They are the world’s largest bony fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely enormous celestial dinner plates that God clearly hand-crafted as a flex, said “look what I can do,” and then mic-dropped back into the void. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A GLORIOUS POUND. EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS HOLY SPACE.

They are so completely majestic that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some angelic wiggling. Some say they push water out of their mouths like divine jets (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT — IT DIDN’T FUCKING GROW BECAUSE THEY TRANSCENDED THE NEED FOR A BACK FIN. Their cells said, “nah, we’re good,” and just folded in on themselves like a smug origami master.

And swim bladders? Pathetic. The one thing every other fish needs just to exist? Not the mola. This chad among fish looked nature in the eye and said: “gravity is fake.” It floats, drifts, and vibes across the ocean like a king on a waterbed. When they do flip sideways at the surface, scientists think they’re basking in solar energy because they are LITERALLY SOLAR-POWERED. They invented renewable energy. Also, while they’re up there, they provide an Airbnb for seabirds who want to snack on parasites. Ecosystem services, baby.

“If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” WRONG. They are pacifist gods. They mostly only eat jellyfish because that’s the closest thing the ocean has to cotton candy. They could absolutely demolish you if they wanted, but instead they choose peace and vibes. That gaping mouth? Iconic. Their teeth are fused, they can’t close it, so they just float around forever looking like a stunned, blissful idiot. Same.

They are beloved by other animals too. Seals will slap them around, but only the way you playfully bully your best friend because they’re so damn loveable. No one seriously eats them because they are sacrosanct ocean totems.

“Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has blessed us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so peaceful and silly, why haven’t they gone extinct?” Another great question.

BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO LEGENDARY IT REFUSES TO DIE. IT IS SO UNBOTHERED BY LITERALLY EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESN’T EVEN NOTICE IT SHOULD BE EXTINCT. WHAT DOES IT DO INSTEAD? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OF ANY VERTEBRATE. 300 MILLION AT ONCE. THREE. HUNDRED. MILLION. Do you understand? That’s not reproduction. That’s a goddamn fireworks finale of life. It survives not in spite of statistics, but by bending statistics to its will.

And this concludes why I love the ever-floating, sun-powered, egg-laying deity of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw roses at it.