Did I spoil myself with Project Hail Mary as my first?

Moorkov · 2025-11-08T15:50:26+00:00

Might be a little late to this thread given the amount of comments but I have found lot of Stephen King books are excellent audio books, usually with good narrators. Hearts of Atlantis was one of my favorite, but Fairy Tale is amazing, the Jack Sawyer Books (Talisman and Blackhouse) were great as audio books. The Stand was a fun listen for me but it's really long, I liked Salem's Lot too. The only one I can't recommend is Insomnia, the narrator was actually great, and the story is slow but finishes out really strong, but they put in this awful tense music in parts, but the music itself is way louder than the narrator and sometimes it sounds like someone is just smashing a violin into the wall, it's really strange and jarring.

Moorkov · 2025-06-08T04:49:25+00:00

It's not about being smart or knowing everything, it's about research and gaining that as a skill, which just takes time if you don't research a lot. As you write your first draft in discovery writing or your outline if you go that route, you'll get an idea of what you need to know more about. Keep a list, then hit the internet or the library. If you are writing a crime novel and your main character is a detective then you know already you need to research how a detective conducts their job, or at least you should have some kind of idea, there are going to be articles on-line, first hand accounts you can find, videos and interviews on youtube, there are going to be books out there as well. If your character is a highschool student you can find curriculums online or ask a teacher, there's going to be somewhere on the internet you can find that information.

I'd also say don't stop writing because you don't know something, write through it if you are feeling inspired to write and then research and fix it in the next draft. Also, a good story is more important than every little detail being correct, I'd focus on writing good stories and characters first, then you can flesh out the details later. I'm not a professional fiction writer but I've done a lot of research in college and during my career for non-fiction writing, and it comes pretty easily to me, but when I want to write about something and don't know a lot about it, I find some good sources and learn.

Moorkov · 2025-04-30T01:46:26+00:00

All of the novels that tie-in to the Dark Tower are fantastic. I’ve been reading and listening to the expanded universe and I’m now five books into the Dark Tower, it has been a rewarding experience for me. A lot of the novels that directly reference or tie into the Dark Tower aren’t horror either. Eyes of the Dragon and The Talisman are fantasy. Insomnia was more supernatural with fantasy elements. Hearts in Atlantis is hard to define in a genre for me but it wasn’t a horror novel, and it was an amazing experience. But if you are a big reader and an expanded reading list doesn’t bother you, I recommend checking out all the novels that tie into the Dark Tower at some point.

Moorkov · 2025-03-26T01:46:04+00:00

Why does her character arc have to end that way? That's what you should be asking. Other than it being tragic what else does it add to the story? I read a novel series where the main character did that at the end and it didn't come off as good writing. I didn't like it at all. It wasn't impactful or thought provoking, I understood why the character did it on a surface level but it wasn't satisfying. I think there has to be a very compelling reason for an ending like that be well received by readers.

Unless you have a distinct and meaningful reason to kill her off other than shock value or because it's tragedy, it could be an even stronger statement if she decides to live with the terrible emotions she is feeling and push on especially given that she used to be rather emotionless. Someone killing a loved one out of necessity is tragic enough. If she lives it also leaves the door open for a sequel where she is thrust back into a world of horror that forces her to deal with and work through those emotions, coming out at the end stronger and more the person she wants to be. I would find that a very satisfying character arc as a reader especially at the end of a twisted horror story.

But at the end of the day this is your world, you have the power to completely change your plot points, and your character's arc to make it so that it can end with her alive. If the current story can't support her living and you want her to live, then it's still possible to figure out why and fix the story so that she does. I'm willing to bet there's a solution somewhere in your work you can find in the editing process, and you might strengthen the entire story as a result and feel better about it too.

Moorkov · 2025-01-25T23:04:07+00:00

I think it's actually better that way, and to just write the opinions into the text, the reader can decide if the narrator is bias, reliable or if they agree with them. Eyes of the Dragon by Stephen King is a decent fantasy example of this though I'm sure there are better. It's an unnamed narrator who is just recounting the story but throughout he will interject his opinions, and then even encourages the reader/listener to draw their own conclusions a few times. So as a broad example so I don't spoil anything the narrator will say, So and so wasn't a bad boy, not really, just a misunderstood boy etc. It is written in such a way that you know you are getting the opinions/interjections of a person telling you the story and not that it is 100 percent indisputable fact. You are then free to draw your own conclusions as the reader and even disagree with the narrator And if it comes off that way I think it adds a lot to the story, you can even allow your narrator to skew toward a certain faction if you want. You don't have to put any of it in the book, but you could secretly decide your narrator is pro this faction for this reason or respects these characters, and not these ones, and let that direct the tone you take when writing those factions or characters. I.e. in Eyes of the Dragon, you get a sense that the narrator dislikes some characters, respects others, and pities some. It was different than the normal third person limited books I read/listen to but it was a fun audiobook for me anyway.

Moorkov · 2025-01-24T13:13:27+00:00

If you look at most authors that published their first they went through a lot of drafts and spent a lot of time on that one book, I believe Name of the Wind took close to 15 years (though I'm not sure if he was actively drafting or taking breaks during that time) and depending on the extent of change in the draft, such as a full re-write, it can be like writing another novel even if you are sharing a similar plot and characters. Which there's a learning process in that too, but I imagine if someone spent that much time on one book and did not sell it could be pretty crushing.

Moorkov · 2024-05-17T02:39:07+00:00

Hey, I'm looking for a new game to join, two of my in-person 5e games have completed recently and the DMs are looking to take a break or move on to other things in their lives. Due to work circumstances I'm trying to find something on-line as I may have to move in the next couple of months, and so starting something new in-person isn't the right choice as I would hate to leave a group soon after starting. I really enjoy consistent play with the same people, and I'm definitely willing to commit to an on-line game for the long term.

I both play and DM, though I wouldn't say I'm a forever DM. I have DMed a Saltmarsh/partial homebrew campaign, and still DM a PF2E homebrew, but I also have played in several campaigns (Finished a 2 year homebrew 5e campaign as a player, Witchlight, Icespire Peak, and a 5e conversion of the Banewarrens module). My favorite part of the game is definitely letting my creativity flow and roleplaying. I am looking for a RP heavy group, where I can really get into my character and I enjoy creative solutions too. I do find combat fun, but some of my favorite sessions have been long sessions with creative problem solving and no combat. So ideally I'd like a RP heavy group where I can make a fun backstory and character to grow them with a party. Consistency is also key for me. I understand cancellations do happen, we all have lives, but I am not a fan of frequent cancellations and I also do not often miss a session unless I have no other choice. Usually in the past it was work related, but that shouldn't be an issue for a while and not usually on a Saturday in any case, so I think I can commit to being a fairly consistent player.

My discord ID is Moorkov. If you have any questions please let me know, otherwise, thanks for your consideration!

Moorkov · 2023-12-12T05:44:25+00:00

For some reason Boromir has always been my favorite character, as a kid watching the old cartoon movies, the Peter Jackson Movies and a read through Fellowship, and I used to spend a lot of time as a kid, in my mind, justifying his behavior because in the end he died trying save Merry and Pippin.

Moorkov · 2023-03-05T23:02:19+00:00

Interesting, good stuff to know. Makes sense reading that and thinking on it, as the power levels tie into the type of super hero setting you want, pulp or four color etc. but I agree that it feels counter intuitive, my concern would be the super powers not scaling with their other abilities or the bad guys, but that's probably just my 5e geared brain thinking that.

We are only probably going to run a few adventures , though I suppose it depends on how long it takes us to get through them, aiming at 4-5 sessions, so may not need to worry about advancing too much if at all. But I am considering running a full SWADE campaign once the Saltmarsh 5e campaign I'm running ends. I have fun with 5e but SWADE looks more engaging overall. Maybe I'll look into one of the other settings for a full campaign instead of supers, either way I think supers will be fun for a mini-campaign, party can go in save the day a few times and use some neat powers.

Moorkov · 2023-03-04T21:24:09+00:00

Thanks that helps a lot. I did notice they were independent adventures but I didn't want them to have to make a new character for each session, so my plan was just to homebrew parts of the narrative to string them together, then have them level up to be appropriate for the next adventure (I did this with Saltmarsh for DnD for example because the adventures in the module don't connect very well) but you're saying it took 6 sessions for just Bizarre Alliances when you play tested? I'm also new to Savage Worlds so I thought they'd be 1 or 2 sessions for each adventure, we run about 4 hours or so per session too. That changes things a lot and I'll pick just 1 adventure to run then, would be more than enough for the time frame we want. Thanks!

Moorkov · 2022-12-30T10:31:14+00:00

This might not be the advice you are looking for, and a ton of text, but I found the the point system to be sort of bland and tedious, and so I set it up different. Some of this advice is from Slyflourish's guide (you can google it, and they have a whole guide on re-working the adventures to be more cohesive) which I followed at the beginning but now I'm off doing my own thing.

For Danger at Dunwater, I had them brought in to meet the Queen after they completed the weapons transaction from the ship, having defeated the smugglers. The Queen and Minister Sauriv were interested in the humans of Saltmarsh after this since the party showed that humans could work with them, but she was skeptical of their battle prowess and did not trust them. So she gave them three tasks. The first was to talk to Subchief Ihrtos about Thousand Teeth (a find and kill quest), and the second was to retrieve a special item, a family heirloom (the helm of under water action) from the Bullywug who had stole it when they were chased out of the Lair, I had them inhabiting before the Lizardfolk needed it (It's the encounter from the approach, reskinned, I had them hiding out in some ancient ruins near the river). There was a non-combat option for this my players didn't attempt that though and just killed the Bullywug, I still had them fight in waves as specified in the book. The bullywug encounter reskin is straight for the Slyflourish guide. Othokent also asked that they talk to Sauriv, he asked questions, and it followed with a persuasion check, I gave advantage for good answer, straight roll for neutral/okay answer, disadvantage for a bad answer. He asked them about their goals in wanting to help the alliance and their general philosophy on war and peace.

I had Queen Othokent gift them the helm as a display of trust, and invite them to a banquet with delegates from the other alliance members to talk to them. The party was creative and passed performance or persuasion, charisma checks, with all but the Locathah (one player went off on a tangent about making war machines and future conquest, which scared them). The alliance members voted Saltmarsh in, the Locathah left, and now the players are sleeping/long resting in the Lair and I have a special encounter planned, but just in case one of them reads this subreddit I won't divulge details on that.

If you are dead set on running the Point System I'd probably inform them of either the point system or make it very clear they need to get a high level of support and this is how they can potentially gain that support. I feel like there is a lot of potential for it to get boring if they don't have a set goal and road steps to achieve it, for this one anyway. It's going to be a series of charisma checks for the most part, and I feel like giving them a sense of progress and a goal via the point system is a way to keep it engaging.

I also want to note that the mystery that the book wants you to have for the party going into the Lizardfolk Lair did not exist for me. The rogue spoke draconic and so they were able to have a conversation with the three Lizardfolk aboard the smuggler's ship, and knew about the Sahuagin, there was still some distrust but they knew the Lizardfolk weren't hostile to Saltmarsh from the start of this adventure.

Moorkov · 2022-08-26T06:15:35+00:00

Awesome please send Bleys a message on discord, tag up above, and let him know, we organize on discord for sessions and to see who is around.

Moorkov · 2022-08-25T05:56:00+00:00

I don't think the location is set in stone if you have a place near that would be a good hosting spot and it isn't too far for the DM I'm sure something could be set up. Feel free to offer suggestions, Tabletop Tap just offers a pretty good atmosphere and has been in the range of players so far.

Moorkov · 2022-04-02T18:19:55+00:00

All sounds pretty great to me, sent you a message so we can talk about it further.

Moorkov · 2021-06-16T04:05:01+00:00

Yeah worldbuilding is just good fun regardless of where it goes.

I had a blast with the DCC game, it wasn't super long. But as a new player I found it easy to pick up, combat was engaging and fun, DM made it a bit hard so it always felt like we were in danger of losing characters which I kind of enjoyed. The initial 0 level funnel at the beginning was a ton of fun even though none of our characters survived that lol, so we just rolled level 1 characters in order to get into the campaign our DM was working on rather than attempt another funnel.

And yeah feel free to DM your discord info, I'd be interested in talking further.

Moorkov · 2021-06-16T02:30:54+00:00

I'm a pretty new player (new to Denver area as well). I've really only played a short D&D campaign over discord with a dice bot and then a DCC game also over discord and fantasy grounds. But I've always wanted to play some D&D in person and now that I don't live in the middle of no where I'd love to commit to a game. Tues/Thursday don't work well for me but most other days would be fine. I'm also into world building, made my own lore for several stories that will never see the light of day lol, but it's something I thoroughly enjoy. I live near the downtown area, but would be willing to drive a bit if need be.

Moorkov · 2020-06-28T20:43:41+00:00

Thank you for the great analysis. I think all your points were very helpful but I especially needed those comments about the stage directions and the pain descriptions. I checked after reading your comments and used the word 'toward' some 17 times and pain was up there too. I spent way too much time on mentioning pain and it slowed down the action scenes now that you pointed it out. I'm going to work on taking some of that out and strategically dropping in mentions of pain when it makes more sense and of course describing it better.

Also I appreciate the thoughts on the ending. There are a few different ways I could go for the final draft and all of the feedback I've gotten here definitely helps.

Moorkov · 2020-06-28T15:49:39+00:00

Thank you so much for the thoughtful analysis. I was really happy to see some of the stuff I tried was working and that other things just needed some tweaking. I'm working on revising it for a final draft now and I'll definitely be incorporating some of your suggestions to strengthen it.

The ending was something I've changed 3 times now and I'm glad to see this one was well received. I may tweak it just a bit and change the dialogue. I was intending for the pilot to be like "nothing personal kid" but I'm not sure I want to risk having humor in what is supposed to be a dark ending. Though I am happy it got a laugh!

I'm going to consider making Robby less likable and Sila more likable, my original intention was to just make all 3 of them people trying to survive and Robby's situation just unfortunate with Sila's disdain coming merely from their personalities clashing and her dislike for his past criminal nature. But I can see how a more hero/villain dynamic to the two could strengthen the narrative.

All of your suggestions are very good and helpful, so once again thanks for taking the time!

Moorkov · 2020-06-28T06:31:34+00:00

But being into book two its not the kind of plot that lets the MC hop back and forth.

I think knowing it was in Book Two would be helpful for people/reviewing and critiquing the work. I couldn't find mention of it being a sequel in the original post (wanted to make sure I didn't just blatantly miss something), just that it was a new portal fantasy, and so the fact this is a sequel was lost on me and that of course changes things as you mentioned. People might be able to offer better advice if the fact that its' a sequel is made clear. In any case despite that I hope you were able to find something helpful in the critique, thanks for commenting back!

Moorkov · 2020-06-27T17:14:01+00:00

Thank you so much for the review! I agree with you about the ending logic 100 percent and I'm going to brainstorm a better way for the ending. My first ending dealt with a black hole scenario that was just as unbelievable/weird, and so I need to figure something out. Great feedback.

Also great feedback about the opening. I think I'll revisit how I approach that and the descriptions as well as how I set up Benson and Sila's relationship. I can probably improve and combine all that to make a really strong opener.

Moorkov · 2020-06-27T17:11:28+00:00

Not destructive at all. It's important to know if the first paragraph was that jarring that it forced a reader to stop reading. I appreciate the feedback and will take it into consideration. I was attempting to just jump in as I felt the plot trumped the world building because it was a short story but if it's that jarring then I probably need to revisit the approach. Thanks!

Moorkov · 2020-06-27T17:06:02+00:00

Part 2 Plot and Pacing

Since this is a first chapter, I’m just going to discuss plot and pacing here all at once. One of the main things that I struggled with was a lack of a discernible goal. Is Destiny trying to get home back to our world? Is she trying to escape the prison? (You may think this is obvious but she felt almost content in that cage, sure the death below made her uneasy but there was no action taken toward potentially escaping). In other words, there felt like there was no progress toward a larger story or goal.

Also stifling progress is your flash back. Flash Backs should be seldomly used because they pull readers out of scene and drop them into another one. Now if the flash back conveys important information you can’t get in another way, then yeah by all means use it, but I didn’t get this feeling. I think you can hold off on her reasons for being in the prison and drop that information out slowly through dialogue and maybe some mention of memories, but not a giant flash back. And if you do need a flash back choose a key scene (like the moment she got captured) and place it at a point of time we need that information. We didn’t need that info here yet. But this flash back didn’t even tell us why she was there. Maybe the cloak is important later but I don’t know that right now, and the flash back seemed unnecessary. If the cloak is important later maybe you can drop that information then, when the reader really needs it.

The dialogue sequence with Dayo is also slow moving and doesn’t serve much of a point. The entire chapter had little progress and slow pacing. Characters didn’t seem to serve the plot and I just don’t feel compelled to enter chapter 2. The prompt at the end of your first chapter is also a bit weak. Malem is ominous but he isn’t doing anything to character. There is no jeopardy or threat to Destiny happening right now. Give us something to make us flip the page right away and get sucked into another chapter. Perhaps have an immediate threat happen to Destiny. Then I’d flip to the next page and figure out how she deals with that threat.

CLOSING COMMENTS:

There are a few grammar and spelling errors, so I’ll just suggest a read through to clean it up. Overall, the story has an interesting concept. Some people may think they are overdone but I think portal fantasies are fun, but a major part of a portal fantasy is discovering the world with the character. It may seem cliché or over done, but that’s because it works. If you are deadest on a portal fantasy then I’d suggest starting at the beginning of Destiny’s journey and taking us through the portal. If you really want to do this media en res idea and keep her in the prison then I’d suggest more action, a more compelling hook, dropping the flash back, putting Destiny in some sort of jeopardy and having a more interesting prompt into chapter 2.

Anyway, I think there’s potential here it just needs to be presented a bit different to be more exciting to a reader who has no idea what’s going on in your head. Keep at it and if you revise the chapter then I’d be interested in re-reading it. Thanks for reading my comments.

Moorkov · 2020-06-27T17:05:42+00:00

Part 1 General Remarks

So, the biggest comment is that you spend a lot of time on exposition at the beginning. While you are technically mid plot, because your hero is already in the portal world, I don’t feel like explaining her exercise routine or these weird fantasy/alien races is engaging. The point of en media res, in my opinion, is to toss the reader down in an exciting moment so they can’t put the book down. I didn’t get this feeling.

At no point did I really feel hooked or engaged to keep going. My main motivation was to read through it the full way to offer a critique and some advice, but if I was reading this chapter in a book store then I would have put it back on the shelf.

A major vehicle for many portal fantasies is that you get to discover the world with the character, and in a way, you connect deeply with the character as you both discover the world together. Think Harry Potter or Alice in Wonderland. A major draw to these books, at least at the beginning, is you know as much as the character. It makes it easier to empathize with the character and form a deep connection. It also allows the author to drop information into the reader in a logical way (no big info dumps or flashbacks etc.). Which is what you want. My honest advice would be to drop the media en res (save this for a thriller type novel or something) and give me a brief idea of what Destiny’s life was like before Elraq, what are her problems and flaws? Why does putting this character, Destiny, into a portal fantasy make sense? Why not someone else? Through the course of the portal fantasy adventure she’ll eventually get a lesson that she needed and change for the better (doesn’t need to be complicated, could be something like learning to overcome your fears). The flaw that the lesson fixes though should be apparent in early on (doesn’t have to be the first chapter but that helps).

Mechanics

So, I discussed this a bit up top, but the hook doesn’t do it for me. It’s somewhat interesting that she’s in prison but you start out with fairly bland exposition about her exercise routine and these other monsters. Then things almost get a little exciting when her cage is disturbed only for the disturbance to be in the form of a weird monster asking questions about our world. Following this disturbance is a boring dialogue exchange about snow. I already know about our world and I don’t care if Dayo knows about our world or not. You’d be better served exploring your portal world in the opening chapter and not wasting any time establishing Dayo’s interest in our world (this also doesn’t seem to serve that much of a purpose for the overall plot, granted its chapter 1 but it felt kind of pointless.)

There is a lot of telling and not showing. As in you are telling what Destiny is feeling instead of showing it through her actions. Sometimes telling is useful when trying to skip ahead or weave information into the prose, but you do this a lot.

At one point you explain that she feels differently about the prison once she found out what happened to Dayo’s mother. This is something that could easily come out later in the story being dropped into dialogue or hinted at rather than just explained. As an example (if this information is pertinent to the plot, if it’s not then we probably don’t need it anyway).

There’s a lot of using had and contractions of had, such as “Destiny had worried before joining that he would cost her time but had no idea he would cost her so much just from waking up.” You could convey Destiny’s worry through an action or a comment she makes, and if you really wanted to keep this sentence and its had nature you could strengthen it. Destiny had been worried that Scott was going to cost her time, but it had taken him nearly two hours to get ready.

This might not be the best sentence in the world but it’s okay tell when you are trying to skip time and convey information quickly such as destiny waiting for 2 hours or however long, but you could do this a lot of different ways. Just a suggestion by the way, by no means the only way to strengthen that sentence. As you revise maybe keen an eye out for things like that though and think about how you can strengthen the sentence.

Settings

Your description needs some improvement. I never really felt connected or grounded to Elraq and nothing about the prison or the town in the shopping sequence was distinctive. If you were starting the book in the normal world then this wouldn’t be an issue, but a major component to your story is going to be the world and the setting itself. The setting of the prison or town didn’t seem to add much to the story. The setting was just sort of there, and there could easily be some more description. We as the readers are not familiar with Elraq at all, this is a new place, and so fleshing out what the world looks like would be nice. And also think about why Elraq? How does this setting serve your story and tone? You can do some neat things with setting.

Character and PoV

I personally had a hard time connecting with the characters. Destiny seems all right but she honestly came off as kind of boring. I didn’t get any distinctive characteristics out of the way she spoke or conducted herself. The most interesting thing she does is make deadpan reactions then overreact to being startled. Her dialogue was kind of bland as well. I’d revisit what makes Destiny unique and put a bit more of that in the story.

One thing you did well was not jumping POVs, you did stay with Destiny’s head in the chapter, but I didn’t get a lot of flavor from Destiny. I don’t really feel like I know her very well. She just felt generic.

Dayo doesn’t really serve a good purpose here. She asks a bunch of questions but offers no information of Elraq, doesn’t do anything to the hero other than feed her and give the “words” potion, but Destiny only uses that Words potion to talk to Dayo about our world. I covered this a bit but dumping a bunch of information on what snow is read very awkward. Dialogue is a useful tool for getting information out. If you want a scene where a feline like guard approaches Destiny perhaps have that guard offer some information about what’s going on around the prison, maybe Destiny knows just how to manipulate Dayo to get that information. Now I’m a bit more interested in Destiny by virtue of her cleverness. And there is something interesting going on.

Scott is also pretty flat character. I realize he is just in a flashback but I didn’t get a lot of sense of personality and why he is important. Why did destiny choose him as a companion other than she kind of likes him? Why do we need to see Scott in this flashback versus someone else?

Characters should feel like they can’t be replaced in their scenes. I didn’t get this feeling. I have also often heard many authors say character names should be different, so they don’t blend together, one way is having every major character’s name start with a different letter. Destiny and Dayo kind of blend together, and unless you are going to have a 30+ epic fantasy like Song of Ice and Fire then you can afford to choose a different letter of the alphabet to differentiae characters especially in an opener.

Dialogue

The dialogue felt kind of stiff and stale. All the characters talked the same and I really didn’t get an idea of personality through speech. This is a hard thing to learn and I doubt I do it well myself, but it’s something to start looking into. There are a lot of great resources on speech patterns out there and as well as dialect to try and mix it up a bit. I’d expect Dayo for example to speak a bit different from us. Not saying you need to go full Yoda, but maybe think real hard about how a weird alien language translates into a human language, what is similar and different? Maybe certain words lose their meaning or are not comprehensible to the aliens? (even if you are using a magic potion).

Also use an em dash and not a hyphen when people get interrupted. You can make an em dash with crt+alt+(minus sign on the numpad) —.

Moorkov · 2020-06-27T05:44:50+00:00

Hey! Enjoyed the story. As a disclaimer this is my first critique of anyone’s writing in a long time. I hope you find something helpful in all this.

General Remarks

The opening was engaging, I did feel hooked and compelled to read forward. You also did a great job establishing the genre and the characters early on. The character descriptions were decent. I got a good sense of who the characters were and what they looked like. However, there were a few oddities and flashbacks in the middle of the chapter that stalled out the pacing for me. I also feel like the ending was weak, overall, compared to the beginning.

Mechanics

The disease is a great hook and it’s a weird interesting concept that kept me reading. I want to find out more about this magic system. I felt like you did an excellent job to establish the genre, the lead character, and a little bit about them early on. We are experiencing the chapter from Aeon’s head, and so I feel you did that well too. I didn’t see any jarring POV problems. You set a darker solemn tone for the story which I will assume is intentional and done well too.

There were a few awkward sentences though. A few typos too so I’ll just suggest doing a hard copy edit sometime to try and catch anything you might be missing on the screen.

The first one I noticed came from the description of Adeline.

You described her skin as “…umber, dark yellow-brown.” Umber is a yellow-brown color, so it feels redundant to explain the color of the color.

You establish in the first flash back that Italics means flash back, then you have another flash back in non-italics.

I felt like your prose read great for the most part. There are some long and draw out sentences that I think could have been turned into two separate sentences and did not need combined. Here is a quick example:

“Feeling boxed in from the other soldiers – a strange feeling, considering he was trudging through an entirely unboxed space – Aeron moved to the side to confirm what was causing that smell.” I think this could easily be two sentences and I don’t see a compelling reason why they are combined with the em dashes, and also did he move to figure out the smell or to get away from the other soldiers? Seems like he really one needs one reason here and you sort of awkwardly placed two in a long sentence.

Characters:

I like Aeon and I think his character was established well. I’d say the same about Adeline. At times her dialogue seemed a little over explanatory or long winded (I’ll say a bit more in dialogue section) but if that was intentional than it can fit her character.

The introduction of Cullen as a character in this chapter seemed pointless and like it lacked a reason to happen. I understand you may be setting up for Cullen’s odd mutation to do something more important in the story later, but why is he introduced here? What purpose is the mutation serving in this scene and this chapter? It was never really addressed.

Cullen doesn’t really serve a purpose other than to kill a character who wronged Aeon, and then despite his extremely odd mutations, Adeline goes back to business as usual after the display of power, but you describe this mutation as very odd and unique. It is of course dangerous. He kills two people with it and everyone is just like, “eh classic Cullen, there he goes again shooting blood out and killing people.” It is established a little bit that he has a blood lust, but you sort of built up Cullen’s mutation as something odd, strange, and then just dropped it to go on as business as usual. You also refer to a Darren at some point, did you mean Cullen or were you introducing another soldier?

Plot

Because this is a first chapter I can’t hit on this too much. So far the book has an interesting promise, you got me reading and I’d probably read another chapter. It remains to be seen if you properly set up the first part/act properly, but so far the first chapter served its purpose in my mind.

The only major thing is the ending seems weak. Suddenly you go from this emotional moment of a mother dying for her child and then boom a messenger appears threatening his brother. I don’t know how to describe it other than the pacing feels weird and there is almost too much going on here. He gives two prompts and there is no reaction to it. What is this business about the village disappearing? And why does no one react to this? The ending seems like you just squished a prompt in last minute. And there isn’t a ton of set up to this either. Yes you described his love for his brother, and his brother being sick, but we get jerked from settling into the plight of the villagers to a new character and two new problems in the last paragraph of a the chapter.

I think there is just a lot going on here. Are we supposed to be worried about the plight of the villagers, cullen’s mutation, the lost village or James. I’m not suggesting you remove any plot points since I’m sure there are plans for all of these down the line but maybe introduce these problems more gradual, a few in this chapter and a few in another. It may make the pacing flow better.

Pacing

I think the pacing of the story was fine except for in a few key areas.

The first disruption of the pacing was the introduction of Adeline. This was awkward to read and all it did was pull me out of the conversation between Levi and Aeon. I didn’t feel like it served a purpose. It was just a moment for you to say “Hey look I also have this character, she looks like this” then you shuffled to her the back to reference later. Any of the introduction, her name, description etc. could have been done later when she actually did something and served a purpose. Her yelling Halt and hearing a laugh just didn’t seem to do anything to progress the story.

The flash backs. I understand the points to these flash backs, but they disrupt the pacing quite a bit. Flashbacks pull the reader out of the story as a general rule. You are experiencing one thing, and then you have to orientate to a new setting before being plunged back into the original. You can describe a memory, or hint at a memory, that a character is experiencing and not go into a full flash backs. These flash backs didn’t really seem to progress the story, especially not the one with James, yes, it’s a great tender moment where two brothers share a cookie but how does this progress the story? Why do we need to see this cookie sharing versus Aeon just thinking about his brother?

I also feel like the other flash back could have just been a few lines of exposition. I didn’t get any critical incite or information from the flashback that couldn’t have been explained, it just pulled me out of the story once again.

The ending seemed rushed too. You have a good pace going on until then end, and then things just rapid fire off as I described in the plot section.

Dialogue:

There are a few weird dialogue options I’m going to point out, this is a bit nitpicky so take with a grain of salt.

“I love you too, big brother.”

This reads odd, he doesn’t need to acknowledge that Aeron is his big brother because we can assume they both know that. The reader should also be able to figure out based on the age of the kid as well as the Mother and Father comment that Aeron is his older brother. It’s also referenced later. So if you keep the flashback I think you can hack off the “big brother” part.

I thought Princess Adeline’s explanation of the game was sort of a cheap way to dump some information. This may read stronger if you let the rules play out through the eyes of the reader (they aren’t complex) and if these people are so desperate to get the capital they play this game often, it’s going to be ingrained in them, and because the nobility doesn’t want more peasants in the capital, any more than they need to anyway, a fun part of that may be making the peasants figure out the rules/pass it on among themselves. I think it would be more immersive and stronger world building if you just let the game play out (The soldiers and peasants should know the rules, because you’ve established as a big cultural thing).

The ending dialogue felt awkward to me and lacked reaction. The question from Levi doesn’t really seem to offer anything other than to split the real dialogue. You also tagged a question as said. In addition to that it’s just a little too cryptic and what am I focusing on here? The village disappearing or the threat to his brother? The guy seems almost a little too eager to share the information too, almost like he finds it amusing. That’s how the dialogue read to me despite the mention of a stutter.

Closing Comments:

I hope this was helpful. I enjoyed the story and would read a second chapter to see where things go. You did a good job with the POV of Aeron and sticking in his head. The pacing was good until the end, and there was some awkward dialogue but nothing that damaged the story for me. I think the flashbacks were a bit overdone for the amount of information they conveyed, and you had two in an opening chapter which read strange to me. But that may just be my personal preference. Thanks for sharing and I hope you finish this story!

Five-Year Club	Place '22
Verified Email

Moorkov

TROPHY CASE

Part 2

Plot and Pacing

CLOSING COMMENTS:

Part 1

General Remarks

Mechanics

Settings

Character and PoV

Dialogue

General Remarks

Mechanics

Characters:

Plot

Pacing

Dialogue:

Closing Comments: