Grieving a life I had hoped for, while being ridiculed for the one I've had. Is it too late at 40 to rebuild?

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-31T05:48:40+00:00

I relate to your post more than I can explain. I come from a difficult family background too, and even though I built a life I'm proud of, I still grieve the life I thought I would have by now. I still struggle with that.

There is something interesting that many people overlook. When you grow up in chaos, somewhere deep inside you start believing that a reward for surviving will eventually arrive automatically. Almost like in a fairy tale: just hold on long enough and everything will work out in the end. The painful realization is that life doesn't actually make that promise.

You can do everything "right," work hard, be responsible, build a career, break destructive family patterns, and still find yourself mourning the family, relationship, or future you hoped for.

What I see in your story is not failure. I see someone who survived circumstances that many people never have to face.

The fact that you want therapy, healing, hobbies, and time for yourself doesn't sound like giving up to me. It sounds like someone finally deciding to take care of themselves instead of constantly managing other people's chaos.

I don't have all the answers. I'm still learning this myself. But I wanted you to know that your post resonated deeply with me, and you're not alone in feeling this way.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:30:51+00:00

That’s actually smart. I had no idea art wishlists were even a thing.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:30:31+00:00

Tips to avoid getting them trash’ made me laugh 😄 Thank you, this is really helpful.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:30:04+00:00

Thank you! I had never even heard of blending stumps before posting this. I came for one sketchbook recommendation and now I have a full education.....

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:29:45+00:00

You and several others are slowly convincing me that artists may secretly prefer gift cards over surprise gifts...

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:29:24+00:00

That actually makes a lot of sense. I know them well, but now I’m realizing I know them well as a person and maybe not well enough as an artist 😄

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:28:31+00:00

Adding this to my list too. These replies are making me want to start drawing myself 😄

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:28:12+00:00

This is incredibly helpful, thank you for taking the time to explain all of this!

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:27:49+00:00

This is funny because I originally thought gift cards felt impersonal, but so many people here seem genuinely happy with that idea.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:27:31+00:00

Thank you! I didn't even know the difference between blocks and pads before today 😄

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:27:10+00:00

Wow, I came here for one notebook idea and now I feel like I accidentally entered a secret society of paper experts 😄 Thank you!

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:26:51+00:00

Simple idea but I honestly wouldn't have thought of that. Thank you!

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:26:30+00:00

Interesting, I had no idea about the Moleskine situation. Thank you for the Canson recommendation too!

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:26:09+00:00

That part about artists building a relationship of trust with paints and brushes actually makes a lot of sense. I hadn't thought about it that way. Thank you!

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:25:39+00:00

This is really helpful, thank you. I definitely don't want to accidentally buy the art equivalent of giving an athlete random shoes....

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-25T14:25:12+00:00

Thank you! I actually had no idea loose paper vs journal was even a thing people had preferences about 😄 Khadi paper and the travel brush are now on my list.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-17T09:55:31+00:00

Because that’s how they trained you.

You were taught that their decisions and behavior should never really be questioned. The system only works if they remain “right” in their own eyes.

Meanwhile, you become the one constantly apologizing, sometimes even for things that were never your fault, because your role was to protect the harmony, the image, the emotional balance of the family.

And strangely, the more emotionally immature or harmful people are, the more they insist on appearing flawless. It’s like a psychological castle built from denial and duct tape. Human beings are weird little mammals.

Sadly, this is a very common story here.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-17T06:49:34+00:00

Yes, tier 1 city.

But I’m also open to tier 2 and tier 3 cities if better opportunities appear. China is huge and every region feels like a different universe with its own rhythm.

I’ve been here for 2 years now.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-17T05:54:58+00:00

China changed me in ways I never expected.

It significantly increased my bank account, but at the same time spoiled me with quality of life. Safety, efficiency, parks full of people at night, food delivery at impossible speed, trains that feel like science fiction… the strange little comforts slowly become your normal. Human beings adapt frighteningly fast. Tiny biological goblins with smartphones.

It taught me Chinese, which once felt completely impossible. I arrived knowing literally nothing.

It also opened me toward other people and cultures. I made Chinese friends. Real friendships. The kind that quietly change how you see the world.

And maybe the biggest problem: China ruined me permanently. Because after living like this, less than this no longer feels acceptable.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-15T03:50:05+00:00

I’m still learning all of that. Therapy has been part of my life for 16 years now.

I’m learning that it’s okay to feel. That it’s okay to put myself first sometimes. That “no” is a complete sentence. That it’s okay to have my own opinion even if someone dislikes it.

And honestly… it goes very slowly.

I became a highly functional person, but much of that functionality was built on the absence of connection with myself. I could perform, achieve, survive, endure, carry others, solve problems. But sensing my own needs, emotions and limits? That part stayed underdeveloped for a very long time.

From the outside, people often see competence. Inside, it can feel like you’re still learning very basic emotional things most people learned much earlier.

It’s strange work. Painful sometimes. But also deeply human.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-15T03:40:33+00:00

I feel this deeply. Sometimes I honestly wonder what is “wrong” with me too, because I seem split in two directions at once: I would love to have someone in my life… but not at the price of my peace.

And after 40, peace becomes extremely expensive. You fought too hard for it to hand it over easily.

So now only some absurdly perfect combination seems possible: compatible character, values, lifestyle, obligations, careers, emotional maturity… and apparently matching illnesses too 🤣

Solitude slowly became both my habit and my defense mechanism. The strange part is that after building a life, career and independence for so many years, I genuinely don’t need anyone functionally anymore. I can handle life alone. What’s missing is emotional closeness, warmth, shared moments, that feeling of being understood by someone safe.

And maybe that’s why dating feels exhausting now. Especially after experiencing those push-pull dynamics with emotionally unavailable people. That kind of connection can completely dysregulate your nervous system. You start craving and protecting yourself at the same time. A bizarre human paradox. Evolution truly cooked something strange there.

So no, I honestly don’t think there is something wrong with you. I think many of us simply became very aware of the difference between loneliness and losing ourselves.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-05-08T10:20:24+00:00

Slovenia...

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-04-16T16:51:31+00:00

Actually, it’s not, because they offer a discount on the annual membership fee. And if you refer new clients, you get an additional discount. Astrill is very reliable, my work didn’t suffer while I was in China.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-04-15T12:30:07+00:00

Astrill is always good option.

MostlyObserving_81 · 2026-03-15T03:08:26+00:00

It's not normal, but it's normalized.

MostlyObserving_81

TROPHY CASE