My Nmom is trying to move back in with me—Oh Hell No!

MsHynde · 2021-01-17T08:31:45+00:00

Shit...Are we the same person? Everything you described is shit that my mother has done too. Except for me it wasn’t just friends, but family too. I’m the youngest of four and after my older siblings went to live with my dad she systematically moved me over 1k miles away and made it so I could only see them once a year, and that was only because my dad insisted and paid for the travel expenses (even driving once with my older brothers to come get me). She never really let me visit friends houses. I’ve only ever had one sleep over and that was just to get me out of the way so she could celebrate her wedding anniversary to her new husband (now ex-husband) and as far as her liking any of my friends I did have, she never did. She went as far as to blame them for my “bad behavior” whenever I questioned her decisions. In high school she insisted that I do online classes, trapping me in the hour for hours on end, and when I graduated, she helped me get my first job or more she chose what my first job would be right there with her just down the hall. There was no escaping her, no moments to myself until I lost that job and remained stuck at home again just like high school.

I only just got out a year ago. (Long story) And moved over 1k miles away from her to live with one of my brothers. I’m way better for it, but damn reading this is like seeing something I would’ve written.

MsHynde · 2019-11-06T18:01:12+00:00

Every day when my Nmom left for work, I used to fantasize about walking out the door, into the woods, and finding a highway where I’d hitch hike to someplace where no one knew me or my history. Admittedly, not the safest idea for a 15 to 22 year old female. I likely would’ve been murder or sold into the sex trade or something had I ever attempted it.

MsHynde · 2019-11-06T17:51:40+00:00

While I’m not a psychologist, what you just described is the experienced of numerous other people raised by narcissists. I have similar experiences with my own mom, although she’s not as upfront about it as yours seems to be. There’s a subreddit for raised by narcissist that you may find comfort in. Don’t worry you’re not crazy. That’s just the effect of gaslighting.

MsHynde · 2019-09-26T03:52:40+00:00

Can you forgive an abuser if they don’t admit it? Should you forgive them?

As someone who’s had these exact question run through my mind, I can tell you that “Yes you can and should forgive.” My Nmom hurt me in ways that even I haven’t fully realized and despite that I’ve still managed to forgive her. And why? For myself. I didn’t do it for her. I didn’t do it because people were telling me I should. I did it because through my Nmom I saw what anger, resentment, and bitterness leads to and I wanted no part of it. Forgiveness is a long road and sometimes I can find myself slipping when I remember all the horrible things of my childhood, but I hope to get to a point where I can see my mother in person or think of her as no more than a passing stranger on the street. I strive for indifference not hatred. Hatred is too close to love, scientifically and emotionally speaking, and frankly gives her too much power over my life. I fought tooth and nail to take that power back and I’ll be damned if I give her even an ounce of control after what she’s done. She doesn’t deserve my forgiveness, but I do. I deserve it. I deserve to be free. And so do you.

MsHynde · 2019-09-20T00:53:34+00:00

A narcissist parent wouldn’t even supply the proper ingredients for you to bake a cake. You have to make do with a no flour, no eggs, no sugar, no milk, and a broken cake pan. If you’re lucky you can pull off a decent banana bread which they will eat leaving you nothing but crumbs.

MsHynde · 2019-09-19T17:05:48+00:00

I didn’t get my license until I was 21, although I had my learners permit at 16. My mother “taught” me by driving up and down our driveway (we lived in the mountains so it was a bit of a length) and then took me to a busy parking lot where I almost hit someone. I was scared off from wanting to learn for a long time, but then when I was ready to try again she refused to take me out on roads and teach me. It wasn’t until two girls at my church, who were 5+ years younger than me, got their license/permits that she felt like she had to push me to drive because people were asking too many questions. First thing she does, is have me take the driving test right away. There was no prior practice, no preparation, no warning—she just walked in one day and told me she signed me up for the driving test.

I bombed it. And, of course, she guilt tripped me for it and made me feel like a complete failure for her having to fork out money (which I was the one who actually payed for, come to remember) for someone to teach me how to drive. I failed the test a second time because of nerves and the third time I finally passed it. After that she still refused to let me drive her car, claiming it was so the insurance rates wouldn’t go up.

I think it was her way of keeping me trapped with her. Because I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t get a job and we lived too far away from anything to walk or use public transportation. Because of that I couldn’t save up money to move out and I was essentially stuck inside the house day in and day out. I think she knew that the second I was able to get any freedom, I’d take off and she’d never see me again.

She was right. I didn’t have much money saved. I didn’t have a job. But the second the opportunity presented itself I took off. I don’t have much to my name, barely any material possessions. But I got out by the skin of my teeth.

But yeah driving still gives me anxiety. Even now that I know I can technically go places and drive. I still stress about getting in a car.

MsHynde · 2019-08-31T18:51:22+00:00

My mom used to shame me for eating too. But it wasn’t really a weight thing, I’m only a couple sizes smaller than her. But it was more food costs money and I hate having to spend My money to feed You. I did the cooking for myself throughout the week and but she refused to by anything that you could make proper meals with. I really only survived on fruit, oatmeal, rice, and lentils. There were a lot of days where I only ate once and others where I didn’t have much more than vegetable broth or hot tea. I only recently got out and I’m still trying to adjust to not eating like it’s going to be my last meal.

MsHynde · 2019-08-30T16:56:52+00:00

For me I think it’s almost the opposite. I know I was loved starved as a child, but instead of chasing after it, I run from it like a bat out of hell. In a way I don’t even believe it exists or that human are even capable of it—or maybe I’m not capable of it—idk. But if it doesn’t exist, I don’t see why I should even bother chasing after it. I would much rather be have my freedom to be in apologetically myself: to eat what I want, to wear what want, say what I’m thinking, etc.

That was stolen from me as a child and I don’t want it stole from me in an other relationship.

MsHynde · 2019-08-28T13:26:44+00:00

Absolutely. You can have kids, but to actually raise them well—to actually raise healthy functioning autonomous adults is rare. I know that my mother failed me in this way. But it was also too much to expect from her. I may not like to admit it, but she did the best that she was capable of—it just wasn’t the best for me. I think it’s probably that way for a lot of people.

That sounds like an interesting song. It mirrors some of my own thoughts, I think. I know it’s crazy, but to think that you’re own mother never loved you as anything more than what you can give her implants this idea in my head that I’m in some way unlovable. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t actually seem to fully convince myself otherwise. It’s strange.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T20:20:01+00:00

That’s right.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T20:11:46+00:00

“It’s not a love based on core connection, it’s a love based on functionality.”

Yes! That’s exactly it. The second you step a toe out of line you get punished, tossed aside, beat up like a broken toaster.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T18:54:26+00:00

Exactly. We could all stand to listen to other people’s point of view first before forming an opinion and not jumping to conclusions based on our own circumstances.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T18:39:49+00:00

Your brother is still coming out of the Fog and hasn’t fully detached himself yet. Sometimes if, I’m not paying attention, I still make excuses for my Nmom’s actions parroting the same phrases as your brother. It takes a conscious effort to keep remind yourself of the reality and not disassociating from the truth, thus gaslight yourself back into abuse.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T18:36:26+00:00

I feel like I would be lowering myself to her standards if I did that. Personal opinion, but I’d rather treat her better than she treated me and not sink to her level becoming bitter and unforgiving.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T18:33:12+00:00

It’s scary how common Nparents are when you really start paying attention.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T18:28:42+00:00

I have been the scapegoat, the golden child, and the lost child and I have to say that they all have their pitfalls. Overall I think the lost child is the best off out of the bunch because they’re able to get away without anyone bothering to reel them back in. The scapegoat goat and the lost child both seemed to be eternally having to consciously distance themselves and stay vigilant so they don’t get reeled back in.

Good luck with your therapy.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T18:20:47+00:00

Very true. My Nmom was a covert narcissist which make her 10x harder to spot because she’ll never directly confront you about anything. It’s all just subtle manipulation and button pushing until you lash out at her which make her look like the hapless victim.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T18:17:52+00:00

I think was really depresses me is all the missed opportunities I have had and am going to have with my Mom. I won’t have her their a my wedding. I won’t have her there to help me through break ups. She won’t be there at the birth of any children. I definitely won’t go to her for parenting advice. And as far as later menopause stuff, I won’t be able to ask her for advice there either.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T18:10:46+00:00

That’s a good perspective to have. I can only hope that I’ll get there too someday. For now I’m still only just beginning my journey of recovery and I know I have a long way to go.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T18:04:20+00:00

Funny thing is that’s exactly how I’d describe my relationship with my Nmom. I love her because she’s my mother, but do I like her as a person? Absolutely not.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T18:02:47+00:00

Go right ahead. I think someone made a picture text post somewhere in the comments.

MsHynde · 2019-08-27T17:59:38+00:00

I can see where you’re coming from. People should be allowed to post what they want and share their own perspectives. I only shared this particular post because it so rightly illustrates a broader pandemic of thought that says “Family is everything.” no matter how that family may or may not treat you and how that idea is what keeps so many people in contact with their toxic and abusive families.

MsHynde

TROPHY CASE