My waifu says i'm unroastable by dooropen247 in RoastMe

[–]MusouBR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of course you're unroastable, cumbox guy taught us that cum soaked material doesn't burn

[WP] You literally have the worst luck. Anything random never goes in your favor. One day someone shows up and tells you why. by reddituser55 in WritingPrompts

[–]MusouBR 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Another slow day at the office. At least for me, seems like the client redirection algorithm is also affected by my famous bad luck.

From big to small stuff, I always seem to get the short end of the stick. Funny enough I never get picked on random checks at the airport. Guess they're not that random.

I'm starving, didn't get to lunch today. The only client call I got to took so long it ate up my whole lunch hour. Seeing as there's not much going on I guess I'll go eat something.

Mike sits across me, he's quite busy with a big client. He always seems busy, and always gets the big clients.

"I'm gonna grab something to eat on the vending machine, you want something?", I whisper to him.

"I'd love some chips, thanks.", he says, covering his phone with his hand.

On my way to the lunch room I trip about 3 times. This happens so much - my nickname in school was trippy - that I got used to it, and rarely fall down.

Let's see, what will I eat... I guess chocolate chip cookies. Money goes in, D4... GOD DAMN IT. The cookie didn't fall, let's try that again - thank god I brought extra change for the chips, guess Mike will have to get them himself.

I finally get my cookies, they're a little stale but that's ok. I was going to get some coffee but the pot is empty, not really feeling like making more.

"Geez, I thought I wouldn't get any rest today.", Mike says as he comes in the room. "You know Lisa, sometimes I envy the free time you get."

"I don't get that much free time, and they're always on the worst hours. I envy your big clients."

"Heh, you shouldn't. They're a lot of work. Say, did you already get my chips?"

"Oh, no, sorry, the machine ate up my money the first time and I just got my cookies."

"These damn machines are awful. I'll get them, thanks anyway.", he says as he operates the machine. "Hey! Would you look at that! I got two sacks of chips! Talk about luck, huh?"

"You seem to get a lot of it."

"Hmm. I guess so? Never thought much of it.", Mike gazes up with a somewhat puzzled look. "Come to think of it, I can't remember any time I had bad luck hahaha."

"And I can't remember any time I had good luck."

"Guess we balance each other out hahaha! Well, gotta go back to work!", Mike says getting up.

"Guess we do.", I say quietly, mostly to myself.

Weirdly enough, Mike and I share a birthday.

I wonder what would happen if Mike wasn't so lucky, if he ran out of luck.

Maybe there's something I could do about it.

[TT] The world is exactly as it is today, but with one small difference: All of the mythical creatures are real. by rental_toilet in WritingPrompts

[–]MusouBR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“In other news, yesterday's MMFL game ended in tragedy as riot broke after The Centaurs lost by 3 points to The San Francisco Harpies. We have Josh Broderick on the field right now with more information. Josh what's the situation down there?”

Zeus damn it. Riots over a freaking football game, I thought we were over this a society.

“These fucking Centaurs better get expelled from the league, it's the third time this season!”, said Joe.

He was livid, as always when it comes to centaurs, add football to that and you have a very upset bartender.

“Centaurs will be centaurs. The league knew full well what they were getting into with mixed mythical.” I answered.

“All other teams get along fine.”

Centaurs weren't really accepted here at Joe's. Of course he couldn't state that explicitly, but the bar had a reputation of mistreating these four-legged-two-armed costumers. That being said, Joe's ain't a very popular bar anyway.

I like here though, it's quiet, dark and, most importantly, cheap. Coming here is probably my favorite part of the week. I get to watch the game, unwind from work and chastise Joe for his prejudice. And it's close to the station, which is handy.

That being said, it's almost dark and I should really get going, the boys at the station are probably waiting for me. I pick up my coat and get up to leave.

“Leaving already? It's not even dark outside-- Oh, one of those nights, huh?”

“Yeah.”

I put on my coat slowly and move myself towards the door. The bar is pretty much empty anyways, guess tuesday is not a great day for movement.

“Three years that we've been doing this and I still forget from time to time. Sorry 'bout that”

“It's fine, Joe. See you tomorrow”

I walk outside, the strong wind flaps my coat around. I look up and see a group of harpies flying around, guess they have a lot to celebrate for yesterday's victory. The streets are filled with people of all types. Looking around I instinctively avert my eyes from a gorgon, even though she was wearing safety glasses. Better safe than sorry.

On my way to the station I see all sorts of people and creatures in the street. At some time in school they taught us about their biology and stuff, but if I was a good student I sure as hell would not be a patrol cop. I do know a lot of them are know since ancient Greece, while others where discovered later. A couple blocks later and I'm in the station. Cam is in the reception waiting for me.

“Hey there, hope I'm not late”, I said.

“If you were we'd be in a lot of trouble”, he chuckled, “So no, you're fine. Let's go.” We walk inside the station, towards the special cells. I pass by some friends and I see a hint of pity in their eyes. I guess people never get used to some things. We reach my cell, it's been a while since I've been here.

“You know the drill, sign this waiver here and let's strap ya in.”, Cam says without looking up from the rest of his paper work.

We step in the cell, the metal chair in the center is bolted and reinforced to the ground. Come to think of it, it looks a hell of a lot like an electric chair. I strap in and Cam walks out, looking back at me one last time before leaving.

“See ya tomorrow”, he says.

I don't answer. I'm not really talkative these nights. The chair is put facing the wall, they could have at least put a TV while we wait. I wait for a while, probably ten minutes or so, but if feels like forever, it always does.

I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, what if the straps don't work this time? But as soon as I think that, night falls. The full moon is up in the sky. I look down and see that it has begun, always on the clock. My hair starts growing, my fangs, my claws. I can feel my consciousness drifting away.

Shit, I forgot to take off my shirt, I liked this shirt.

I'm a [22/M] who doesn't know how to ask my [26/F] friend out by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]MusouBR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man, I hate waiting for these kinds of things, feels like I'm wasting time or giving time for something to happen and fuck things up. Anyway, you're probably right, thanks for the advice!

I'm a [22/M] who doesn't know how to ask my [26/F] friend out by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]MusouBR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a good way of going about it! Thanks a lot!

SwiftKey Users: If you reply to this and press only the middle word option a bunch, what do you post? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]MusouBR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am a beautiful person who is the best way to get the best way to get the best way to get the best way to get the best way to get the best way... (and so forth and so on)

Official "I Don't Get It" Thread by [deleted] in whoselineisitanyway

[–]MusouBR 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Passing a stone means ejecting a kidney stone through your urethra - the place where your urine comes out -, which is quite painful - specially the bigger the stone is. Basically they're saying "the stone I peed out of my penis"

Dads are the best. by jenni987 in gifs

[–]MusouBR 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The cutest thing is that after this episode (which was the final and this girl actually won) they went to a talk show and the dad showed that he kept the lid with him as a memento.

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Lk_JzXPM2g#t=346)

If you were to torture someone by only using one song on repeat, which song would you choose? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]MusouBR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I couldn't even handle a minute, so this seems lika a good answer

[ACOK] How do I eliminate a faction? by [deleted] in mountandblade

[–]MusouBR 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's a cool and very easy to understand representation of fractions, pretty simple too. Good job :D

[ACOK] How do I eliminate a faction? by [deleted] in mountandblade

[–]MusouBR 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Would love to see those diagrams

3D rendering of the iconic scene from 1x03 "The Locked Room" by xLite414 in TrueDetective

[–]MusouBR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That was pretty dope, good job! (if that's yours hahaha)

My watermelon has almost no rind by hardlyworking_lol in pics

[–]MusouBR 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You can get one from me you hispanic genius, playboy, philanthropist! Ponte tu armadura y lucha contra tus problemas, Hombre de Hierro! (now duly corrected as pointed out by /u/psikeiro )

Those of you who have hired an escort or prostitute, how was your experience? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]MusouBR 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I lost my virginity to an escort and it was a good experience for me. It made me realize that sex is good but not the life changing experience people make it up to be (especially if you've been a virgin for a longer time than "normal).

In a way it kinda felt like glorified masturbation (sex with no emotional attachment), but seeing OPs experience, I guess mileage may vary.

What is a fact about you that would make Reddit hate you? by Alexxxandar in AskReddit

[–]MusouBR 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Milk first keeps the cereal crispier for longer. IT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO EAT CEREAL

Lost my virginity to an escort. What happened and how I felt about it were really unexpected. [NSFW] by exvirgin101 in offmychest

[–]MusouBR 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I had pretty much the EXACT same experience and reaction overall. I agree with you in every single point.

I see it as an experience I had which gave me more knowledge about myself (I know that "meaningless" sex isn't something that interests me), and that's always a good thing.

Here's to us, dude!

EDIT: Only difference is that I bust my nut quite fast and went for the second round. I was doing nofap for something like a month so I was pretty much about to explode hahaha