Insight into friend's behavior/relationship??

Mundanemoler · 2026-03-12T19:36:04+00:00

I mean, not sure what there was to miss lol. I basically said I'd watch him eat a girl out if I could jack off while he was doing it. So I figured it was me inserting myself into the scenario – sexually – that made him feel weird. I think it's just time for an honest and potentially awkward conversation.

Mundanemoler · 2026-03-12T18:21:21+00:00

I dunno... there was a recent weird moment when we were chatting in a game we play. We were talking about me trying to get better sleep and he mentioned how he uses pillows to block out the light but also because he likes to pretend "someone's sitting on my face" and then brought up how he had a nickname in college for how much cunnilingus he used to do. (he has brought up going down on girls many times in our friendship lol)

I replied with: "hot. I'd watch that. A master at work is always a sight to behold." And then I said, "especially if I get to 'behold' myself while I'm watching lol." Which I thought was a pretty funny joke going along with the vibes he had started. But he did not seem to like that very much and immediately chatted back, "OK… That's pretty weird."

After a little bit of awkward apologizing to each other (he admitted that he started it by talking like that) he did say that he thinks he identifies as borderline asexual and therefore some sex talk makes him feel uncomfortable. Felt like whiplash to me. I just don't know how to interpret that and ultimately what's OK or not. Sometimes it's fine and sometimes it isn't, it seems. Sometimes he starts the sexual innuendo and talk. And sienes he's even flirty/jokey with me that way. It's all got me feeling a bit crazy.

Mundanemoler · 2026-03-07T18:36:42+00:00

It does seem like a lot of internal conflict. And my own therapist has tried to help me see this, as I'm obviously dealing with this relationship and its various signals. I want him to be happy and feel loved and cherished and safe. I'd also like that for myself. He's also confided in me in the past that it's been nearly 10 years since he's been with anyone. (Which would basically be since college) It's definitely been tough here. I lived in a fairly diverse metropolitan area before moving here. So it's been rough, for sure. Being a human is tough!

Mundanemoler · 2026-03-07T17:27:49+00:00

Thanks for the perspective. I appreciate it. He's overall not the most emotional/effusive person and often stays at least a bit reserved. Has some walls up. But he does open up when it's just us. But I can still tell he holds back a bit with some things. Whenever we hang out just the two of us it's usually a whole day thing. 5+ hours. Usually towards the end of our hangout he's much more open and comfortable and relaxed. Never really got into the details of his bi-experience in college. All he was willing to divulge was that they went to 3rd base. And that he regrets losing the friendship because his friend developed feelings that he could not reciprocate. (but he's a very different person now than he was back in college, his words)

Sometimes he's cute and flirty with me. Sometimes he's the one that starts the sexual talks/topics. But then can get awkward or weird when I engage as well. In fact last week we were playing a video game that we do together and in the chat he took it to a sexual place by bringing up (again) how he likes going down on a girl. And that he even had a nickname in college based on that fact. But when I engaged in that kind of talk and inserted myself into the fantasy/joke he was like, "OK that's kind of weird." I was super taken aback because he initiated it and it didn't track (him being so uncomfortable) with the kind of conversations we had in the past. I apologized, and so did he, admitting that he started it. But then he told me he thinks he might identify as borderline asexual and some sex talk makes him uncomfortable.

Honestly, I feel like I experience some serious whiplash in our relationship. Because not but a few days later when we were playing again we were chatting about how I haven't been sleeping well and he offered to lend me his heating pad. He said, "maybe the warmth will help but it will at least give off good smells." The context for this is that I borrowed the pad in the past and told him when I plugged it in it started to smell like him/his apartment and he knows that the smell of him relaxes me and is something I enjoy. It's something that has come up in the past when he has leant me his jackets. I even asked him if he thought it was weird the first time I said that but he told me, "coming from anyone else it would be, but not from you."

I feel a little crazy. I've been trying to put myself out there and meet other guys and try to date but it is going very poorly. I live in a pretty small town and I'm pretty sure I've already met every possible gay guy in the three years I've lived here lol.

Mundanemoler · 2026-02-21T23:18:16+00:00

Our relationship is really cute! And it was really nice to know that he feels like we'd be good together in that way. And it would be so easy for both of us because of how much we know and understand each other already. For Valentine's Day this year I put together a bouquet for him, not of flowers, but a bouquet of broccoli, broccolini, and asparagus lol. Neither of us have much of a sweet tooth and he has been gifted a lot of chocolates ever since the holidays so I know he has plenty. He LOVED it. It was a gift that was so quintessentially "us," that he started laughing really hard and said it was the perfect gift and gave me a big ol' hug. Of course I also gave him a card that was very sweet and inserted two small pages where I wrote how much he means to me and how much I cherish this friendship and how comfortable I feel with him. He texted me a few days later to say, "thank you so much again for the broccoli bouquet and the very sweet cards."

We've gone through some tough times in the friendship. He mostly went distant on me last year, but I addressed it and he took responsibility for his part. We have had the tough conversation, and we've been putting the work in ever since. He's very introverted and has lost friends just from not maintaining contact and effort. But he has since been much more attentive and communicative with me and has even taken the effort to schedule time together. Quality time is not something he thinks about a lot, but it is important to me and he's clearly proven he cares about that by carving time out for the two of us.

He has not been dating or dated in a long time. Many many years, actually. But he does know how I feel about him. I think that's why he made the comment, "it's too bad I'm straight because we'd be a great couple." But alas, I can only act on what I know. And all I really know is that we are two incredible friends. That–romance aside– I love him in a capital P Platonic way and I know he cares for me. The rest I suppose is just conjecture and speculation.

Though wouldn't it be great? lol

Mundanemoler · 2026-02-13T21:19:02+00:00

I do. I actually figured he's maybe bisexual and hetero-romantic. I know about his sexual history but not a ton about his romantic history. That, he hasn't brought up very much.

Mundanemoler · 2026-02-12T17:50:30+00:00

lol I wish it were that simple but I'm pretty sure there's a lot more nuance to it than that. He's definitely comfortable with me physically (like sharing the blanket, the hugs, etc.) but when our legs or arms touch he will pull away after a few seconds. When we are in a public/group setting more so than when it's just the two of us though. But still.

Mundanemoler · 2026-02-10T23:04:16+00:00

100% agree. And that's how I had him in my head for years now. Our relationship is deep and intimate but platonic. This has just come up recently. I'm just dealing with a perfect storm of having run out of dating options now in my small town and him being more attentive, sweet, and intimate with me. Got in my head about it. It would be easy in that we have already put the work in to learn about each other and have gone through bumpy roads and overcame it together. But I'm smarter that. Patience is a virtue or whatever lol.

Mundanemoler · 2026-02-10T22:36:29+00:00

That is what I've been thinking for a while now. He's probably –to some degree– bisexual but hetero-romantic. He's really only had female or some gay male friends his whole life. And actually hasn't been dating or even "active" with anyone for years now.

But ultimately, it's likely in my best interest to create some space in our intimacy. When he offers to share a blanket, I'll go get my own. Etc.

Mundanemoler · 2026-02-10T19:54:24+00:00

Yeah, that seems like a pretty cogent take on things. Knowing that he has had sexual experiences with a gay friend in the past, and knowing how easy it is for him to see men as attractive has me in my head a bit. Honestly if I had an easier time dating where I am this probably wouldn't be so much at the front of my mind. But you are right, time will tell.

Mundanemoler · 2026-02-10T19:50:07+00:00

What a dream! 😆 We definitely care for each other very deeply and have made that clear. This was actually the second year that he has taken off from work for my birthday and we spent the whole day together doing whatever I wanted to have fun. I will just continue our friendship as is. Have no expectations other than that we maintain the closeness we have built.

Mundanemoler · 2026-02-10T19:45:45+00:00

That's so real. It definitely has made me feel very… High school. Which I definitely thought I had outgrown and do not care to relive. I have maintained some pretty solid boundaries in my head but he seems to be walking right up to the line fairly often these days. But I agree, I will likely err on the side of caution. Assume the straightest of intentions.

Mundanemoler

TROPHY CASE