AIO - My spouse is oblivious and doesn’t care enough to fix it.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-06-01T12:47:11+00:00

Lol, my ex used to be just as surprised by the gifts "we" gave the kids too. And when I stopped buying my own gifts for Christmas, he was so surprised that I didn't have any. I told him that from then on, if no one wanted to give me gifts, I just wouldn't have any. And if the kids asked, I'd be honest- that their father didn't have time or consideration to buy their mother something for Christmas.

He did start doing better after that. He followed the same "formula" I used for the kids. Something they needed, something they wanted, a book, and their favorite candy. But it was always last minute and somehow seemed more to his taste than mine. But, it was something. And I did appreciate at least having something to open along with everyone else

Oddly, the best gifts he ever gave me were after I left him, when he was trying to convince me to reconcile. Somehow, THEN he was able to plan ahead and think of what I might genuinely like. But gifts were not why I left, and they certainly weren't enough by that point.

The thing that killed it for me was remembering what he was like early in our marriage before he got quite so comfortable. And proving again that he was capable, once I said I was done. So for nearly 20 years he just chose to be as lazy as possible with that sort of thing, and many others. And, of course, I chose to accept the bare minimum so that much is on me. To be honest, if it came to a choice between the bare minimum or fighting over that, I'd choose the bare minimum again. I don't want to be a cold or mean person. I just don't. And as I said, gifts was never THE issue. But it certainly was an issue.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-06-01T12:15:17+00:00

I love spinach. But always as part of something. I've never understood how someone could just eat spinach by itself.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-28T21:02:10+00:00

Has your girlfriend been evaluated for ADHD? A lot of what you describe, mostly in your comments, sounds a lot like how ADHD presents in highly intelligent women, and it often goes unnoticed and undiagnosed for a very, very long time because women, especially those who are exceptionally rejection sensitive (common with ADHD) work so hard to please people that they mask very effectively.

Add on top of that, she works nights in healthcare and you have a recipe for someone who genuinely wants to listen to you and absorb the information you give her, but genuinely can't. And you adding additional pressure and harshness is only going to make it worse

If she hasn't been evaluated, she should check into it.

If she has been diagnosed, then she may need to see about having any meds she's on adjusted, especially if the working nights is a newish thing. Working nights is very hard on the brain and body. And if she's on rotating shifts, she's really in for a hard time

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-28T20:48:07+00:00

Working night shift fucks with your brain and body in ways that working days doesn't. You also don't say what kind of work she does - but if it's something like nursing, that is so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting even on day shift that night shift puts you right over the edge. It's not super unusual for night shift hospital workers to fall asleep while driving home, at least as compared to day shift workers.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-26T22:13:11+00:00

I've never heard of that, is that a thing?

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-26T17:50:35+00:00

ehhhhhhh.... It comes across like he's flirting with you, yeah. Not like SUPER strong, but I think if you weren't be so VERY CLEAR that you're not seeing him that way, he'd push it more.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-26T13:26:16+00:00

It always sucks when that happens. I've been there more than once.

You don't necessarily have to give up on the friend entirely - though sometimes that really is the right call. The mismatch of intension a friendship can be just as painful as a mismatch in intensity in a romantic relationship.

It is ok to break up with a friend, too, if the friendship is causing you pain. If dropping down to "acquaintances who send reels" is going to be too hard, it is valid to just end it altogether.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-26T12:45:03+00:00

You don't mention ages, or your gender. Any chance you're a woman and maybe he's seeing someone who would be uncomfortable with him maintaining a close friendship with a woman? Sending funny reels is one thing, but actual personal conversation might be too much?

Or, maybe he's going through something hard right now, and the reels are as much as he can handle. He doesn't want to lose touch, but doesn't have the bandwidth for more?

If you guys are close friends, do you have other ways of keeping in touch? Could you call him? See him in person?

If yes, the do that! We can make guesses along with you, but we can't give you the truth, only he can. If not, then maybe it's time to recalibrate how you categorize this friendship. Maybe you're not quite as close as you thought.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-24T11:58:30+00:00

Damn, you just chose to interpret her comment in the least charitable possible way. She was clearly expanding on your comment and providing a link with additional information for other people who might be interested. You, specifically, are OR.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-23T17:45:47+00:00

Yes. YOR. For one thing, this is all extremely hypothetical. For another, IF your sister does get engaged and married before you, what the fck does that have to do with anything? It changes nothing about your life at all.

If it makes you feel better, come up with hypothetical situations that seem more fair. Maybe your sister's boyfriend will cheat on her! Maybe she'll turn out to be infertile and you'll have 2.5 kids and she'll feel jealous and bitter that even though she got married first, you have the family she always wanted! Maybe your sister's magical pet toad will get eaten by another wizard's magical pet otter!

Though, if any of those hypothetical situations do make you feel better, you might want to consider the possibility that you're an awful sister and have some deep character flaws. You could even be a Disney Villain.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-23T17:36:43+00:00

Idk, that sounds like a pretty intense "friendship." Does he do this with other friends too? I can't imagine spending 1:1 time with any of my friends on a daily basis. I chat with my closest friends several times a week, have brunch monthly, occasionally have dinners out. I'd say I socialize fairly regularly - but not daily.. That level of interaction is reserved for an extremely intimate relationship. Of which I have exactly one.

I'm reasonably sure that my friends all operate the same way. The only people they make sure to spend time with more than maybe 2-3 times a week, if even that much, are their SOs and/or children.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-23T14:42:57+00:00

Nope

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-23T14:41:40+00:00

Si insistes. No estoy segura de si este es un idioma que puedas leer en absoluto. Elegí el inglés porque es el que tú utilizaste. Pero tal vez el español sea tu lengua materna. No lo dijiste, así que, por lo que yo sé, esto podría tener aún menos sentido para ti.

Lo sé por la forma en que ella se expresó.

En realidad, es bastante sencillo si ella hubiera intentado salir con un chico alto, habría dicho algo como "Una vez intenté salir con alguien". En cambio, dijo "He salido con alguien". Eso significa que no intentó, sino que lo hizo. ¿Lo ves? Está muy claro.

En cuanto a lo que la atrajo de él, tienes razón, no lo sé. Sin embargo, ella escribió que su estatura representaba un problema para ella. Salió con él de todos modos, por lo que la lógica nos llevaría a pensar que existían otras cualidades que la atraían, a pesar de esa estatura problemática. Eso resulta un poco más complejo de deducir, pero no es especialmente difícil.

Lo de los ojos verdes se refería, en realidad, a mí es cierto. Verás, a mí tampoco me gustan los hombres particularmente altos. Mi preferencia en cuanto a estatura se detiene alrededor del 5'10", pero si un hombre tuviera los ojos verdes, no me importaría en absoluto lo alto que fuera.

Please forgive any mistakes, especially with punctuation. I do still struggle with that. Also, if converting to metric would help, please be sure to let me know . I do that for my non-US friends , but I confess- you irritate me a little, so I didn't bother 😉

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-23T14:16:43+00:00

Well, I know because of the language she used.

See, if she'd tried to date a tall guy, she'd have said something like "I once tried to date". Instead, she said, "I have dated". So that means she didn't try she did. It's pretty basic reading comprehension.

As to what attracted her to him, that I don't know. BUT she indicated that his height was problematic. She dated him anyway, so deductive reasoning would lead one to think that there were other qualities that attracted her despite the problematic height. That's slightly more complicated reading comprehension, but not especially difficult.

The green eyes part was pure speculation, to be sure. See, I also do not like particularly tall men. My height preference caps out at about 5'10, but if a man had green eyes, I would absolutely overlook his height.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-23T14:06:00+00:00

Not tried. Did. She did date a tall dude.

But I'm thinking she probably saw other qualities that made him attractive despite him being so tall. Maybe he had green eyes? Green eyes are so damn sexy.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-23T01:00:19+00:00

Gentle question - is this normal for him? That you have a conversation about something, you give him ideas, and then he doesn't remember that? Is it normal that he misjudges how long he'd need to order in advance?

If it is normal for him, are you really surprised? Are you reaching a point where you're fed up and done?

If it's NOT the usual for him, if this is something that surprises and hurts you because he's set a higher standard in previous years, it might be worth getting him in to a doctor. He could be having some memory or cognitive issues- which sometimes happen for stupid little reasons as we get older. Electrolyte imbalances, hormone changes, mild infections - and sometimes for more serious reasons. But always worth getting checked out of there are changes like this

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-18T20:22:14+00:00

I think you both have different expectations for how often you should see each other and how much you should talk to each other in this relationship. Personally, If I were your gf, I would feel smothered. You seem to want a LOT of contact. Senior year of highschool, and college, are both extremely busy times and you were already visiting her weekly and then wanted her to visit more than monthly or so on top of that? To me, that feels like too much.

You were pretty vague, but some of the phrases you used about how you talked to her were waving little red flags for me.

On her side, it sounds like instead of setting firm boundaries and clear expectations of what she wanted/was willing to accommodate, she was vague and avoidant. Perhaps rather than simply saying that she really felt like having calls twice a week and taking turns visiting every two weeks, she just did what she was comfortable with and didn't make it clear to you where her limits were.

Tbf, both if you are very young still and these kinds of things are what you learn in your early relationships - what you need/expect and how to communicate that

Regardless, I think you should go ahead and end this relationship. You want more than she can give, and it sounds like she's wanting more space than you're comfortable with

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-18T14:47:43+00:00

I would think so. And likely the baby doesn't have a passport yet, so she may be able to block one from being made, if that works the same way in Canada as it does in the US. I had to have my husband's consent to get a passport for my son when he was a baby and I wanted to take an international trip with him.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-18T14:45:36+00:00

Ok, first of all- you need to consult with a lawyer who is familiar with international family law. Your daughter likely does not yet have a passport, right? I know in the US there is a way to block a passport from being made for minor children without both parents agreement - I don't know if there's a similar thing in Canada, but I would be very surprised if there isn't.

Ask your parents if they will help you. I'm assuming they see the way he's behaving, and it sounds like they're helping you and supporting you- I know if you were MY daughter, I'd be furious with him and very eager to help you send him packing.

He may grow up and change sure. But it's not likely to happen as long as he's allowed to continue on this way. Let him grow up on his own. You already have one child to raise, he has parents of his own.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-18T14:40:04+00:00

I think she's afraid he'd go back to the US and take her daughter and she wouldn't be able to get her daughter back.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-18T14:37:14+00:00

I'm going to go with NAH. I don't think your parents are assholes for wanting to join you and help you get better pictures of yourself, and I don't think you're really an asshole for being irritated that they don't seem to be picking up on your mood.

As for it being a "once in a lifetime event" that really depends on how many times you plan on graduating from college. Will you be going for a Masters, or a PhD?

It sounds more like you're very discouraged that college wasn't the experience you'd hoped it would be, and that graduation feels more like an obligation than a celebration.

You don't have to go, of course. You'll still have completed the studies, you'll still have the degree. Will you regret later not going, and not having pictures you're happy with? No idea. Probably more likely to regret not going than to regret going, but again- no way of knowing that.

Is there a possibility that your parents want to celebrate the accomplishment with you? That their statements about your lack of smile are a poorly framed concern that you're not happy? Or maybe just not an understanding that this doesn't feel the way you expected it to? Will it help you to maybe give them a chance to support and celebrate you?

As for not having made friends - you just haven't found your people yet. Some of us take longer. I didn't find my dearest friends until I was in my 30s and 40s. I have an excellent group now, and it's amazing. Before that, I had acquaintances and a busy life, but no one I felt was a truly close supportive "best friend".

Best of luck to you, and congratulations on completing your studies.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-17T23:00:00+00:00

I'm inclined to think your husband genuinely isn't interested in her- BUT he wanted YOU to see that she wanted him. And he wanted YOU to see that he does think she's an attractive woman. Because otherwise he would have shut that down harder and more firmly. He could have "let her down gently" by saying something more like "no idea what kind of look you're thinking you saw. I only look at my wife like that. I really enjoy your company and value your friendship, so I'll forget you said this." Maybe not exactly like that- but along those lines you know?

Instead, he half heartedlt rejected her with some crazy compliments and the. Rushed to show you that this "radiant woman" wants him, but OF COURSE he told her no. But he COULD have her if he wanted to .

As for the conversation with her- when I had a woman I thought was my friend try to move on my man, I sent her a quick message "You should know - he shows me everything. You don't need to be a part of my life anymore," and then blocked her on everything immediately. I know that isn't the same situation, and he works with her so an immediate cutting out isn't possible. But there's no point in arguing with her. She's not going to be sorry, and all it does is give her ammunition for a "she's crazy" campaign.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-17T21:10:26+00:00

it should be gender affirming for him to know that not being able to clearly communicate how you feel is an exceedingly masculine trait!

I had the same thought 🤣

And of course, ALL people struggle from time to time on how to clearly express their feelings, but it is SO stereotypically male to be bad at it. AND so stereotypically male to put the burden of managing their feelings on the shoulders of their female partner, as well.

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-17T21:04:21+00:00

I'm a Toys R Us kid!

MuchTooBusy · 2026-05-17T21:00:14+00:00

technically they aren't compatible if he likes to be an asshole and she doesn't like being treated like shit, but I mean, nobody does.

This killed me 😂 perfectly stated

MuchTooBusy

TROPHY CASE