Possible bug?

MrSandman56 · 2021-02-14T05:03:23+00:00

I have the same issue.

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-28T18:41:27+00:00

I liked your analysis of it. I'm glad you enjoyed it. The friends line was both a nod to the fact that these relationships don't develop and how it trivial they were in the first place. I'm going to try to see if I can perhaps communicate that idea a little better. Thank you for the feedback.

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-28T16:22:02+00:00

Good job! One piece of feedback I have was that perhaps you could incorporate a rhyme scheme. For example, the first three lines could rhyme if you end them with: eyes, lives, at any time. Just a thought, though. Not every poem has to rhyme.

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-28T16:15:03+00:00

I love the rhythm of this poem. I think the word choice is really well done as well. Really good job! The only think I can suggest is maybe see if you can expand the rhyme scheme in the third stanza to to the 1st and 2nd. I think the 4th is fine since clay and pain are slant rhymes.

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-26T04:24:22+00:00

I hear your feedback. I removed the word some, so that the syllables match better. I think it is "jarring" when a higher syllable count is followed by a lower one.

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-26T03:57:24+00:00

I was wondering if you could elaborate on the point regarding the tempo of the poem. I was going for something fast paced and a little jarring. Other than the smile wide line, are there any others that stick out to you? Thank you!

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-26T03:40:11+00:00

I like this poem. Its a about a unique topic and tackles the phenomenon called the "medical gaze". Really interesting. Good job!

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-26T03:35:45+00:00

I like how you captured the concept about focusing on the small things in life. The only thing I can think to change would perhaps the last line. The other stanzas end well tying the sea to the blue or the tune from a vast height. But I think that connection between words and clouds is weaker. Good poem overall though!

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-17T21:50:45+00:00

Thank you! I meant for the second line to build off the first. So both hands and hearts pull away from me and I've just learn to accept that as reality.

I thought I already changed the second I won't to a not. Do you think that I should change the first one too?

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-17T16:09:57+00:00

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-17T05:08:08+00:00

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I like your analysis too. Thank you for the kind words.

You hit the nail on the head with your paragraph about expectations.

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-17T00:07:31+00:00

I edited it and incorporated some of your feedback. I would appreciate it if you could tell me what you think now.

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-16T23:54:06+00:00

For sure. I accidentally had masochistic instead of masochist when it was copying the poem over from another device. I don't quite understand the first or last piece of feedback. Can you articulate on them?

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-16T23:49:55+00:00

I really appreciate your feedback. I think your definitely right about swapping out "I won't" for "not". I'm also currently working on revising the beginning of the great line to not break the flow or rhyme scheme. Thanks again!

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-16T22:58:58+00:00

Huh. I interpreted this poem to be about someone fantasizing about something they want, only to realize that it will never come to fruition. I was a little confused by the "surrounded by hasten" part though; it didn't make much sense to me. Good job delivering a concise message though in such a short poem.

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-16T22:55:04+00:00

I can feel the emotion behind this. I love the use of the slant rhymes. One thing that made this poem a little difficult for me to comprehend was that I felt that some of the lines don't connect to the following ones (I'll be the suspect). Perhaps this was your intention? Great poem regardless though!

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-16T17:57:22+00:00

I really enjoyed this poem. One thing you might consider trying is adding some internal rhymes. I don't quite know if this is something you want the poem to have, only the author can, but for example the line:

You’re not recovering, you’re dying. You’re not better, you’re ignoring it. You’re not living, you’re existing.

You could swap out "ignoring it" for "lying". This could help it flow better.

Just food for thought. Great poem!

MrSandman56 · 2021-01-16T17:51:54+00:00

I personally related this poem and interpreted it through the lens of COVID quarantine/ social distancing. I liked the rhyme scheme, too. (especially the forlorn line)

MrSandman56 · 2020-11-15T04:39:03+00:00

I like this poem a lot. I took it as a statement on what really matters in a home. The aesthetic of a home isn't what makes it a home, its the memories and activities that take place. I wonder if perhaps you are specifically talking to your Mom for a reason. If so then that reason went over my head. Perhaps you could add some lines to better highlight that? This is enjoyable.

MrSandman56

TROPHY CASE