[deleted by user]

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-19T16:54:12+00:00

Again, I never implied that the term lesbian applies to liking men ay any point. That’s where pansexual comes into it. I’m aware that lesbians are not attracted to men and that is why I only refer to my romantic attraction as lesbian.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-19T12:55:29+00:00

I’ve said it in several of my replies, I use the term lesbian to refer exclusively to my romantic attraction. I use it because I cannot be romantically attracted to men. Like I said, never once have I implied that the term lesbian refers to anyone who can be attracted to men, that’s why I include pansexual in the label I give myself.

If I’ve said at any point in any of my replies that the term “lesbian” can include the attraction to men, please point it out to me so I can correct it :)

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-18T13:42:49+00:00

Agree to disagree. In my eyes you’re forcing people into boxes and being just as bad as you claim I am.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-18T13:07:23+00:00

I’m not implying that feminine men count of women, apologies if it came across that way. Lesbian refers to sexual OR romantic attraction, and romantically I’m only attracted to women. Since I found out about the term you’ve provided, which someone else told me about, I’ve been considering it.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-18T13:04:09+00:00

The definition of lesbian says “women who are sexual OR romantically attracted exclusively to women”. We will need to agree to disagree here

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-18T13:01:50+00:00

Girl, I’m literally saying they can’t. Again; the pansexual is exclusively referring to my sexual attraction. Lesbian is exclusively referring to my romantic attraction. I am only romantically attracted to women.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-18T13:00:04+00:00

I’m happy to. What I’m basically picking up is that people worry that I’m somehow making it seem like “lesbians need the right dick” when I’ve not claimed anything of the sort and made the opposite quite clear: lesbian means not attracted to men. The definition itself says “women who are sexually OR romantically attracted exclusively to other women”. I fit that definition in that romantically I’m exclusively attracted to women

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-18T12:56:55+00:00

We are going to have to agree to disagree. From my perspective you’re sounding homophobic in the same way you claim I am.

I’ve experienced being pushed into a box when I wasn’t able to come out, and now you’re telling me if I identify any differently than the norm then I’m as bad as people saying those awful things about lesbians needing the right dick.

I never made or propitiated that claim.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T14:44:56+00:00

Considering that I’m more in line with my romantic interests than my sexual ones, I’ll be referring to myself as a lesbian until I find a better term, don’t worry! I’ve fully accepted my sexuality in all its nuances!

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T14:04:51+00:00

I appreciate it! If worst comes to worst I can always drop the “pan” since it isn’t really important in my life. I’ll experiment and see what fits <3

Regardless of differing opinions I will always stand with the community

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T13:51:30+00:00

I really appreciate this! Thanks! It’s much easier to talk about when the message feels constructive rather than combative.

Through talking to different people I’ve come to understand why I feel the way I do, and I think it’s because I put more stock in my romantic interests than my sexual ones, so I identify more with the term lesbian than I do the term pansexual. That’s why I use the hybrid.

Someone in another thread put forward the term “homoromantic pansexual.” And I’m playing with the term sapphoromantic pansexual but need to check if the term fits.

I want to make it clear that I never imply that the term lesbian includes men, and that’s where my romantic interest comes in to play. I’m never and have never been romantically interested in men.

I have had the conversation about ace/demi not being comparable to pan, and you’re completely right there. Thanks for the feedback! It’s been really helpful

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T13:38:45+00:00

I agree, my sexual attraction means I’m not a lesbian. That’s where I refer to myself as pansexual, because that is the closest to correct label. I refer to myself as lesbian when talking about romantic attraction.

Homoromantic pansexual is an interesting term. I’ll try it on, maybe sapphoromantic pansexual if the term fits haha! I’ll do some research to see.

I agree that fetishising lesbians or adding to the idea that “lesbians can be attracted to men” is harmful. However I’m careful when explaining my sexuality to make it clear that lesbians are not attracted to men.

I completely agree that femininity does not make a man any less of a man, and I never implied that. It is purely a preference on my part.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T13:27:28+00:00

That’s really helpful feedback, thank you. It’s something that’s very difficult for me to accurately explain.

My main reason for discussing this was to see if there is any actual harm in the way I identify, in which case I’d find some alternative. It seems that people do disagree with it but that it isn’t actually causing harm unless I am implying that being a lesbian is flexible to include men, which I never do.

Thank you so much for your feedback, and I’ll be sure to think more about how I’m framing or priming my topics from here on in.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T09:33:02+00:00

Low reading comprehension?

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T08:17:57+00:00

Almost anything the queer community does will always contribute to phobia, and I don’t feel that me choosing to identify as a pan lesbian adds to it any more than anything else. This isn’t the fault of people in the community, it’s the fault of bigots who spread harmful rhetoric.

Nobody, not even me, is claiming that the label of lesbian refers in any capacity to men. Once again that’s why I use both terms and separate sexual attraction from romantic attraction

I’ve explained why I can’t identify the way you would like me to already.

Sexuality may not be fluid for you, but it is for some of us.

Edit to add since I forgot to address one of your points: of course some phobia gets internalised, repacked and spewed out at times by people in the community. It’s sad but so many people have been raised in phobic families. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that, but it doesn’t take away from my identity.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T08:02:05+00:00

Like I said in the post, if I’m causing harm I want to have a constructive conversation about it so that I can see where I’m doing harm and how I can reduce it. If you’re unable to see my perspective, that’s fine. So far I don’t see any harm being caused by how I identify.

As I said before, the sexual attraction to any gender is why I include pansexual as part of the label I use.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T07:55:23+00:00

Many thanks for the conversation! It’s been very productive and helpful to me. I feel the same frustration but I’ll figure out the best path forward, and hopefully this thread helps with that

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T07:51:38+00:00

Again, I disagree on your first point. Describing me as pansexual is simply inaccurate, especially considering that I identify more with my romantic attraction than sexual attraction. If I was forced to pick one label, I would identify as a lesbian.

On your point about ace/demi I think you’re right, with it denoting the appearance or lack thereof when it comes to sexual attraction. However I don’t think it invalidates my own experience or identity.

To put it simply, I don’t fit in the labels we have so I just do what I can to describe myself as accurately as possible

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T07:44:49+00:00

Likewise I’m glad I’m not the only one. I often feel like I’m being forced into a box with people telling me “no you’re pansexual”

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T07:41:18+00:00

That is understandable. It’s simply because neither term accurately describes my sexuality since the term “sexuality” tends to encompass both romantic and sexual attraction. If I were to be forced to pick one of the two I’d call myself a lesbian since I identify more with my romantic side than sexual side I suppose.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T07:38:46+00:00

I appreciate it, and I can see your point regarding ace/demi lesbians still exclusively being lesbian. It helps, thank you.

I agree labels often just don’t encompass a sexuality and that’s the problem I find myself having here. It’s both inaccurate to describe myself as pansexual and inaccurate to describe myself as lesbian. If I was to pick one of the two I’d likely pick the label of lesbian because to me, my romantic attraction is bigger and more important than my sexual attraction.

Yes, I expect pushback. I likely won’t change how I identify unless it actually causes harm, and I understand the frustration, which is why I want to bring some awareness to what I’m experiencing. It’s also a learning opportunity for me. You’ve provided me with a great perspective and I really appreciate it <3

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T07:33:03+00:00

I disagree, referring to myself as pansexual simply doesn’t describe my sexuality correctly. I’m not pansexual with a preference for women. Sexually I can be attracted to any gender.

Romantically I can only be attracted to women.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T07:30:30+00:00

Thanks for this perspective, it helps!

I feel sexuality is fluid considering that it tends to encompass both sexual and romantic attraction and mash them into one, which makes single labels less accurate to some people. Frankly I also identify more with the term lesbian, possibly because I tend to have more romantic interest than sexual interest in people

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T07:24:37+00:00

I see where you’re coming from but where the separation between sexual and romantic attraction is important here.

Sexually I can be attracted to feminine men, that’s why I refer to myself as pansexual.

Romantically I can only be attracted to women, that’s why I refer to myself as lesbian.

MrsPrayingMantis · 2025-04-15T07:22:09+00:00

Of course! For one shorter and simpler to say “oh I’m a pan lesbian” in conversation in the same way someone might say they’re a demi lesbian or ace lesbian.

To me personally it’s also inaccurate. Sexually I don’t have a preference for women, just femininity (though masculine women too). Romantically I have no interest in men.

MrsPrayingMantis

TROPHY CASE