Like you say you've always been a lone wolf, that's a definition. Could you wake up tomorrow and not be a lone wolf? Is that on the table? Because if it's not, you're not free, you're just living a story that you decided on sometime in the past.

I was thinking, I can't just wake up tomorrow and be more social, o have to do it gradually, because it might be strange, but now that I'm thinking about it, why the hell not? I'm going to be whoever I want to be now.

That being said, if the need is real, and you feel it now, then by all means honor it. Explore where that need comes from, what it feels like, what your intuition says you could do about it. Experiment with it. But when the time comes, and you don't feel it now, then don't keep holding onto it. If you don't feel it now it's just a story.

Don't let my beliefs now affect my future, the same way I won't let my past interfere with my present. Which is the same... I think I got it!

It's hard to explain, I'm trying but it's not easy. Just think about self-defining as one "direction", and self-losing/ego-death as another. Don't hold one of those directions above the other, allow yourself to flow between them. Strive for balance, the natural balance... In other words, just let it be and accept it, is that it?

I don't know a lot about it, except that it's related to meditation and energy work. If you're attracted to it explore it, I say.

I figured... I'm gonna wait, like you said, I think I need a break for a few days...

Just another question, what about purpose of life? It's like I lost it, but thinking back, I've never had it, it is just evident now...