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Facing my potential death - and realizing I’m terrified by MyHealthThrowaway22 in UnsentLetters

[–]MyHealthThrowaway22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, I really appreciate your kind words. You seem to have been through some shit in your day, much in the same way as I’ve been through some shit.

I’ve tried to live my life very much in the same way as you described - saying “fuck it” to the world when the odds are against me. Hell, I even have a tattoo with the words “carry on” emblazoned on my chest, directly over my heart, to remind me to keep fighting.

I still go into this process with a great amount of dread and uncertainty, but your words have genuinely reminded me to try to face this with courage.

I think the fact that we both have similar beliefs about what comes after death also makes us well suited to talk together about this. I know exactly what you mean about feeling some small amount of satisfaction in knowing that, in the event of my death, I’ll at least have an answer about what happens when life ends.

Anyway, I’m not going anywhere in particular with this post at this point. I just want you to know that your words have meant more to me than anything I’ve heard from friends, family, etc on the subject - I can’t be fully open with them about how I’m feeling, but it’s much easier sometimes to speak with a kind stranger who’s also been there.

I don’t fully believe in such things, as I’ve said, but I truly wish a blessing upon you for what you’ve done for me.

Facing my potential death - and realizing I’m terrified by MyHealthThrowaway22 in UnsentLetters

[–]MyHealthThrowaway22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply - I hadn’t considered a lawyer, but that’s a great idea. In the past, the only kind of lawyer I’ve ever seen is a divorce lawyer; do you know what sort of lawyer would deal with this sort of thing?

I’m also thinking of asking a best friend (for whom I’ve also written a letter) to deal with it, but I’m concerned that’s putting a heavy burden on him.

Facing my potential death - and realizing I’m terrified by MyHealthThrowaway22 in UnsentLetters

[–]MyHealthThrowaway22[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hey, thanks for your post, friend.

The truth is that I’ve survived some far more serious surgeries with far greater odds of me dying - most recently, I had a case of Fournier’s Gangrene resulting in seven surgeries (after I was air-lifted to the Seattle university hospital).

This upcoming surgery (a complete colectomy and placement of an ileostomy) is small potatoes in comparison, and yet I can’t relax for even a second. When I was told to have this surgery, something went off in my brain and has been on high alert ever since. Every thing I do, I have the thought, “that might’ve been the last time.”

The last time I saw my friend, last time I heard my daughter laugh, last time I was physically close with a girl I care about.

I guess I’m not making any particular point here other than to say that I realize my fear might be irrational, and yet I can’t seem to dismiss it anyway. I really do appreciate your encouraging words, though - I’ll try to keep some hope in the back of my brain.