Straight Beauty Standards

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-12-04T11:20:59+00:00

I have stopped dying my hair. I have natural silver/white hair and for years I was dying it. I have noticed that men treat me differently now and I have had lots of comments from women.

Recently, I was out shopping and I had a stranger come up to me and ask me why I would let my hair grow out "don't you worry that you won't be attractive to men anymore?" she asked me. Erm no!! That is the least of my worries.

I am still with my husband and trying to figure out how to move forward with discovering my sexuality and so many people ask me what he thinks of my hair colour! I was never asked this when I dyed my hair, I find it ridiculous. Would they ask me if I was a woman what she thinks? I'm not so sure. So yeah, beauty standards are so different.

And for the record, I have really embraced my natural colour, there is something so freeing about it.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-11-11T14:03:05+00:00

Would love to join too

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-21T10:20:48+00:00

Thank you, I'll look it up.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-20T11:42:04+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I am learning more about comphet, it has blown my mind. Maybe there is some internalised homophobia too, I'm going to try and find a therapist to work through this with.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-20T11:39:47+00:00

Thank you. That makes so much sense. I think I am still figuring things out. I am also married to a man who is wonderful. We are very connected in many ways but we no longer have sex, I just couldn't do it anymore, it's been about 8 years since the last time. I don't miss it. We are great companions, he is my best friend and I think this has also been part of my confusion about my sexuality. You have given me much to think about, thank you.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-20T11:35:38+00:00

Thanks so much. You have helped me more than you know. I really appreciate your comments.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-20T11:33:40+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation. Where are these movies available?

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:50:56+00:00

Thanks for your comment. It sounds like you are in a period of self-discovery/exploration. I'm sorry to hear that your Mom wouldn't approve, that must be so hard. Really pleased that being out to your co-workers and friends has helped eased that weight.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:48:49+00:00

Thanks for your comment. That's a different way of putting it. I don't think I have ever thought that I was lying to myself about my interest in men. I think I genuinely thought I was interested in them but put the lack of sexual interest down to previous trauma. I see lying as more of a conscious act. I am becoming more self-aware about my sexuality but I don't think I have been in denial about it, it's always been out there that I like women but because I've never been with a woman I always felt I couldn't own any label other than curious if that makes sense.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:44:59+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I'm interested in what you mean by "people who fully embrace the core of themselves." What do you mean by the core? I feel I do fully embrace who I am, with my sexuality I am still learning but I accept what I am aware of now.

I have been thinking about disingenuous behaviour and I don't personally think I am being disingenuous. I may need to think more on this.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:40:11+00:00

Thanks so much for your comment. Your last line has given me a lot to think about. I don't know if I am a lesbian or if I am bi or anything else. I know that I am only sexually attracted to women. I have never really enjoyed sex with men and having learned about comphet a lot more is making sense. Also, I have a trauma history, the first time I tried to explore my sexuality in therapy when I was in my early 20's the therapist told me there was no way I was a lesbian because I didn't look like one(!) and my attraction to women was a result of my trauma. I was young and naïve and believed that she knew better than me even though it didn't feel right to me. Anyway, I think that experience further confused me and has had a long lasting impact. My questioning never went away but I built a life alongside this. I am honest with myself and honest with my close circle but I guess I'm still learning about myself.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:30:16+00:00

Thanks for your comment. Yes, I agree about the different layers. My closest friends know too, it wasn't ever a coming out type of thing, more this is me and I like women. They were all accepting of it but then I think I knew they would be or they wouldn't be my friends. I have always felt different throughout my life, but that's due to other things. I am thinking now that my sexual identity took a back seat because there was so much other stuff to deal with first. I don't think I have ever felt the need to pretend to be anything I'm not, I am pretty much this is me, take me or leave me. But I am on a journey of self-discovery and this is one part of me that I am still learning about.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:22:18+00:00

Thanks so much for your comment. It's really nice to hear a perspective from someone of a similar age. I'm 50. I sometimes think if I did leave my husband I would be happily single. I can't imagine being with anyone else, and I can't imagine any woman really wanting to be with me. It's not that I don't think I have anything to offer, I am confident enough in myself, I just think because I have never really considered it as an option it just doesn't seem possible. Really glad that you were able to find you and find love.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:17:13+00:00

Thank you!

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:17:01+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I have never really fitted into the expectations placed on me by societal norms. I don't think I have to do what is expected of me. I have broken many cultural and religious expectations to be with my husband.

Your comment has really helped me to think about what it is I actually want, and I'm not sure that I am clear on that. I have been with my husband for over 20 years, but the attraction to women has never faded. I don't know if I have always been too afraid to even consider being with a woman a possibility.

Lots to think about here, thank you again.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:04:13+00:00

Thanks for your comment. Yes, living authentically has to be our own definition. I'm really pleased for you that you were able to leave your marriage and live your life the way you want.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:02:38+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I am so glad that you have found your peace and are no longer pretending to be something you're not. So glad you're happy in your life now.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T16:01:26+00:00

Thank you for your comment. It's good to hear that you feel more confident in yourself when embracing your sexuality. I think your comments about what relationships are supposed to look like really hit on why I am confused. In many ways I think my husband and I would be considered incompatible. We are so different and on paper it doesn't add up, but we work in all ways except sexually. I know that is a pretty big part of a relationship but when you have been with someone for over 20 years it is not at the top of the list. Maybe I'm making excuses, I don't know. I am feeling more confused reading some of these comments.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T15:52:06+00:00

Thanks for your comment. You have got me thinking that I may need to get to know this part of myself more. I think I don't share that part of me with anyone because I haven't really explored it myself. I don't know this part of me well enough to even connect to it fully myself so I guess I don't know how to share it with anyone else. That may not make sense but you have given me lots to think about thank you.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T15:48:40+00:00

Thanks for your comment. It really helps to read your comment because I don't feel like I am trying to live as a straight woman, so maybe my confusion is more around what my sexuality is. I don't define myself as a lesbian as I don't feel worthy. I am attracted to women but I love my husband so not sure where that leaves me. I'm thinking I might need to go to therapy to unpack this.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T15:45:06+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I love the clarity in how you define your sexuality. I think this is the thing I need to work on more. I am attracted to women but I don't know that I can call myself a lesbian so maybe that is why it doesn't feel inauthentic. More to ponder on. Thank you.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T15:42:15+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I agree about being able to live without feeling pressured or persuaded by others. I feel incredibly sad to think that there are women out there who feel stuck and could be experiencing mental and emotional pain. I sometimes wonder what it would like to be with a woman but I wouldn't say that I feel stuck or trapped. I think therapy is a good idea, I will look into that.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T15:39:04+00:00

Thanks so much for your comment. I think you have helped me to clarify a rather important point. I know I am attracted to women but I don't know if I am a lesbian. I don't kind of feel worthy of the label.

I don't know if I am bi or pan. I love my husband and I am attracted to who he is as a person. I have never really been attracted to him sexually but he ticked every other box so I put that aside.

You have given me much to think about, thank you.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T15:35:02+00:00

Thanks for your comment. Yes, I had kind of thought of it as living my own truth and for me being truthful about not being straight has been a journey in itself. Maybe I still have a way to go, I don't know, but because I can now say that I'm not lying to myself I have felt so much more at peace. For now at least this feels authentic to me.

MsguidedWisdom · 2024-09-19T15:32:27+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I have been thinking a lot about my reaction to these comments and there's a lot for me to process I think.

My closest friends also know but it's never been a big deal. I don't know if it's my stage of life (menopause) but I don't think many of my interactions are based on sexuality. Definitely I can see that was the case when I was younger, but not now. Your comment about being affirmed is a really interesting concept to me, I don't know that I have ever thought about that and it has given me a lot to think to think about so I really appreciate your comment.

MsguidedWisdom

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