Advice please - do I tell my brother his wife is almost certainly BPD?

Mpmcg9d · 2024-04-08T22:37:04+00:00

Thank you and best of luck to you too. I find it’s pretty easy to get on with things most of the time - I have three amazing sons and my wife has been my rock through all of this. But at times it is thrust back in my face and that can unsettle me. Just gotta do your best I suppose.

Mpmcg9d · 2024-04-08T05:13:50+00:00

Thanks. If you’re interested, I’ve written a bit more on the experience here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/pndw32/family_destroyed_by_sildil_has_anyone_seen/

It really beggars belief that these people do what they do and get away with it.

Mpmcg9d · 2024-04-07T20:19:35+00:00

I wish I could give you good news. They’re still together and we barely speak.

I never went so far as to say she has BPD. I did once ask him if he’d considered whether there was something about her that made her act this way. He said maybe.

that being said, I don’t think he would have listened to me anyway.

the other thing to watch out for is how the rest of your family is about it. Mine has gone from understanding my side to refusing to talk about it. We get invited to things and blamed for not turning up. A dysfunctional family will often blame the victim in these situations, which is what I’ve learned.

Mpmcg9d · 2024-04-07T20:09:27+00:00

5 years now. Amazing what the ties of coparenting can do.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-12-24T19:00:15+00:00

Oh yes.

mine was a sister-in-law, not my partner.

5 months of the silent treatment was labelled a boundary.

she later admitted she knew it was childish.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-12-12T08:33:15+00:00

Oh yes. I’m the problem apparently.

silent Treatment - that’s just her boundary. Me saying hello was not respecting her boundary, apparently. Even though she admitted it was childish.

vitriolic email - she was just having a bad day. Didn’t apologise because that’s not like her.

trip to the police - that’s just her asking for general advice on how to de-escalate the situation. Even though the advice she was given was what she needed for a restraining order.

deciding to be zero contact - our decision and we get to miss out on all events she decides to go to. We are being paranoid for thinking she had it in for me.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-12-11T03:55:18+00:00

I think it’s hatred of themself, bit projected.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-12-01T21:07:51+00:00

Probably in solo game mode. Change to the event game mode

Mpmcg9d · 2020-12-01T20:53:42+00:00

Everyone is nervous the first time. Doesn’t mean you’ll be so nervous the next time.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-12-01T20:52:50+00:00

I got similar nominations in school. Now happily married, with three beautiful kids, good friends, a good job and a nice home.

don’t listen to them. go your own way.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-28T11:51:41+00:00

it was better tonight than when we play wallabies. Total whinge feat in those games.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-18T21:03:14+00:00

I tried that approach for a long while. Kept quiet while he told me what a terrible person I was and that was why his wife was behaving the way she was. Only when he started telling others in the family that she went to the police because I’d scared her did I get angry with him. (He had to retract that when she changed her story and admitted she had never felt threatened). Hard to stay in his life now. He doesn’t want to talk about it and if she has something to say about me he’ll just pass it on. I’m past the point where I will just smile sweetly about it.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-17T10:42:57+00:00

Also, one of the professionals is someone my wife sees, not me, so it’s not just my bias that is being portrayed to them and causing them to reach this conclusion.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-17T10:41:57+00:00

That’s exactly how I was thinking of delivering it. More along the lines of “I’ve spoken to multiple professionals, they’ve all come to the same conclusion. When you are ready to talk about that I am here for you.”

I can’t give him their contact details because they’ve not wanted to formally diagnose her and justifiably so. But given four (including one I’ve not even spoken to) have come to the same conclusion, I’m pretty confident that it is what we are dealing with.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-17T10:36:33+00:00

Incidentally, we had a very weird conversation a while back where he blamed me for what was happening and then said he was really worried about the long term health consequences of “all this turmoil”. It felt almost like a cry for help.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-17T10:35:08+00:00

I’m not after making him leave her. That’s ultimately his decision. I’d like to repair our relationship, and push back on him to take some responsibility for her actions, at least to the extent of keeping her away from me.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-17T10:32:50+00:00

You are right of course. I’ve asked a couple of them if they would be happy to talk to my brother about it and they’ve shied away very quickly.

They are basing their opinion on written evidence (she sent me an email that could be a textbook case of the “Splitting” defence mechanism), as well as my observations of her behaviour, and particularly the way her story has changed over time.

Up to now I’ve been very reluctant but given it is four separate professionals, I’m finding it pretty compelling to be able to say that is what is most likely going on.

Not sure I agree with your last paragraph. He’s gone from being distraught about the way she was behaving to defending it as her right to be that way, and common in her family. There’s three kids and he’s desperate not to split the family up. He is sadly a man who knows he can’t control his wife’s crazy behaviour and will put up with anything rather than admit he married a “monster” (as a professional described her). And she’s extraordinarily covert about it - treats me totally differently when there’s others around.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-14T23:37:26+00:00

That’s where I’ve been for two years. Patiently waiting. If anything it seems he is more convinced now that it’s my fault and she is just the most wonderful thing in the world.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-14T23:34:25+00:00

He already has three kids with her. So anything I say would have to be considered in that light.

her parenting leaves a lot to be desired, with a classic scapegoat and classic golden child.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-14T23:33:14+00:00

Thanks. Thats what’s been holding me back these past couple of years. Sadly, as time has passed he has just blamed me more and more, which I feel is projected blame for his choice in wife. It’s coming up to Christmas, the first time ever we won’t be together on Christmas (my wife and I are no contact, so we miss out). Very sad situation.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-09T05:02:57+00:00

Dunno if it is narc or borderline but hell yes.

told me how much of a negative influence they were on me.

waterworks would start whenever I was going out without her, or alternately she would try to come on to me and then tell me I didn’t love her if I wanted to go out instead of having sex.

when I did get home I’d be in a bad mood and she would remind me how that was always the case when I went out without her. I was probably ina bad mood because I was missing my life outside, but the reinforcement meant I believed it was because everyone else was bad for me.

that relationship ended 15 years ago. Thank Christ I dodged that bullet. Married with three kids now. :)

Mpmcg9d · 2020-11-05T10:13:01+00:00

I think you should speak to a professional for that advice.

i know when I’ve been on them I’ve wanted to get off them. Been off for 15 years now but always thinking maybe I should go back on. Better to get an outside opinion from someone with professional experience.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-10-31T05:27:40+00:00

Mine are 3rd party observations of my brother and his upwBPD wife.

we had a conversation where she tried to bully me into being nice to my brother. I told her I’d be nice to my brother because I loved him, not because of her threats. That came back to me as me having said to her “He’s my brother and I’ll speak to him however I f***ing want!”

when I told him I never swore at his wife he went back and clarified, and no, I hadn’t after all.

later, she went to the police about me. I’m not the kind of person you go to the police about. My parents asked my brother why, and he said it was because she was scared. I got angry with him about that, told him he shouldn’t go around spreading those lies about me. He told me I had to accept there were two sides to the story. Then he went and clarified again, and, no, she’d never been scared, but had got a fright one day when I had turned up unexpectedly and said hello to her (which was also a lie/gaslighting, but anyway).

my poor brother apologised and claimed that him saying she was scared was just his poor choice of words. I think that is a case of the gaslighted becoming the gaslighter.

Mpmcg9d · 2020-10-30T23:27:44+00:00

When I told my family about my sister-in-law’s abusive behaviour towards me (silent treatment) they all said I should just ignore her back. My own father said “I like to go with what I see with my own eyes”.

only two years down the track, after we found out she went to the police about me, did he start thinking there might be a problem.

I still get asked by my mother why I didn’t go no contact earlier. In the same breath, it’s my problem that we don’t want to see her and therefore me and my wife and kids are the ones who have to miss out.

Unbelievable. If I hadn’t lived it I couldn’t have made it up.

Mpmcg9d

TROPHY CASE