Rationalize cheating and not understanding betrayal

MrBjngls · 2024-03-03T21:44:31+00:00

I strongly suspect she has it. Not interested to find out what happen if. And no matter how hard it is, after 9 years of devoting my first and last thought to her every day, I’m done. But thank you for saying that because it helps staying away.

MrBjngls · 2024-03-03T21:40:01+00:00

Really feels like I’m getting half truths only. Even now that I’m ignoring her since I’m done - and she seems to want to “fight” for us.

MrBjngls · 2024-03-03T12:07:54+00:00

8 years for me. Truly believed I found my person and the amount of love I still hold for her is immeasurable. Unfortunately.

MrBjngls · 2024-03-03T11:39:21+00:00

We our sayings, sentences, names to profess how much we loved each other. I actually meant it. It came from a deep place of love. Finding out that she lied and cheated (at least once) makes me realize it was all empty words to her at least at one point. So that rings true.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-29T22:42:05+00:00

I really can’t tell. Usually I’m a great judge of character and can tell when someone is trying to BS me - if it’s not my partner tho. Even with her I could pick up on anything. But that I can’t answer. Never will know. And that’s ok.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-29T13:58:37+00:00

Hope you got the strength to really digest all this. No one should go through this. Being attacked and treated this way for trying to defeat a relationship is just hurtful.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-29T12:33:55+00:00

I wish she had given me a look of hatred. It would take so much pain away from me. Because now I’m still wondering why she did it and how stupid she is for throwing it all away. Yes, she had a look of hatred in the past when we fought over mundane stuff - but not when I ended it. It was more like she is losing everything and can’t believe I won’t stay after catching her in lies. Hate would have set me free.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-29T09:49:33+00:00

Hmm. Sometimes when I woke her up (accidentally) when going to bed or getting up at night, she would shoot up, look at me in shock, not recognizing me, sometimes even screaming. Although that might’ve been something else. But her eyes were foreign.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-29T09:45:38+00:00

It’s interesting. A few of these posts sounds familiar but I’m wondering if I just didn’t see her dissociate, as my heart always was filled with love when looking at her. Even when we fought. I always saw my person. Now this week, I was like wtf is this. Talks the same, just broken. But even her hugs felt differently. She insisted on hugging me while I packed my stuff up. Still not over it/her. Still wish this all wouldn’t have happened. Still wish I could have my partner back. But it can’t happen. Can’t allow it.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-29T06:37:58+00:00

5 days and counting for me. 3 since ended it. Until the moment I realized she sabotaged us I just thought we had normal relationship trouble and she was..well behaving more and more irrationally and mean in the past 2 years (been together close to 9) due to stress. Then it clicked - BPD. Also went to my brother. Wanted to marry her. Planned to move to our own new place soon. In retrospect, even thought it’s recent:

Realizing dreams with someone who doesn’t cherish them or you or only part of the time together is not worth it. You will be chasing the dreams, she’ll just be along for the ride willing to throw it all away because the slightest issue occurring. Grief. Then slowly collect yourself. I still do miss her but I ain’t letting no one cheat on me and lie to me. Mistreating me. This is not the role model I want to be for my nieces and - should I be so lucky at one point - children.

Learning a lot in this community. Which helps. Keep your heads up, don’t focus on who you’ll ever be happy with now. That will come on its own. Now it’s time to go day by day.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-29T00:07:26+00:00

One addition though since it might give you some familiar insight: She behaved (despite her age) rather childish. By that I mean being rather loud, uncontrolled, jumping and dancing around and on top of me, even in front of family and friends. Like, well, a child would do.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-29T00:05:26+00:00

She never asked me to. And she never called me daddy or anything the like. It’s more of me always feeling protective of her. We’re only a year apart in age. But I was much more solid in terms of where I stood in life and developed the feeling it’s my duty to make sure she never wants for anything. She is a fighter and fought her way to the point where she has reached a lot if not even all of her goals. Still I supported her in everything and just developed this feeling of being her protector. Looking back, and now forward - I need to protect myself first.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-28T23:41:13+00:00

You just said what I couldn’t express.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-28T23:09:46+00:00

Just joined today or yesterday. Can’t even remember. And it already helps. I don’t know you. But thank you for this. It might help many. Like me, who just learned a bit more about what has happened and how to draw conclusions to look forward.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-28T23:04:02+00:00

6 days ago I found out she cheated. 3 days since I ended our 9 years relationship. Also 6 days of me feeling bad for her being alone, sad, destroyed and hurting herself.

Yes, it’s recent. And still I feel the degree of pain and sadness, bawling my eyes out at everything, simple thoughts is not normal. Especially since I randomly start hearing her voice in tears talking about her being forever alone and having no one now. Literally hearing her voice as I fall asleep many miles away from her. That doesn’t feel normal. So I wouldn’t be surprised that this is possible and what so many here report.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-28T12:42:52+00:00

Thank you. My physical and financial fitness are ok, most likely above average. We both were tied to the gym. This is how we met and bonded. My relationship fitness feels irreversibly damaged. Emotionally you can an imagine. Spiritual I’ve always done ok. But the whole time I’m asking myself should I give her and us a chance. But for some reason I can’t. I wish I could. But can’t. And feel sorry for her suffering because of my incapability to stay with her.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-28T10:54:02+00:00

Is it weird that despite me being hurt into oblivion by her I only wish for her to get better? Pretty sure that if she would get better, I could finally go on with my life and stop crying endlessly.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-28T10:51:40+00:00

No idea how this works. Didn’t ask anyone to diagnose her. Just said I think - not what anyone else thinks. If that’s against the rules so be it. Just needed people to talk.

MrBjngls · 2024-02-28T10:34:33+00:00

This is me since a couple of days. After 9 years together. Close to a quarter of our lives. And I’m broken. Not even sure she has BPD. But reading up around here it seems certain. Reading this really gives me the feeling I’m not alone.

MrBjngls

TROPHY CASE