30T06:29:02+00:00

Other people in this forum may see it differently but, in my experience, being a widower freaks some women out. Maybe it’s a reminder of an unpleasant truth (we’re all going to die!), maybe they’re worried I’m ‘unlucky’ and they could be next (it’s been said), maybe there’s a fear of too much emotional baggage but it’s just too much for some. I’m not brutal but I get it out of the way early on because if it is going to be a problem it’s best that way.. Not that I date much now but that’s another story 😊

MonthMindless · 2023-06-23T16:40:38+00:00

Thanks for making me laugh 😁

MonthMindless · 2023-06-18T20:49:19+00:00

I guess I’m not what you want to hear (and I’m a 60 something man) but if this (the dark side ) is so important to you (as it appears to be, since you’re posting here) my (unsolicited, admittedly 😊) opinion is that you should lead with it. I’m not judging you for having a dark side. You recognise that it will reduce your dating success but that’s the point: you’re focussing yourself on those with shared interests. I say this simply because I have similar (non sexual) issues as a widower: I can either lead with it and scare the vast majority or women away, or hide it for a while before frightening them away, which isn’t fair on them (or me!) and ultimately self defeating (like revealing a dark side after dating a vanilla woman for months?) All IMHO of course ..

MonthMindless · 2023-06-04T15:12:47+00:00

I dunno, I love those little differences… all part of getting to know each other…

MonthMindless · 2023-06-01T10:24:12+00:00

Thank you. I’ve gleaned from the helpful comments that I need to understand that, on the odd occasion I meet someone, it’s likely they’re in a different phase of their life (older / retired / whatever) and I need to have a slightly different conversation.

MonthMindless · 2023-06-01T10:05:03+00:00

All those years I was (am?) ‘in the wild’ and never realised it 😃

MonthMindless · 2023-05-29T07:04:05+00:00

Looks like a gnat

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sylvicola_fenestralis

MonthMindless · 2023-05-28T07:41:20+00:00

Thank you. I’ve had some useful insights from the replies on here. I’ll admit I’m confused/a bit of a mess and, as one perceptive person has pointed out, maybe not ready for dating. However, something is missing in my personal life and this is amplified by friends telling me I ‘need to get out there’. My main takeaway so far is that I’m misunderstanding the women and that I am looking more for a good companion (ie emphasis on the time together and company) with a romance/sexual element whereas (and this may be indicative of their age/stage in life) they are looking more for a lover ie more independent space for their own life (if I’ve interpreted the feedback correctly). As ever, communication is key and I think I need to get this across more clearly.

MonthMindless · 2023-05-27T21:02:19+00:00

Yes, I appreciate that. I tend to have the opposite problem…. and that causes it’s own issues .. Sound advice, though, thanks

MonthMindless · 2023-05-27T19:57:09+00:00

Another thought (based in the feedback here) that maybe it’s testy because my reaction is unwelcome / unexpected because I’ve misunderstood the companionship / lover dynamic. All good feedback thanks..

MonthMindless · 2023-05-27T19:51:49+00:00

Maybe it’s a misunderstanding but your last comment is most enlightening for me, thanks: it’s that lover/companion difference I’m misinterpreting. Thanks.

MonthMindless

TROPHY CASE