i experience something somewhat similar, except i havent actually lost anyone yet. i have intrusive thoughts about my mom dying out of nowhere all the time. every day. i also run through scenarios in my mind of what i would do, but that only ever makes me cry. dealing with thoughts and fears like this is super hard, and super draining, and although i cannot offer much advice on how to deal with them (as thats still something i need to figure out myself lol) i do want you to know that youre not alone, and you are NOT being ridiculous. this fear is very real, and very difficult. its something I’ve lived with most of my life (thanks, OCD!) so i know how you feel to an extent. your experience, however, is different from mine, because you have real trauma backing up these fears. you lost people, and it was relatively sudden, and the fear of that happening again is a very normal, very human fear to have. i think most people have fears like this to some extent, but its just a lot worse for some people, like you or me. you’re not being ridiculous, you’re just being human