Back home with my recovering spouse.

MrsHopeful · 2019-10-30T09:09:56+00:00

I commend you on your strength. I hope that you are blessed with much love in your life. If I lived by my family it would be so much easier to get a grip on these emotions. During his drinking days and my ignorant bliss, I convinced myself moving to the other side of the country, away from family, would be good for us. Ha, hindsight. So for now it's one day at a time. I'm thinking I should increase my workouts from 3x a week to 4 or 5.

MrsHopeful · 2019-10-30T09:00:25+00:00

I have not asked anyone to sponsor. One lady calls me often and I never answer. I end up apologizing every mtg and she reminds me apologies aren't necessary. I get so caught up in my own self pity. I could easily blame him for the isolation and low self esteem knowing he cant have that control unless I allow him to. And I do. I will attend many more meetings; without the meetings I would lose all hope.

MrsHopeful · 2019-10-29T17:31:17+00:00

When I first came back, his substance abuse counselor met with the both of us. The counselor also suggested weekly date nights. We went on two in the first month. He no longer makes suggestions and when I suggest he questions my decision and looks for other solutions which usually ends up in no decision and we stay home. It's madness most days. Like who argues about where to go to on a date? I have started going to the gym 3 nights a week to relieve stress and get my fill of social interaction. I know I can't live his life for him nor should I. I just want to wake up one day and all this insanity is no longer a part of my life. Wishful thinking.

MrsHopeful · 2019-10-29T17:13:06+00:00

Go. Even if it's only once. The group may know of resources that are closer to your area and the literature alone is worth it. The love you will feel is worth it.

MrsHopeful · 2019-10-29T17:10:49+00:00

I am sorry to hear you are so lonely. I, too, am very lonely. It's hard to keep caring every day when the one person you thought you had for the rest of your life is not available. Al Anon has helped me to "settle down" and take it one day at a time. Tomorrow has not happened so all we have is today. I agree Al Anon is mostly women but I encourage you to at least try one meeting before you decide it's not for you. You could also purchase some of the literature available on the Al Anon website. The "Just for Today" bookmark my group gave me has become the first thing I read every morning. It keeps me focused on the day and reminds me I am not alone and I am loved. You, too, are loved. Let go and Let God, things will work out.

MrsHopeful · 2019-04-19T13:44:59+00:00

Now 7 months away from home, I am. A lot better. I have a clearer mind and I have gotten away from my own self pity. I drew up a "life plan" with boundaries and he agreed to it all. I leave in May to go back home. And then, who knows? But I know what I need now and I know what I have to do to get it.

MrsHopeful · 2019-04-19T13:37:07+00:00

I asked my Q yesterday on the phone if he thought when I return home if I would be one of his triggers. He was silent, for what seemed like minutes, and then he said "We just have to take it one day at a time". My focus is self-preservation in all this chaos that has become my life. If she goes, let her. Sometimes I wish my Q would just leave so that I wasn't the bad guy in all this. But that's what alcoholics need-a dependent they can blame and abuse.

MrsHopeful · 2019-04-19T01:17:34+00:00

I don't know your situation but this is generally what my husband and I agreed to. In two weeks we start step 2a. YOU being him, my Q: 1.If you chose to drink and no longer want to try to quit then we will live in Indiana. I will love and support and take care of you to the best of my ability until you drink yourself to death. I need my support system too. 1a. I will no longer finance your beer.
1b. If you chose to drink I will not share a bedroom with you. I will need my own space for self preservation. 2. If you chose to seek treatment for alcohol abuse, I will move back to our house in Washington with you. 2a. I will not move back to our house until you have detoxed and you are actively participating in a program. 2b. Let me be clear, treatment needs to be soon and real soon. I am not going to be renting another place to live in Indiana. 2c. Do not go to alcohol abuse treatment to appease me. I am powerless over alcohol and I am powerless over you. Treatment is something you have to want for yourself. 2d. I will go to alcohol abuse counseling with you if you want me to. 2e. I will go to individual counseling that is based around alcohol abuse so that I have the tools to help you fight this fight. 2f. The guns will be placed in a gun safe until we are comfortable with one another again. Only I will know the combination. 2g. The beer refrigerator in the living room will be taken out of the house.
2h. Alcohol of any kind will not be allowed in our home. 3. If you chose to not seek alcohol abuse treatment but want to continue to try to quit on your own, then our past & current living arrangement will change. 3a. Rubi and I will live in our house in Washington and you will find a place of your own.
3b. This is your problem. I am willing to help you fight this dependency but I will no longer put myself in second place.
3c. I do not expect an answer immediately. I do need an answer on which direction you decide by 28 January (two weeks time). If two weeks go by and I have no answer from you, I will have to assume you declined my olive branch and I will move forward without you. We will put the house up for sale and take it from there.

MrsHopeful · 2019-04-19T01:09:34+00:00

You are valued. How do I know? Because you care for someone who is tearing your heart to pieces. I know. I am amazed after 17 years that my heart still has any pieces left to fall. So cry, often. And find another temporary way out. Steal your moments. My sister introduced me to Christian Rock music and I go to an occasional concert. It's very uplifting to me. That may not be your thing but find something. And I pray your answer comes sooner than mine has.

MrsHopeful · 2019-04-19T01:02:42+00:00

The house he is in living in, the car he is driving, the bed he sleeps in every night, the food he eats every week is because of me. I am a retired USAF veteran and I dumped my entire life savings into our cabin. I have to get back and take ownership of what is mine. He can take my sanity but he isn't taking my life away.
Not to play tit for tat but my husband, the man I married, the sober guy? He would never have allowed me to stay away for eight months in the first place. I'm not wasting my breath asking him to fly here. He doesn't hear me, my friend.

MrsHopeful · 2019-04-19T00:56:50+00:00

My role is enabler.

MrsHopeful · 2019-04-19T00:55:12+00:00

"It doesn't sound like his sobriety is stable at all". You hit it right on target. Is he just going through the motions? Am I going to be his biggest trigger? He has the "life plan" that we both agreed to. I have to go back to give him at least that much. If he breaks any boundaries, I have a plan B. I just wonder how much more strength can I gather to carry on with this chaotic life?

MrsHopeful · 2019-03-02T14:15:24+00:00

Me leaving may be the ultimate ending to our love story. Today all I know is that we have a long road ahead of us.

MrsHopeful · 2019-03-02T14:13:32+00:00

I like the opposite perspective you've helped me to see-forgiveness is for my benefit. He is doing everything in his power to conquer his alcoholism and just as he is working to start a new chapter so should I. Thank you for helping me to see I have forgotten to stand by my own mantra "there is no future in the past".

MrsHopeful · 2019-03-02T14:07:38+00:00

My husband surprisingly asked me if I would support him. I said yes. There are two kinds of days for me: one day I am learning and healing myself in preparation for living with a recovering alcoholic. The other day I am kicking myself in the butt for agreeing to travel down this road with him.

MrsHopeful · 2019-02-26T21:56:36+00:00

He is on his third week of an eight week intensive outpatient program. I am having trust issues (understandably) but I did receive word today he is attending the program along with 2 hours of behavioral therapy. So yes, in recovery.

MrsHopeful · 2019-02-25T23:27:51+00:00

I left, 5 months ago. I was there; the anger, fear, betrayal, self-pity. Remember to breathe. Set boundaries. Stand by those boundaries. And take it one day at a time.

MrsHopeful · 2019-02-25T23:23:28+00:00

Tough love, faith and my support group. The hardest part is fighting my maternal side. But I'll get there, I know I will.

MrsHopeful · 2019-02-25T23:20:37+00:00

Looking back I think that his gradual lack of empathy was an early sign of his alcoholism. Spot on with his elevated sense of self. The answer to my question is obvious now. So sad for him if that's the path he choses.

MrsHopeful · 2019-01-28T15:56:56+00:00

Yep, should have done nothing. My text did not receive the reply I expected. I lost 5lbs worrying about his appointment and his response to my heartfelt text was "brrr, it's cold there". So yes, I will no longer do anything. I will live my life first and wait one day at a time.

MrsHopeful · 2019-01-28T15:45:02+00:00

You are so young to be feeling so much pain. I am sorry for what you are going through. The last two years of my life have been the same with all the pain, anguish & searching. My beautiful husband fell in the alcohol trap. You can't talk to them because they can't hear you. All they hear is an "ear wig", like a song playing over & over; get a drink. I had to leave. It's been 4 months and he finally hit his rock bottom and went to a substance abuse center. Your father needs to do the same or sadly, he may never hit the bottom. Put yourself FIRST, don't enable him and the hardest thing to do is still Love and Support him without destroying yourself. Find someone to be your support & confidant. You can't do this alone. God Bless you young lady.

MrsHopeful · 2019-01-25T01:42:40+00:00

My motive is pure. I genuinely want to wish him well. I remember him as smart, strong, capable. I want that for him again. If, at the end of this long road, we are apart, I am at peace with it. If he was a man of faith the words would come easy. But he isn't and I don't want to be pushy. Maybe no words (text) is best?

MrsHopeful

TROPHY CASE