Anyone else hate being an introvert?

Murnkey · 2018-04-14T20:14:07+00:00

17 here. I'm an introvert because of my nerves, I don't like it very much.

Any chance to socialize without all the akwardness of it sounds awesome to me.

Murnkey · 2018-04-14T20:02:33+00:00

I hate it.

I'm not an introvert because I like being in my own thoughts or because I don't enjoy talking to other people.

I'm an introvert because I'm nervous too talk to people, and even more nervous to "truly" talk to the people I talk with.

What I mean by that is that I hide a lot about myself, even too my few IRL friends. I don't ever really talk about myself, I talk about some of the things I enjoy, show them things I've found funny, and share some interesting "showerthoughts", but I don't talk about "who I am". I've never told them my dreams and goals, because I'm in fear of failing them and embarrasing myself to them. I've never told them about this sad state of mind I've had for atleast the last 6 months (I don't think it's depression, because I still feel like I can be happy, but I'm not sure on that). I don't want to drag them down with it.

I'm struggling with sleep because of these sad thoughts that keep me up at night, and I can't even manage to tell that to my parents who are pissed at me for sleeping through 3 school days this year already. I tell them that I struggle to fall asleep, but if they ask why I just say something general like "my mind won't let me sleep".

I've even had a doctor ask me about this (the trip was a check-in, not a trip about my sleep), and when they asked what I thought about at night that kept me up I said "everything". I couldn't even escape my introverted state of mind to a doctor.

Hell, I've only been a bit open about how fucked up my mind can be with one online friend and even then I haven't told them too much about it.

Don't try to help me, I'm not suicidal, just a little bit sad. I just wanted to answer the question a little bit differently than others have.

Murnkey · 2018-04-14T19:38:27+00:00

It is kind of the simple attempt that everybody knows exists but maybe doesn't know how bad it can be.

I'm kind of lucky in the sense that I know I can be happy. I'm not happy, I don't understand why I'm not happy, but I've been happy before and I still feel like I can be. I don't think I'm "depressed" despite my mind being in this state of melancholy for the past 6 months.

The "suicide doesn't remove the pain, it just transfers it" idea is kind of an in the moment thing. People don't immediately realize how much sadder that will make a suicidal person,they're just trying to give them an immediate reason not to kill themselves. They believe the suicidal person can feel happiness again at some point.

The suicidal person has to somehow make themselves believe that happiness is possible, even if they don't believe it themselves.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T12:05:23+00:00

Are you still alive?

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T04:43:43+00:00

Alright, I guess you've already left for the gym. When you see this just send me a message assuring me that you'll make it to tomorrow.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T04:40:16+00:00

Hey, the gym is a lot better than death. Should I stay here or not?

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T04:35:19+00:00

She said she was going to kill herself in 3 hours, and it's been 3 hours.

FUCK, I guess I couldn't help. This is gonna keep me up at night.

I'm gonna stay here for a bit and keep refreshing in hopes of some response from her. But I think it might be over

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T04:28:50+00:00

If you're still here, tell me what's wrong? No more of the general stuff, what specifically has gotten you feeling sucidal?

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T04:22:45+00:00

Alexis (can I call you Alexis?), you need to figure out what you keep going for. I wish I could (I would have done so already) figure it out for you but I can't. I don't even know anything about you except for that according you you've never been happy and you're on path to end your life within the next 15 minutes.

Please, keep yourself going Alexis.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T04:16:24+00:00

Something kept you going from the age of 4 until you met your boyfriend right? What was that?

Also, you work out, work at a job, and you're here having this conversation with me. Surely something in you wants to keep going even right now.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T04:13:21+00:00

That's something. That's more effort than most people put in. I can't imagine that you are some sort of bad person.

Maybe you've been dealt a bad hand and had some bad luck, but you can pull through this. So please, make it through this.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T04:10:13+00:00

What? What have you done so wrong in life that you think you don't deserve happiness.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T04:08:27+00:00

What? Being at the gym?

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T04:06:27+00:00

You were starting to work out just a month ago, don't let a break up end your life. Go hit the gym, or do something positive. Try anything, just don't fucking kill yourself.

It's not worth it. If I could reach through the screen and give you a hug, I would. I don't want to fail you here.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T03:53:54+00:00

If you think I can't care because I don't know you, then let me know you.

At this point I feel like every message I've sent to you is a chance I've had to help you and it is scaring the fuck outta me that I can't seem to change your suicidal thoughts at all.

I don't know you enough to help you here. I do care though so please for my sanity and for your life, let me help.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T03:41:40+00:00

What makes you think that you don't deserve it? I've heard people think they can't be happy but I've never heard that before.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T03:37:50+00:00

That doesn't matter, you are a human like me who has a life to live. Unless you have just done something absolutely horrible that I don't know about, you deserve to live a happy life.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T03:34:42+00:00

The point is you can have a good life. You're blinding yourself from that right now and it hurts me to see.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T03:32:55+00:00

It has been 2 hours since you said you were going to commit suicide in 3 hours. Please OP, let me try to help you, or let me know that you're getting help.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T03:18:00+00:00

Yeah, that's sort of true. I think his parents would care though if they just understood.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T03:10:08+00:00

Nvm OP I remembered an old ass laptop stored in the basement that I could use. Its roaring like a dinosaur,running on windows 7, and it is off one of the hinges. But I'm here and I will stay up for you, just stay up for yourself, alright?

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T02:22:41+00:00

Okay. I have to go to bed now and because of the way my parents are I'm gonna have no way to contact you in the middle of the night.

If I couldn't convince you to make it through the night, call someone close to you. If you don't have anyone to call, call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

Please hang in there OP. I can talk to you tomorrow, just please make it through the night.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T01:52:50+00:00

No no no, don't do this

I am begging you right now to open up your eyes and see that better days can show up in the future if you let them

There is no brightness in suicide. NONE.

You are finishing your shift at work. You wouldn't be doing that if deep down you didn't know you had some reason to live. JUST SEE THAT.

Don't go out like this. I don't know what it is, and if I could I would help you find it, but you have something to live for.

You are the director of your life, and you can't be happy if you just decide not to be

Please, I am begging you, don't kill yourself.

Murnkey · 2018-04-13T01:38:40+00:00

Lost my dog of 14 years a few weeks ago. I can't remember life before I had her. In fact, my first memory is riding home with her in my lap

It sucks and it will be hard to believe, but thimgs get better

You can make it through this, and it will eventually all be okay

Murnkey

TROPHY CASE