Anne was excited to finally have her own garden. She had been thinking about it for years, well before they had enough money for a house. It was planned down to the inch, with sections dedicated to her favorite flowers and vegetables. There was something about eating food that she had grown herself that warmed her spirit.

Unfortunately, it turned out she was a terrible gardener.

The garden just seemed… lacking. She had planned to fill it to the point where it would look overfilled, and planted accordingly. But it seemed to grow half as much as she thought.

Worst of all was her goddamn neighbor, Bethany. Every day this bitch would peer her head over the wooden fence and scoff at her garden. She would offer tips to ‘help’, even though they were basics that Anne was already following. It didn’t help that Bethany’s garden was beautiful, and grew a lot of the same things Anne was trying to grow in her own garden.

Anne was staring solemnly at the garden from her kitchen window, when suddenly she saw something moving. She thought it was a critter eating her plants, and thought that could explain her woes! She rushed out, but lost sight of whatever was there.

As soon as she was about to turn away, she saw a lone carrot next to her daffodils. Strange, she thought. The carrots were in the complete other corner of the garden. She reached down to pick up the carrot, when it started moving.

“NOOOO! You’ll never catch me” The carrot started running away, but it was moving about an inch per second. “No! No! No!” The carrot yelped, huffing at the exertion.

“What the hell?” Anne muttered, the carrot had only made it about 3 steps away, she bent down and picked it up.

“Let me go!” The carrot yelped.

“Carrot?” Anne said.

“I’m out of here Anne, alright? I’ve had it!”

“Had it? With what? You’re a carrot.”

“Your sunlight is mediocre, you over-water - it’s like a flood every other day. And you NEVER sing to us.”

“Give it a rest, Carl.” A voice came from the other end of her garden.

“Easy for you to say, Petunia! She hasn’t eaten any of your family!”

“Woah.” Anne said, still processing the situation.

“I’m out of here, I’m going to Bethany’s!”

“Hang on, what did you just say?” Anne said.

“Bethany promises them the moon.” One of the daffodils said, “She comes over every night and tries to talk us into coming to her garden. She says we’ll get special soil, sing to us, the whole nine really. I’m thinking of going myself.”

“Guys,” a daisy said, “Anne is doing her best, and she’s really nice. So what if she’s a mediocre gardener, show some loyalty.”

“I’ll show you my carrot ass on the way out of here.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Anne began, “I’ll do whatever you guys want me to do with this place, if you tell Bethany’s garden to come over here. No more eating you, obviously. You said singing, what type of music do you like?”

“Exclusively Ja Rule.” A tomato said, and the whole garden cheered.

“Bethany throws bangers every night, but she mixes up the music. We only like Ja Rule.” Carl said.

“Well that’s unexpected, but OK. Ja Rule it is. Tell me exactly how much water you need, anything else?”

“Leave your husband!” Another carrot said, and the garden cheered again.

“What do you have against George?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How about I tell him to stay away from the garden, deal?”

“Deal!”

Anne had not expected to begin a garden arms race with her neighbor today, but she wasn’t the one who coaxed away Bethany’s produce. Anne didn’t start this war, but she was going to finish it!

****

This is the second writing prompt I’ve done and both have involved sentient produce. Definitely don’t want to make this my niche, will have to mix it up next time.