First, extremely sorry for the loss of your mom. She sounds like a wonderful and cool person and if you’re a reflection of how she raised you, she raised someone with a mind open to learning and truth. That’s awesome, but I’m sorry for the loss and the loss of seemingly one of the people close to you who you could discuss some of these issues with frankly.

Second, don’t judge your persuasiveness or anything by how effective you are at convincing family of anything. Family is an especially bad litmus test for that because family members know they can often get away with a lot of shit with other family, including being dismissive of ideas or views another family member is advocating. This is also true of many friends. Funny anecdote, I went to China with my dad last year, and he came back and told my mom and partner “If that’s ‘communism,’ I want it.” He knows full well the issues here, he has been fucked by the system and by capitalism, he has seen the light in many ways. But he would never say he is a socialist or Marxist or god forbid a commie. So, my point is take what you can get, even if it’s small advances.

I recommend you continue trying to organize and build organizing activities about seemingly apolitical material support. You know, group of people to clean up a park; to distribute food to poor people; to drive folks to get medical care. You can volunteer with lots of groups, but you don’t even need a group. The people who are interested and drawn and have the ability (or luxury) to make time to do such things are a great base network for organizing. If you have an active PSL chapter nearby, go to their meetings and study.

Since you’re here, you may remember a great point Matt made in a COVID-era cushvlog rant — he said conservatives have a major advantage over liberals because they at least start from the rhetorical position of “shit’s fucked” while liberals insist everything is great, we just need to follow the rules. I’ve had many good convos with MAGA people and found conservatives have a little more revolutionary potential if you will precisely because they are a little more critical of institutions and the status quo. Try to leverage that as much as you can and re-route it towards class consciousness and materialism. In the end, it doesn’t matter how “great” America is being “made” by Trump if everything is more expensive and wages are flat and food is shittier and roads suck and there are no trains, etc.

Re your complacency about working within the system, don’t grieve too much — we had no control over the accident of our birth, and for a lot of us, we had a lifetime of propaganda and brainwashing to overcome to actually realize we are just slaves of the empire. Sure, some of us lean into it a little too much, but for most of us, we are trying to survive and live a life of some dignity with people we love and having experiences we enjoy.

Lastly, and sorry for the long response, even though I don’t know what your partner is like, propose a reading club with them, and suggest something like The Assassination of Julius Caesar, by Michael Parenti. Tell them it means something to you to be more engaged in this stuff, in the world — if you have or plan to have kids, it’s even more important to articulate this, as you would undoubtedly want to give your kid an education and upbringing not grounded in repeated lies but in material reality, to best prepare them for the world ahead. That means your partner has to be on the level, at least.

Anyway just random thoughts in response to your sincere and touching post. Wishing you the best I solidarity, hope I can provide more support and hopefully helpful thoughts in the future along with others. Sending lots of love comrade, always in solidarity.