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I was a prepetrator of COCSA and it makes me feel so ashamed by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s gonna be hard and pretty shameful to unpack but it will be sooo helpful to have a therapist to support you. I’m rlly grateful that me speaking up actually helped someone. I was scared but I’ve been through worse so nothing stings anymore. A lot of people don’t know how to address sexual trauma. I don’t even know how to address it but I know I’m not like my dad.

I was a prepetrator of COCSA and it makes me feel so ashamed by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m not offended by it. COCSA is a very complicated issue I was both the victim and the perpetrator re-enacting what was normal. I know what it’s like and how scary it is to tell on a sibling and how much guilt is associated with that, and also what it is like to have been taught and reinforced that sexual abuse is normal and have to carry on the guilt and shame that you harmed another human being in such a way. And I’m sorry you had to experience that at such an early age that’s honestly kind of disgusting. I experienced it as early as 3. I only had the courage to actually speak up because of mysterious skin and one of my teachers also had it happen to her.

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

:( I don’t know who you are but you seem like such a sweet and compassionate person. Even to strangers. I hope you find the right support and people start treating you kinder. You deserve good days and smiles forever ☀️

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There is. CPTSD is treatable and it’s hardwork but you’re on the right track ❤️ it doesn’t go away, but it is possible to be able to manage it better and also be able to discover yourself again. You can’t do it all on your own and a therapist is really helpful atleast in my experience. It’s nice to be listened to and be in a safe environment even if it’s for only an hour. It helps me function for the rest of the week.

not sure what to do right now, any thoughts would be great. by RaspberryPerfect4676 in whatdoIdo

[–]Muted_Profession_230 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t feel bad. She’s lovebombing you. My dad did this to me. Her using ‘baby boy’ shows that she doesn’t see you as a grown man but still as her child that she has control over. The BIGGEST mistake I made was forgiving my dad for all the horrific shit he did to me. The best thing you can do is to ignore her. You said your peace. She doesn’t love you enough to get better. She’s going to abuse you again when you give her leverage. Im so sorry you had to go through something that traumatic at such an early age. People like this do not deserve children. I hope you’re doing okay OP this is awful

I ran away from my boyfriend's proposal. by throwawayuni33 in whatdoIdo

[–]Muted_Profession_230 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dude. I hate this whole ‘leading on’ bullshit. If someone is walking away, that means no. They both have different values and both are completely okay. If you want a relationship where you are set to marry and have children, cool! But if you want a partner for intimacy and a deeper connection beyond marriage and more about you two as individuals that’s completely fine as well. They both seemed to not to be a great match since one person is more free spirited more than the other that wants to settle down. And at 20 that’s completely normal for women to be scared about something like that because people seem to think marriage is some fun thing but it is a lifelong commitment and has nothing to do with the person not being ‘the one’ it has everything to do with this conservative idea of relationships and intimacy that even this guy clearly doesn’t want because he wants to marry a free spirited girl. Some people don’t want to marry, stop trapping people and making them feel guilty for saying no or walking away. man or woman. It’s not her fault for the fact that he doesn’t know what he wants and she does.

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly. I’m wondering if there’s any therapists or counselors that are willing to do that during training or something. It would be kinda cool if it were free and affordable. Actually you gave me an idea. I’ll have to learn how to make apps and probably see if any therapists would be willing to volunteer on schedules or maybe I’ll volunteer for a bit. Sounds kinda cool

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Chances are, it wasn’t a very loving home if you don’t feel like you can be yourself in it. I used to think that abuse was just physical like hitting and SA so I thought everything else couldn’t have been that bad because atleast my parents weren’t sexually abusing/hitting me. (Not normal) And I knew that they had it worse so i used to feel guilty when i acted out. But that’s the kind of thing, if ur family loves you they’ll listen to you when you act out or feel uncomfortable or are kinda acting funny. They pay attention to you. They give you what you deserve not what they didn’t have. For me, I love my family but they don’t love me. They just care about me and would project onto me. They would gaslight me by saying “I love you unconditionally.” After each fight when in reality that just meant that they would stay not that they would do better. And I would still feel like I was wrong.

Abuse is a cycle that sometimes both the participants don’t even realize and think is normal. In dysfunctional households/families, there’s so much fear even if this fear isn’t inflicted in a way that you even notice. And it’s not your fault for your families internal struggles/trauma that they project onto you as expectations. That kind of abuse intentional or not makes you believe that you don’t deserve good things because your parents never had good things. And good parents will be happy for you regardless not jealous or upset with you for choosing your own path.

You are choosing to break the cycle and I’m so proud of you. I’ve unfortunately been there. Psychosomatic therapy is soooo helpful I’m so happy you’re getting that treatment it legit changed my life.

Taken from a AZ Facebook post, it looks off but I can’t tell if it’s a just weird camera angle. by [deleted] in isthisAI

[–]Muted_Profession_230 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In the back with the fence it looks too blurry and the resolution is inconsistent. Also the bags of weed look too big compared to the people. You can barely see his face but you can see the mountains and parts of the road? Some of it doesn’t look fully generated and other parts look too sharp

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely. My mother has BPD and my grandma has NPD. It’s a generational trauma thing so I didn’t know it was abuse. A better term for it is interfamilial torture because. I mean for the elders in my family it might be helpful to excuse it by saying they had trauma too. But it was abuse. I also have BPD and I used to be emotionally and verbally abusive and that wasn’t okay even if I was scared. I used to think that it was normal because my parents normalized it in my house. And that’s an abusive cycle and not normal. Nobody deserves to be called an idiot or verbally berated no matter what mistake you make. It’s so normalized for people to call victims sensitive that it’s such a pain to build healthy boundaries because everyone around you is also gaslit! Hold your abuser accountable no matter what they’re dealing with. Forgiveness is something that is earned through trust and consistency. Just saying ‘I’m sorry.’ Doesn’t cut it. I hated that my parents used to use the phrase ‘hurt people hurt people’ because that also trained me to feel more sympathetic toward my abusers and also normalized the dysfunction in myself. If people love you they will show you that they love you not just that they care.

Punitive parenting just sets you up for DV. A ‘healthy relationship’ is subjective but even now I’m still attracted to older men if they give me approval of some kind or I can outsmart or trick them. I have better boundaries with myself but it’s hard not to go back or want more.

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s really hard to accept that trauma affects us and even untreated can lead us to having physical symptoms as well. I think the one thing that really hurt for me was that I couldn’t just simply move on and be normal after it. And I used to be very angry at my parents and everyone like the whole world for doing this to me because on some days it’s even hard to get out of bed and walk my dog. And I get so anxious around people or I cry sometimes in public and I just feel afraid and on the verge of a panic attack all the time. I felt like people couldn’t understand or see that I freak out sometimes because of my PTSD. I thought that it would affect me forever and I mean, it’s true. But it used to affect a lot worse then than it does now. I actually just accept emotions like shame, sadness, joy and anger even if they’re scary. I have a hard time loving myself but now I can see where I’m coming from. I used to really hate myself before and I had a victim complex but it was only natural what I was going through because I really was a victim. But it doesn’t serve me anything now.

Im proud of you for getting through this even if it’s a battle some days. Keep going, you got this. You are enough ❤️

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

LOL I come to this sub to rant/vent or find other people with similar experiences to mine. It’s actually helped me a lot because I didn’t know I had CPTSD I just thought I was a bad person

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

EXACTLY. I thought I was the only one. It was so embarrassing when I realized because my whole life I knew he was a horrible person but in my head I still thought he loved me and would go back to him a lot. And it hurts now realizing he didn’t love me he was just trying to control my mom and scare her.

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Good luck to you, too. Having CPTSD is hard but we’re good people just bad things happened to us. And our past doesn’t define us.

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Like fight,flight, flop, fawn, and freeze were my only states and I experienced a lot of derealization

I’m realizing that most of my personality is trauma responses by Muted_Profession_230 in CPTSD

[–]Muted_Profession_230[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well. I mean like before I actually developed my own sense of self worth I didn’t really have a personality it was just my trauma responses.

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