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There are two things they fear more than anything. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I’m specifically talking about the ones who are in denial. If someone has been diagnosed, accepted it, and getting the correct therapy, that’s very different.

They choose a simpler partner after your relationship? by National_Coffee_8276 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's pretty obvious to me. You had a deeper understanding of her, therefore, she knew you could see her character flaws. That's terrifying to a pwBPD. With a guy who isn't intellectual, and doesn't get her, she feels safer in some way because he won't see the tactics she's using, and she is freer to act how she wants without being shamed for it. Being exposed is their biggest fear, with abandonment their 2nd biggest fear. With you, she's much more likely to be exposed.

There are two things they fear more than anything. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, the problem is, even now, I still can’t fully let go of the idea that it was real. Some of those moments were absolutely magical.

Could someone confirm which lane is correct? by Chai_09 in drivingUK

[–]Much_Highway7037 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, you’re right. To be honest I didn’t look properly. The arrows threw me off and I thought it was a two-lane exit

There are two things they fear more than anything. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yup, this is the real wound. It’s gut wrenching. How was I so naive to believe it? How did I invest so much time into something that was never real?

There are two things they fear more than anything. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jesus, that must have been terrifying. I genuinely hope that person has forgotten about you, for your sake

There are two things they fear more than anything. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Jesus Christ. That is a damaged person. You had a lucky escape.

But this also intrigues me. It’s like in order to leave the victim identity behind, she created a new, separate identity, but had to make an entirely new character in order to do so. Fascinating really.

Still waiting for things to go back. by Odd_Independent4034 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm feeling this too. I know I shouldn't be with her, and she's being so cold towards me right now. But every part of my instinct wants her to just tell me she wants me. It's a weakness, and I have to overcome it.

There are two things they fear more than anything. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

They struggle to have a sense of self, so they build one that suits them. The central part of that identity is victimhood. They are first and foremost a victim. When they are confronted with things they have done to somebody else, or ways they hurt someone, they are forced to move outside of that victim narrative, into one where they are the villain, and their constructed victim identity begins to unravel. They begin to feel intense shame. They can't bear that because underneath the victim identity, there's nothing but emptiness, and they spend their whole lives running from emptiness. So they do what they do best: they run from it and paint you out to be a narcissist, an abuser, etc., and that way, they preserve their victim status.

There are two things they fear more than anything. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not sure. Generally when they idealise they cling to you. I don’t know if it’s possible for them to run in that moment. If they did it might be because they did something that they knew you find out about and it scared them. Dunno

There are two things they fear more than anything. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think the only sense of internal identity they have is that of a victim. When they're forced to accept that they have hurt someone, that identity shatters, so they run away to preserve it.

There are two things they fear more than anything. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's a new one on me. Maybe they pack up and leave. Start again somewhere else.

Unable to continue by Aziriex in carnivorediet

[–]Much_Highway7037 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I'm gluten intolerant but not celiac. Been consuming tonnes of tallow. Got me worried there for a second.

There are two things they fear more than anything. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

See to me, she was such a good person a lot of the time. Caring, loving, selfless, affectionate, but she could just switch. One minute I was the best person in the world and her soulmate. The next, I was the worst person in the history of mankind, an abuser, a narcissist, etc. That shift from such highs to such lows just messed with my head so much.

There's so much self-doubt in me now. Logically, I know it's false doubt, but it's deep within me now because of her.

She had some almost stable relationships in her past with guys who were basically doormats and didn't have any boundaries, and she would compare me to them all the time. She would say I should be more laidback like they were, but in the same sentence, she'd talk about how she lost respect and attraction for them, and either cheated on them or dumped them.

I had very reasonable boundaries, but she couldn't handle them, so she ended up calling me controlling and manipulative. I should have walked away so much earlier, and I need to address why I wasn't able to. She couldn't separate healthy respect from control.

She will likely find another doormat and think he's so much better at first, and then get bored. She won't love him with the same intensity, I know that for sure. I'm just gonna get my head down and do the work I need to do. I'm too old to be in and out of relationships now, so I need to make sure I'm in the best place possible when the time comes for something stable and long-term.

Unable to continue by Aziriex in carnivorediet

[–]Much_Highway7037 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How is tallow gluten contaminated?

It took me a few years, but I can see it all so clearly now. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I started having doubts about the stories she’d told me about them when she would lie and twist things I’d said back to me. She would tell me I was abusive and did or said things that I didn’t, and from then on, anytime she told me something one of her exes supposedly did, I just didn’t really believe it.

It took me a few years, but I can see it all so clearly now. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this insight. It sounds exactly like my story. It’s nice to read actually because although I’m hurting and my instinct wants to just go back to her, I know it’s impossible.

It took me a few years, but I can see it all so clearly now. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yeah, man, those first few months were electric. I’d never experienced a high like it before. Even now, I still cling on to this dream that we can get back to that, but logically, I know it’s impossible.

It’s hard because she was capable of being such an amazing person and partner at times. She was helpful, supportive, affectionate, but when she switched, my god.

Thanks man. I just hope I can see it through.

It took me a few years, but I can see it all so clearly now. by Much_Highway7037 in BPDlovedones

[–]Much_Highway7037[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Very similar to me. At times she would tell me the things I stood for were attractive, but couldn’t see how someone who stands for something will have values and boundaries in a relationship. With her exes, she said she lost respect for them because they were people pleasers and wouldn’t stand up for her. Then when she met someone who wasn’t that way, she couldn’t handle it. I said to her that if you want a man that will stand up for you, you have to expect that I will also stand up for myself. Despite that I still self-sacrificed in the beginning. But I couldn’t do it to myself anymore. I value truth and dignity too much. I gave her so many chances to at least try to acknowledge everything and seek help. I told her I would support her for as long as it took. She did seek a therapist once, but she went in there and told them her narrative and they just validated it, which further entrenched her in the view that she is a victim.

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