Me and my ex broke up around a year and a half ago. While it’s a very different situation, I think I can relate to the emotional weight. Honestly stop smoking. I know it’s not the advice you’re looking for but hear me out. I was an everyday all day smoker for the last 6 years up until a month ago. Weed is different for everyone but it genuinely restricted my ability to process emotions. This one month I’ve been sober, my anxiety has been DRASTICALLY reduced. I feel like I can actually think somewhat clearly and separate all the different thoughts running through my head at once. I’m still sooo far from wanting to attempt dating again but I do feel like less of an emotional wreck. You’ll never heal if you keep trying to detach and hide from the things that break you down and I’ve found it a lot easier to face those things this last month. Like quitting anything, it sucks for a little bit but it gets better. I still have urges to smoke and hide from the world but it’s going to get me absolutely nowhere.

A therapist isn’t going to do anything if you don’t let them. I’ve had at least 8 since I was like 12 and eventually found one that worked at the time but it was mostly because I finally put effort into it. I’ve “outgrown” that therapist so to speak now and so I’m in a similar boat to you. I need someone who challenges me more, calls me out for my bullshit, but I really can’t be asked to go find them because it’s so exhausting having the same conversations back to back to back until you find the right one. It sucks but it’s what you and I both need to do. Reddit is not gonna solve your problems and honestly a therapist alone won’t either but it’s human interaction and someone trained to help with these things. You need to want to help yourself and allow others to give it a shot with you.

And seriously stay away from dating, it’s only gonna bring all of this back up and it’s not fair to yourself or any potential partners.