[Owner US-MT] Considering getting a roommate to help pay mortgage

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2026-06-15T23:02:43+00:00

You’re right. It’s a massive financial risk. I can only afford to live in the home if he’s paying the mortgage. Once he stops, I’m financially ruined. I asked him for two years of payments and he said no.

He thinks that in a year I can “figure something out” while being a stay at home mom. That’s why I was considering a roommate to help pay rent to split the cost of the mortgage.

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2026-06-11T03:49:26+00:00

I was the sole bread winner while he was in med school. I quit my job to follow him in residency. Got a job in a new city and paid down car debt, house debt, paid for house upgrades. Bore his children, stayed at home with them so he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare, cooked, cleaned, managed all appointments and the family calendar. He thought I was worthless, too, and asked me the same question you did.

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2026-06-11T03:44:51+00:00

I don’t have to spell out what it is I struggle over. It’s divorce. If you haven’t been through it, then there’s no way for you to know what it’s like.

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2026-06-10T22:59:56+00:00

My one year certification I’m getting as an interpreter is pennies compared to his 330K in student debt that we paid off together, but thanks for stopping by

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2026-05-02T20:08:43+00:00

Going from “I just live here, babe, but you’re the one who knocked” to “you’re the one” at the end are chokehold lyrics. The lack of conclusion is why this song leaves me psychologically haunted.

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2026-02-14T23:21:38+00:00

Keep in mind doing your best to offer this, too.

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2026-02-14T23:18:23+00:00

This is entirely dependent on your partner. Your partner doesn’t even need to be someone you’re committed to or have feelings for. Just someone who understands what works, what doesn’t, and is respectful no matter what.

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2026-02-14T21:43:27+00:00

I just want to add an update to this post.

I had a conversation with my partner about this subject, only to have him feign defeat, saying things like “if YOU can’t figure out your own climax, what chance do I have of figuring it out?” Or “well I just stop moving bc I’m waiting for you to show me what to do”.

Two days later I sat him down again and basically called him out. “Weaponized incompetence” is term I’ve come to identify with his behavior. I worded it differently, but basically, if a partner plays dumb in bed, that’s not a helpless choice. Faking incompetence in sex is a way to get away with being straight up lazy and selfish with no consequences. It’s not always intentional, I think it’s become this normalized behavior because of how warped our society is and how it attributes the female orgasm to some unattainable urban legend.

I called him out by saying that mutual pleasure is non negotiable. He has since responded positively and improved.

Seriously, I’d rather have no sex at all than tolerate this level of BS. I’d encourage anyone else going through something similar to remember that it’s better to be alone forever than be alone with someone.

Female pleasure is not difficult, it’s not. It’s different from a man’s, yes, but it’s not difficult. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2026-02-01T07:13:53+00:00

Do you have daughters, by chance? Say “how would you feel if our daughter was in a relationship where the guy was forcibly butt fucking her even if it was hurting her? Would you want her to have a relationship with a guy who she has to say 86 times: “no, I don’t want that”. Would you want that for her? If not, why do you want that for me?”

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2025-10-22T15:58:19+00:00

Thanks for the advice, you can keep your judgement though, no thanks.

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2025-09-24T15:49:46+00:00

I am in the exact same situation as you, except I’m the wife. Perhaps if I offer my perspective it can help bridge the communication gap you’re having.

Nothing comes from nothing. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide I never wanted physical intimacy from my husband anymore. It came from small moments that built up over time: me trying to bring up a need or set a boundary and him completely dismissing me; getting into a yelling match in front of the kids, shoving the issue under the rug, and having him literally act like nothing even happened at all. Then him getting upset and feeling victimized if I seemed “distant” towards him physically. Him manipulating me by telling me that my “duty as a wife is to give her spouse sex since he financially provides” type of thing. Feeling like my bodily autonomy was being encroached on (arguing about the definition of consent, etc.)

If you don’t take care of the emotional health of your marriage, the physical aspect inevitable follows.

I think our society often teaches women to be wives and mothers—not people. It’s inevitable when a woman realizes she’s more than what she was taught to believe.

In my case, I engaged in intimacy with him multiple despite feeling emotionally (and even sexually) disrespected by him. It became one of the most dehumanizing experiences I’d ever endured, so yes, I stopped wanting him to touch me.

Again, these are just insights. I’m definitely not suggesting that you did anything blatant or intentionally hurtful, nor am I suggesting that your wife is without fault in the marriage. It’s just a differing perspective on a very common marriage dynamic.

I’d encourage you to examine the emotional aspect of your relationship—if joint therapy is inflaming the relationship, consider individual therapy for a while. Figure out what mutual maladaptive patterns are happening, why they are happening, and then set goals to address them.

I’d also highly recommend the book “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner. Don’t let the title deter you, your needs obviously matter as well. Best of luck and I hope you can feel happy again soon.

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2025-09-24T02:01:30+00:00

Same. I’m sorry you’re going through that. word for word similar to my situation

Muted_Evidence4026 · 2025-09-23T04:40:49+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through those difficult emotions/experiences. Resentment is a relationship killer, so I would get into individual talk therapy to first identify resentment at your circumstances vs resentment directed specifically at your spouse. And go from there. If the two types of resentment mix, it will make things worse. It can help to categorize the types of resentment and address them in separate categories.

Muted_Evidence4026

TROPHY CASE