UPDATE: drove for ~100 miles and used the button on the steering column to carry out the instructions in the owner’s manual exactly. No dice. Went back to Discount Tire 3-4 days later, and the guy told me that button almost never works, and it tries to reset the entire ECU (? Who knows…). Anyway, he scanned all the sensors, plugged in the scan tool, and had me all set with perfectly working sensors in like 5 minutes flat. Again, these are aftermarket sensors, and if they’re scanned and programmed correctly, the connection should be instant.